Anonymous wrote:You'll get flamed but you don't deserve it. Withholding sex for 10 years is abusive. Let's say you verbally abused her for 10 years and then stopped, should she just "get over it"? No. She rejected you and humiliated you and took you for granted for 10 years and is now grudgingly putting out (probably hating every minute) in order to stop you leaving. You were too patient for 10 years. Insist on therapy for you and for her (separately and together).

Don't settle on this shell of a marriage. If you know that you will leave, then do everything you can to fix it. Then you can leave with your head held high. Your mistake was not doing that in the first place. Great Dr Phil quote (I know but hear me out": You should try everything to save your marriage. But long-suffering isn't trying". Sitting around feeling resentful is not a proactive marital strategy so don't repeat it. 8 years ago you should have put your foot down for counseling and you should now.

Good luck.

Ditto. I was a DW in this I had to go. And once it was clear I was leaving suddenly after 4 years of once maybe twice (a year) he was interested. I left. It killed my self esteem. The one man who wed me either did not want me and or didn't care enough about me to get help
. We had no kids but close to 12 years wasted. Kudos to you for holding on to what you had and trying to work it out.

How could you not be bitter? I'm currently in the same situation with my husband. It's been five years already with no improvement. I'm barely 30 and feeling very bitter at going through this so young. You are a much better person than I am for not cheating.

OP. Partly because of this issue and partly because of other issues, I feel like there is a strong chance we will divorce eventually. Probably in the 3-5 year horizon. I am waiting of the kids to get a little older and for us to get out of debt. Maybe it won't happen, as bitter as I am there will always be a fair amount of inertia (again, primarily kids and money) to making such a change. My guess is that at some point, if we don't divorce, I will have an affair. To be honest, I feel entitled. I suppose if I do that, and she catches me, I can argue that we are even - one betrayal for another. We'll see. Appreciate the thoughtful comments here, and am surprised (pleasantly) to find a mostly non-critical audience.

As for the hormonal issue the PP raised, it could be. I did ask her to see if that was the case at one point. She said she'd look into it but never did.

Anonymous wrote:Things were very hot early on. Frequent and fun. She was 34 and wanted it all the time. I was 25 and happy to oblige. A dozen years later I don't think the age difference is helping so much. Although I know, partly from reading this forum, that there are plenty of women in their late 40s who are very much still into it.

Then there's a real chance her low libido is the result of hormonal issues. I won't flame you, OP. Your feelings are normal and natural after being deprived of a sexual life with your spouse. I'll be honest - My libido has decreased too (though I do have sex with my DH - just not as often as he would like) but your post has really made me think about how it's affecting my DH.

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't think it's unfair. She treated you badly for 10 years, and from what you're saying, is making the barest minimum of effort now. I agree with a PP- don't tell her you'll leave her over sex. Tell her you'll leave her if she doesn't care enough about this issue to get a medical/psych workup to find out what's wrong with her. I'm not some anti-feminist who thinks it's my duty to cater to my husband's every whim and be his servant and fuck him on demand. But spouses have a duty to one another to fulfill their sexual obligations. It's part of the marriage contract: we are forsaking others to be with one another. People need sex, and marriages need it. She's lucky to have gotten away with it this long. Put the ball in her court and insist she get checked out.

Best and most accurate comment I have read all day.

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair with a man like this and didn't feel bad. He didn't have kids or else I would have never done it...

I didn't know he was married at first, but once I found out I just felt bad for the guy. He was just so starved to affection and attention. After we had sex he just wanted to lie in bed together and cuddle for hours, because he said he never got that at home. They were together for a total of 10 years, married for 4, and had sex only a couple times a year. He was only 34 and really good looking and nice and fun, I have no idea what was wrong with his wife to just neglect him like that. I can't imagine what life would be like that.

I know it was wrong and I ended it, but truthfully I don't feel bad. If it wasn't me it would have been someone else, and his wife should have taken care of business at home.

Funny you should mention this. I once read an article about men who go to high-priced call girls. And one of the things it said was that a lot of these guys just wanted someone to talk to, cuddle, etc. The need for connection is so big in the human condition.....

