So... a man walks into a bar for a drink...

After he orders a beer, he notices that the TVs in the bar aren't on and he asks the bartender, "Hey, can you turn on the TV."

The bartender replies, "The cable is out."

"Well, anything else in here that might be amusing while I finish my beer."

The bartender reaches under the bar and place a small stage with a tiny person who starts playing a tiny piano.

Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got the person. The bartender replied that if you go into the closet there is a genie that will grant one wish. The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said their was a genie. The man wished for 1,000,000 million bucks.

Instantly he was engulfed in feathers and deafened by quacking...

Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed, "I asked your fucking genie for 1,000,000 bucks but I got 1,000,000 ducks."

"Yeah, he doesn't hear so well", replied the bartender, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch PIANIST!"

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

That's not funny.

How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven, you gotta a problm wid dat! ? ! ?

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but I don't know how they get in there...

Q: What's a Scottish midget's favorite candy?
A: Tartan Tinys. (Tart 'n Tinys -- remember those?)

Q: What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhinoceros?

A: 'ell if I know.

Anonymous wrote:A swami walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "make me one with everything."

So the hot dog rolls his eyes and makes the hot dog. "That'll be two dollars." The swami hands over a $5 bill, which the hot dog vendor takes. After a moment, the swami asks, "where's the change?" The hot dog vendor says, "Change comes from within."

Anonymous wrote:Math joke:

What did the baby acorn say when he grew up and realised what he had become? "Gee! I am a tree!" (geometry)


Why is the 6 afraid of the 7? Because 7 8 9!

Wow, you actually told it wrong. In your version, the answer would be, because the 7 8 the 9, which isn't funny.

Anonymous wrote:Me: Knock knock
You: Who's there?
Me: Control freak. Ok, now YOU say "control freak who?"

I like that one.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?




A Roaming Catholic.

Me: Knock knock
You: Who's there?
Me: Control freak. Ok, now YOU say "control freak who?"

A penguin was driving down the road and something happened to his car. He couldn't figure out what was going on, it sputtered and spit, and he was lucky that he rolled right into a gas station. He asked them what was wrong and they said they'd have to take a look. As luck would have it, there was a grocery store right across the street! So he waddled across the street and made a beeline for the frozen food section. He dove right in, frolicked around the pizzas, the ice cream, the frozen vegetables. He was having so much fun he lost track of time. He got out, waddled back across the street, and asked the guy what was wrong with his car.
"Well, the bad news is that it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin looked thoughtful, then smiled, and said, "oh, no, that's just vanilla ice cream."

Bah dum bum!

A swami walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "make me one with everything."

Cute Joke (IMO)

Q: "When does life begin?"

Priest: "At conception."
Minister: "At birth."
Rabbi: "When the kids are out of the house!"

FWIW: I am Jewish. And there IS some truth to this

Why can't Einstein drive? Because he's dead.

The last one is the only funny joke in the bunch -- and it's not that funny.

Tough crowd, I know.

Clean: What do you put on a sick pig? OINKment
Dirty: What the difference between a Hooker and a Lawyer?
The hooker stops screwing you when you die.
Offensive: Why do women have vaginas?
So men will talk to them.