Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some follow up questions - how big is the kitchen and how many people are generally in it (excluding you)? I'm just wondering if its a space issue. Could you still socially interact with them (i.e. sit at the breakfast bar) and talk without getting in mix? I would be bothered by it too, but my MIL generally does EVERYTHING herself because no one but her can do it the way she wants. It's annoying, but that's my MIL. For the holidays my family cooks together, his doesn't so I just accept its a different way of doing holiday dinners.

If MIL just wanted everyone out of the kitchen that would be understandable, but it sounds like she's making it clear that she has room for her daughters, her favorite DIL, her second favorite DIL, all the ladies except the OP, which is just mean.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - Wow everyone, You all gave me some really great feedback. THANK YOU!

Regarding me being a bad cook - LOL this could very well be it - but I've thought about it and even offered to bring a green salad (you really can't mess that up) and come to think of it, everyone does take a serving of my food when I force myself in and bring it (except MIL and her daughter, SIL) and the issue isn't so much whether everyone eats it or not, more the process when we're putting everything away, MIL would just give me my dish with all the leftovers and say "you take this home for you and the kids" and take the rest of the leftovers and divide them up for everyone to get a little bit of everything for each family - not sure if that makes sense.

Regarding my house - that is an excellent point! We used to have a dog and I know my MIL thinks my house is usually not up to her level. BUT, my DH is a SAHD and her opinion on the house is basically about her son, not necessarily me. So, I'm not sure, but this is a really good point.

The issue isn't so much the food or eating it, it's more feeling left out - I'll try to briefly explain. Everyone shows up. the women basically hang in the kitchen either heating or preparing the dishes they brought and it's a social bonding thing. The My DH and his brother take this time to catch up and get their special brother-bonding time while they watch and play with the kids. And I'm left just kind of sitting by myself. When I try going to the kitchen to "help" they ALWAYS say, we have everything under control, go and relax and enjoy yourself.

So, it's more the social part - I honestly wouldn't be offended if they didn't eat my food - but more about coming and preparing.

Oh, and to the poster that suggested the dessert - It's a good idea, but that's one of the things that's already been assigned to someone - It's sort of her specialty and she takes real pride in her pies. I don't want to insult her by bringing another dessert.

Thanks everyone for your input - I actually think that it might be the messy house thing and I never thought about that. For those that suggested that - what do you suggest I do? If they have the impression that I'm (or my DH) is a slob, anything I can do at this point to change their minds? They don't come over often (actually, I can't remmber the last time they came to our house) and when they did - when we have gatherings, we DO hire a housecleaner before the party, so they've seen our spotless house.

Take a day to overhaul your house. Clear off tables, sweep, vaccuum floors. Set aside maybe one weekend a month or one day every other week to deep clean your home but keep up with day to day throwing away garbage and putting away clutter. This can help you to feel less overwhelmed by the messiness that accumulates. Do you have more issues with clutter or general grime accumulation? Which rooms are the hardest for you or dirtiest? Start there and work your way to the cleanest.

I would say it is never too late to change your habits and make your home cleaner. Invite them over once you get the hang of upkeep.

Honestly, if I had a relative who changed their home around, I would not be afraid or concerned to taste or eat their food.

no way-this is not about food. If it were, OP would be welcomed into the kitchen with the others with whatever she brought. Obviously the ILs don't want anything to do with her and her husband needs to step up. Family is family-how are you going to place conditions on a family member? Why should OP waste time cleaning? it will not resolve anything. If she wants to clean for herself fine but for her ILs?

Anonymous wrote:Some follow up questions - how big is the kitchen and how many people are generally in it (excluding you)? I'm just wondering if its a space issue. Could you still socially interact with them (i.e. sit at the breakfast bar) and talk without getting in mix? I would be bothered by it too, but my MIL generally does EVERYTHING herself because no one but her can do it the way she wants. It's annoying, but that's my MIL. For the holidays my family cooks together, his doesn't so I just accept its a different way of doing holiday dinners.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: If it's the latter and I were in your shoes, I'd have my husband broach the topic with his mother. He can kindly explain the issue to her. He can let her know that it makes him unhappy when his his wife is not made to feel part of the family celebration, and he wouldn't be comfortable with continuing to visit if an effort can't be made to be more inclusive.

