Anonymous wrote:I'm the opposite of 06:50, I wouldn't go. DC's birthday ranks higher than anything else, even if he is only 2 and doesn't really get it. Weddings...eh. Particularly overseas weddings. Your friend won't be any less married if you aren't there, so just send a lovely card telling her how much you love her and are happy for her and all that (and a gift of course) and be done with it.

Anyone who expects you to travel overseas (even if she lives there) at a huge expense and burden to you and gets upset when you can't go isn't really your friend. It's just a wedding.

I agree. It's a big expense, so really, you shouldn't be obligated to go. Surely your friend knew that not all invitees would be able make it.

Send your regrets.

OP, you attend the ceremony and it's $1000. You have children now. IMHO, you paid your dues, you did the right thing, you were NOT selfish, now worry about your own. If it was (your friend), she would do the same thing. You will find as you get older that weddings get smaller and smaller - for a reason!

MIL got married when she was 40 and had chidlren until 45, so she will be forever sour about the latter (and show it every day) - case in point. But you were there for your friend, you did the right thing.

To clarify some points - this is the city he (and his family) are from but 1.5 hours outside in a 'safe tourist' area. It's not Jaurez, but PP you got the idea its the capitol city with crime issues. They got married last year to start his immigration paperwork.

If we make a family vacation out of it we're talking $3000-4000 or more if we stay longer based on my back of the envelope calculations. I don't speak the language, but DH does.

I do want to go, I just know that my toddler is going to hate the long plane and car rides. DH will then hate me for dragging him to the third large wedding this year. It seriously would be very taxing on us. We've gotten in fights on every major trip we've gone on this year over logistics, our son not sleeping well, etc. I want to go, its at at a beautiful location I just worry that I'll be taxing my relationship and child a lot by dragging them with me.

So is this like my big fat Greek wedding with lots of family and children in attendance? Is it in a place you could consider for a vacation? The unsafe aspect would immediately turn me off. It sounds like the bride chartered a bus so if you go use the bus.

A 5 hour flight with a lap baby who is 2ish? then a road trip through unsafe territory. I've flown lots recently and most flights are fully booked with many on standby.

No way would i spend $1000 plus for discomfort and danger. If OP was in the wedding perhaps a solo trip...

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the perspectives.

I should add to details that might make a difference.

Friend was married in a small ceremony last year that we attended, but this is the 'official' wedding.

Booking a rental car isn't recommended in this city. The city has had some safety issues, but that my friend tells us she is keeping us in an area where we won't encounter any problems. Still on my mind.

If I went alone I probably could do it for $1000 which isn't bad. I feel guilty because my work requires some travel and so I've already left DH alone 1 this year and he'll have to do it 2 more times if I go on this trip.

I change my vote from "do what's best" to HELL NO I wouldn't go to this wedding. No. Way. In. Hell.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the perspectives.

I should add to details that might make a difference.

Friend was married in a small ceremony last year that we attended, but this is the 'official' wedding.Booking a rental car isn't recommended in this city. The city has had some safety issues, but that my friend tells us she is keeping us in an area where we won't encounter any problems. Still on my mind.

If I went alone I probably could do it for $1000 which isn't bad. I feel guilty because my work requires some travel and so I've already left DH alone 1 this year and he'll have to do it 2 more times if I go on this trip.

Please tell us that this "official" wedding (as opposed to the -- what -- unofficial one that you have already attended?) is some sort of cultural/ religious thing and not just a self-centered, you-must-come-on-my-vacation "destination" wedding.

Up to you. I think going by yourself is a completely reasonable option and celebrating DD's bday a week before or after is no big deal. She will have no idea.

If you have the $ and time, the other option is to go and turn it into a vacation and adventure. We just took our 2 year old to a very close friend's overseas wedding. It was a transatlantic flight and domestic layover, so 1 hour flight and then 8 hours. The wedding was 4 hours away from the capital. We went several days ahead, enjoyed time in the capital, took a leisurely drive out to the region where the wedding was, same thing on the way back. It went very well. However, it was quite an expensive trip. I was so glad we went, though.

Anonymous wrote:
Friend was married in a small ceremony last year that we attended, but this is the 'official' wedding.

Is this there some particular reason she's getting married in this location, like grandma is 90 year old and couldn't come to the smaller ceremony? Or is this just a destination wedding?

Do you have a role in the ceremony if you go

Knowing that it's a second event, I'm more inclined to say that it's OK to skip it, especially if you don't have a particular role to play (such as matron of honor).

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the perspectives.

I should add to details that might make a difference.

Friend was married in a small ceremony last year that we attended, but this is the 'official' wedding.

Booking a rental car isn't recommended in this city. The city has had some safety issues, but that my friend tells us she is keeping us in an area where we won't encounter any problems. Still on my mind.

If I went alone I probably could do it for $1000 which isn't bad. I feel guilty because my work requires some travel and so I've already left DH alone 1 this year and he'll have to do it 2 more times if I go on this trip.

Whaaaaaaaa? Forget it then!

I'd never go alone. If something happens what a mess would it be?

Just make a family vacation out of it.

Is your friend getting married in Juarez? Seriously, you already went to her wedding, sounds like you don't want to go (for logisical reasons), so don't go. Christ on a cracker, people are far too into this whole wedding thing anyway.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the perspectives.

I should add to details that might make a difference.

Friend was married in a small ceremony last year that we attended, but this is the 'official' wedding.
Booking a rental car isn't recommended in this city. The city has had some safety issues, but that my friend tells us she is keeping us in an area where we won't encounter any problems. Still on my mind.

If I went alone I probably could do it for $1000 which isn't bad. I feel guilty because my work requires some travel and so I've already left DH alone 1 this year and he'll have to do it 2 more times if I go on this trip.

OP, I'd have a really hard time doing this, toddler birthday or not, having already been to my friend's actual wedding ceremony. $1,000 isn't an insignifigant amount of money in our house, and it also sounds like you're trying to balance work travel schedules at home. This may be the "official" wedding, but you've already been to your friend's wedding - if you sit this one out, it's really not the same as skipping her wedding entirely.

I am surprised by the number of PPs who don't have a problem traveling on a child's birthday. No, the kid may not know it's their birthday, but the parents do, and maybe I'm just an overly emotional pregnant sap but I like spending birthdays with my family members.

OP here, thanks for the perspectives.

I should add to details that might make a difference.

Friend was married in a small ceremony last year that we attended, but this is the 'official' wedding.

Booking a rental car isn't recommended in this city. The city has had some safety issues, but that my friend tells us she is keeping us in an area where we won't encounter any problems. Still on my mind.

If I went alone I probably could do it for $1000 which isn't bad. I feel guilty because my work requires some travel and so I've already left DH alone 1 this year and he'll have to do it 2 more times if I go on this trip.

I will never understand why people are so insistent in celebrating a milestone on the EXACT day, even if it is less fun or screws up other plans. We like to do nice birthdays and anniversaries (not lavish but special and memorable) and sometimes the exact date is just not an option--either it's a weekday or we have another obligation. So we do it another day within a week or so. Our kids are not old enough to understand calendars yet and it's never caused any type of problem. It's MUCH nicer than stressing about how to do too many things in one day. Bottom line, I don't think a 2-year-old's birthday is a valid reason to miss your best friend's wedding.

Also it kind of sounds like you're making excuses. Were you really planning on carrying your toddler as a lap child on a 5-hour flight, even if it was a few weeks before his 2nd bday? And have you looked into or asked your friend about any other airport transfer options? What about renting a car or carpooling with another wedding guest? If you want to make it happen you wil make it happen.