Anonymous wrote:

gift certificates for bagel shops.

Please don't give gift certificates as hostess gifts. It is really tacky.

I'm not sure if it's "tacky", but if I invited someone to dinner and she gave me a bagel shop gift certificate, I would find that strange to say the least.

Anonymous wrote:I always find these posts very interesting - I wonder how many people were just not raised correctly? Or just don't care?

Probably both. I'm always amazed when I go to someone's house for dinner/BBQ/anything and notice other guests not offering to help set up, clean up, do dishes, anything. Most of the time I don't think they're being intentionally rude, I just really don't think it occurs to them that it's polite to offer. Maybe their parents didn't host and they don't know much about what it means to be a gracious host or guest.

OP, I understand. It's hard for me to show up anywhere empty handed, even a play date. I feel compelled to bring snacks, SOMETHING. Same goes for when I host. I can't host a play date without setting out muffins or something. If I tell a guest "Don't bring anything," I mean that I have everything covered and don't expect them to contribute. But if they showed up with flowers, or a plant, I wouldn't be offended, I'd think they were thoughtful and kind!

Re: not raised correctly. You are right, some of us had neglectful parents, or worse. We learn this stuff by trial and error, mostly. But we're trying!

Anonymous wrote:I always find these posts very interesting - I wonder how many people were just not raised correctly? Or just don't care?

As the OP, I find this to be a curious statement. If I didn't care, why would I be asking?

Normally I'd bring a bottle of wine, but as I mentioned, we don't feel it is appropriate in this situation. We offered to bring dessert but the person who invited us (actually the husband, who I am pretty sure won't be cooking since he's mentioned he hardly ever cooks) said not to. I like the idea of a potted plant (flowers can be a pain) but maybe we'll just go with a thank-you card.

I always find these posts very interesting - I wonder how many people were just not raised correctly? Or just don't care?

I usually bring a small flowering plant. Something small enough to fit on a windowsill or otherwise be unintrusive. This time of year you can find a great "Christmas Cactus" at WholeFoods/Giant/Trader Joes etc. for $5-10.

gift certificates for bagel shops.

Please don't give gift certificates as hostess gifts. It is really tacky.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Needless to say I graciously sent them home with their melon.

In all seriousness, how do you achieve that graciously?

I'm not that PP but I'm guessing something along the lines of, "We've still got so much melon leftover from the one I cut up, I'd hate to see yours go to waste! Why don't you take it with you and enjoy it at home!"

Anonymous wrote:Needless to say I graciously sent them home with their melon.

In all seriousness, how do you achieve that graciously?

Id be okay bringing nothing. But would also consider a nice candle, flowers, plant, gift for kids.

I never show up empty-handed-do they have kids? I have brought a book for the kids or something similar I know they will enjoy. Something they can enjoy at breakfast? I have given gift certificates for bagel shops...if they like coffee-a nice coffee, make something muffins, whatever...doesn't need to be something that they use immediately.

When I host and tell people not to bring anything I really mean. I own exactly one vase, and if it's in use i'd be scrambling to find a jar or something for flowers, i don't drink wine etc. Last summer I hosted a BBQ at my house, told people not to bring anything, detailed the menu I had planned (which included grilled pizza and cut melons) and someone shows up with a watermelon. Seriously, what was the point of that? If you insist on bringing something, at least make it something not already on the menu, and something that doesn't require any preparation (the previous summer when i had a BBQ I sliced my finger open on cutting chicken and needed 6 stitches, so the thought of any additional knife work beyond the menu is not appealing.) Needless to say I graciously sent them home with their melon.

The according to old-school, Miss Manners conventions, it's truly not needed to bring anything. Politeness requires instead that you reciprocate the invitation in the future. That's changed a bit as bringing a "hostess gift" has become really common and accepted. But if the hostess tells you not to bring anything, then either show up empty-handed and send a nice note, or show up with something that is clearly not for use that evening.

I don't bring anything (if the hostess requests that I don't) but I always send a written thank you note the next day.

If the hostess takes offense that I actually followed her request then so be it. I can't imagine caring who brought (or didn't bring) something when I'm hosting. I just care that my guests have a good time.

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the bouquet of flowers. I've seen so many hostesses stuck running around getting a vase, water, trimming and arranging the flowers, etc. And she already bought the flowers she wanted for the evening.

This. As a hostess, I always graciously accept flowers, but in showing my gratitude, I can't just set them down to wilt. I'd rather have something potted, or a nice thank you note.