I agree with all of this except the bolded. No reason to go for the nuclear option over this.

Anonymous wrote:OP - Wow everyone, You all gave me some really great feedback. THANK YOU!

Regarding me being a bad cook - LOL this could very well be it - but I've thought about it and even offered to bring a green salad (you really can't mess that up) and come to think of it, everyone does take a serving of my food when I force myself in and bring it (except MIL and her daughter, SIL) and the issue isn't so much whether everyone eats it or not, more the process when we're putting everything away, MIL would just give me my dish with all the leftovers and say "you take this home for you and the kids" and take the rest of the leftovers and divide them up for everyone to get a little bit of everything for each family - not sure if that makes sense.

Regarding my house - that is an excellent point! We used to have a dog and I know my MIL thinks my house is usually not up to her level. BUT, my DH is a SAHD and her opinion on the house is basically about her son, not necessarily me. So, I'm not sure, but this is a really good point.

The issue isn't so much the food or eating it, it's more feeling left out - I'll try to briefly explain. Everyone shows up. the women basically hang in the kitchen either heating or preparing the dishes they brought and it's a social bonding thing. The My DH and his brother take this time to catch up and get their special brother-bonding time while they watch and play with the kids. And I'm left just kind of sitting by myself. When I try going to the kitchen to "help" they ALWAYS say, we have everything under control, go and relax and enjoy yourself.

So, it's more the social part - I honestly wouldn't be offended if they didn't eat my food - but more about coming and preparing.

Oh, and to the poster that suggested the dessert - It's a good idea, but that's one of the things that's already been assigned to someone - It's sort of her specialty and she takes real pride in her pies. I don't want to insult her by bringing another dessert.

Thanks everyone for your input - I actually think that it might be the messy house thing and I never thought about that. For those that suggested that - what do you suggest I do? If they have the impression that I'm (or my DH) is a slob, anything I can do at this point to change their minds? They don't come over often (actually, I can't remmber the last time they came to our house) and when they did - when we have gatherings, we DO hire a housecleaner before the party, so they've seen our spotless house.

Anonymous wrote:OP - Wow everyone, You all gave me some really great feedback. THANK YOU!

Regarding me being a bad cook - LOL this could very well be it - but I've thought about it and even offered to bring a green salad (you really can't mess that up) and come to think of it, everyone does take a serving of my food when I force myself in and bring it (except MIL and her daughter, SIL) and the issue isn't so much whether everyone eats it or not, more the process when we're putting everything away, MIL would just give me my dish with all the leftovers and say "you take this home for you and the kids" and take the rest of the leftovers and divide them up for everyone to get a little bit of everything for each family - not sure if that makes sense.

Regarding my house - that is an excellent point! We used to have a dog and I know my MIL thinks my house is usually not up to her level. BUT, my DH is a SAHD and her opinion on the house is basically about her son, not necessarily me. So, I'm not sure, but this is a really good point.

The issue isn't so much the food or eating it, it's more feeling left out - I'll try to briefly explain. Everyone shows up. the women basically hang in the kitchen either heating or preparing the dishes they brought and it's a social bonding thing. The My DH and his brother take this time to catch up and get their special brother-bonding time while they watch and play with the kids. And I'm left just kind of sitting by myself. When I try going to the kitchen to "help" they ALWAYS say, we have everything under control, go and relax and enjoy yourself. So, it's more the social part - I honestly wouldn't be offended if they didn't eat my food - but more about coming and preparing.

Oh, and to the poster that suggested the dessert - It's a good idea, but that's one of the things that's already been assigned to someone - It's sort of her specialty and she takes real pride in her pies. I don't want to insult her by bringing another dessert.

Thanks everyone for your input - I actually think that it might be the messy house thing and I never thought about that. For those that suggested that - what do you suggest I do? If they have the impression that I'm (or my DH) is a slob, anything I can do at this point to change their minds? They don't come over often (actually, I can't remmber the last time they came to our house) and when they did - when we have gatherings, we DO hire a housecleaner before the party, so they've seen our spotless house.