OP: The exact same thing happened to me. You can't blame having kids making you tired, because as soon as our first was born, I quit my job and stayed home, did diapers, housework and every other domestic task in addition to going to night school. The VA basically paid me as much as I ever made working to that point to be a student, so I was burning it at both ends while she taught (I put her through college while in the Army, and then took my turn after she graduated and had a kid). It lasted about 7 years. We would occasionally have sex, but it was strange in that every single time I asked for it, I was rejected. We only had sex when she wanted to, on her terms. The strange thing is that we would only have sex after an awful fight that involved screaming and yelling. I figured it was some weird thing where she needed to get that emotional response from me to get aroused. It was 7 full years and yes- I am bitter too. It has been four years since things got better for us and I am still very angry about it. It made a lasting impact on our marriage that still hasn't been solved. It changes who you are as a couple. The biggest change is after being rejected 100% of the time for seven years, I now will not ask for sex even when I know that I have a 100% chance of success. That is now her duty. It pisses her off, but something deep inside will not allow me to come on to her anymore.

While our sex is now up to 2x a week, sometimes more, the damage is permanent. I suppose I could go get counseling or something, but at this stage of our lives, my best years are behind me; I have about half the libido I had during those years and her drive has increased exponentially, so karma does exist. Occasionally, I even let her know that when I reject her come-on, to please understand that my rejections of her are considerably less in amount and duration than hers of mine. Women often see sex as an option for men, but honestly, I would not have married her if I had known that my most libidinous years would be wasted on rejection. Looking back, if I had known that seven years would pass of that treatment I would have divorced her up front. That bitter feeling hasn't passed and neither have the negative ramifications from it. In every other aspect she has been a good wife, but that is honestly for me anyway, about 75% of the reason I would have been married to anybody and to withold it from me was as awful as cheating on me. I have never made my thoughts on the subject secret, even when we were dating.

And yes- I begged her to see a physician, psychologist, Psychiatrist, Endocrinologist- but she kept saying that there was nothing wrong with her, and that I was unreasonable in wanting sex more than a couple times a month. I may be flamed for this, but sex is a pretty important part of marriage. If it weren't, then we wouldn't care about cheating. The one thing you have to do in marriage is not have sex with others, so if you demand exclusivity from another human being, you damned well better provide for their needs as well. Hell I am bitter I never cheated in the times I could have got away with it. I hope my bitterness makes you feel less alone.

Things were very hot early on. Frequent and fun. She was 34 and wanted it all the time. I was 25 and happy to oblige. A dozen years later I don't think the age difference is helping so much. Although I know, partly from reading this forum, that there are plenty of women in their late 40s who are very much still into it.

OP, were things ever "hot" or very sexual between you, at least when you first got together? Was this a change that happened over time or was it like this from very early on?

Anonymous wrote:Goodness I had no idea people live like this! Isn't sex supposed to be fun, stress release and a treat?? Why a chore?

My sister has been having problems in her relationship lately. She finally admitted it's because she is turning down sex more often than not. I told her "There are enough things that can cause stress and problems in a marriage- sex is NOT there to be one of those things, it's there to HELP those things."

Wait! A SAHM gets away with 10 YEARS of refusing sex?

Goodness I had no idea people live like this! Isn't sex supposed to be fun, stress release and a treat?? Why a chore?

Anonymous wrote:I'm in sort of the same shoes as you, but I'm the gal wanting to have more sex. My husband's job is tiring and stressful. If it weren't for my insisting on having sex on Saturday morning, it would be a year now since we last were together in any sort of nakedness. He has made no advances on me for a year and when I make mention of "getting down and dirty", he gives me the look of "I just can't...I'm too tired and stressed out".

Yet, all this time, I sympathize with him because my life raising the kids, one of them is special needs, is incredibly stressful and sex is usually the last thing on my mind as well. Yet, we have always tried to make an effort every month or so to be close.

I am so in this situation also!

I think it was unfair for you to have let this go on for so long. As one of the pps says, you should have insisted long ago that she follow through on her promises to go to a doctor/therapist. Now that she's begun to have sex again, you still need to insist on finding out why she behaved as she did, and then come to terms with it, as opposed to holding a grudge.

None of this is to say that she doesn't bear far more responsibility for her role in failing to address something that is so vital in almost all marriages. But we're talking about your responsibilities here.

No, I don't think it's unfair. She treated you badly for 10 years, and from what you're saying, is making the barest minimum of effort now. I agree with a PP- don't tell her you'll leave her over sex. Tell her you'll leave her if she doesn't care enough about this issue to get a medical/psych workup to find out what's wrong with her. I'm not some anti-feminist who thinks it's my duty to cater to my husband's every whim and be his servant and fuck him on demand. But spouses have a duty to one another to fulfill their sexual obligations. It's part of the marriage contract: we are forsaking others to be with one another. People need sex, and marriages need it. She's lucky to have gotten away with it this long. Put the ball in her court and insist she get checked out.