Anonymous
11/02/2011 10:38
Subject: First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Grandparents don't have any obligation to babysit for you. It sounds like that's what you want them to do
OP here.. may I ask why you think that? The few times they visited, I never handed DS off to the grandparents while I went and did something else. When they were here, we all hung out together and,, when it was time to nurse DS, I'd go upstairs with him then come back down. DH would stay downstairs with his parents.
I am wondering if I'm missing something? Maybe I am giving off the impression that I expect them to be babysitters when they're here? I guess I'll mention something about it while we're up there for Thanksgiving and apologize for being such a cruddy host when they were down here.
OP, why you think you have to apologize? for not playing social director? and being so rude as to feed your child every two-three hours? if they expected differently from a new mom they are just crazy. and you need to stop bending over backwards and making their problems your problems. you have enough on your plate. it's ok to say no. it's ok for other people to not always get what they want.
Anonymous
11/02/2011 10:30
Subject: Re:First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?
Also, you might think about what it was like when you were a little kid or ask your DH what it was like in his family. I remember driving to my grandparents house (about 2.5 hours away) at least once a month when I was a kid. I know that my parents made this trip when I was a baby because I have seen plenty of pictures. However, my grandparents also visited us about once a month and the whole family traded sites for holidays so there was lots of visiting all around.
I agree with the PP that it seems like some modern grandparents aren't as willing to travel as ours were (maybe because the retired lifestyle is more busy and active than it once was). But, it also seems like a lot of people who have the "I don't travel with kids" rule are probably the children of people who were more willing to travel to see family. Now that your parents are grandparents, they may expect you to come and visit them the way that they went to visit their parents. It is a pain to travel with little kids, but people with little kids grow up and become grandparents who want their grandkids to visit.
I agree with the PP that it seems like some modern grandparents aren't as willing to travel as ours were (maybe because the retired lifestyle is more busy and active than it once was). But, it also seems like a lot of people who have the "I don't travel with kids" rule are probably the children of people who were more willing to travel to see family. Now that your parents are grandparents, they may expect you to come and visit them the way that they went to visit their parents. It is a pain to travel with little kids, but people with little kids grow up and become grandparents who want their grandkids to visit.
Anonymous
11/02/2011 10:22
Subject: First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?
Anonymous wrote:We're expecting and our family is a 4 hour drive away. As soon as we are able to travel we're going back to see our 2 remaining grandparents (both ages 85). After losing my grandmother recently I want to do everything in my power to have my grandfather and DH's grandmother meet our child, and spend as much time with them as possible. Yes the drive will suck (we also have a small dog), but it's a small price to pay to let the family spend time with their grand (or great-grand) child(ren). We plan on monthly visits home the first 6 months to ensure enough great-grandparent time.
LOL - good luck with that! Hopefully your baby will love the carseat because most don't. Once you have kids you will realize that a 4 hour drive is a nightmare. I also once thought about it like you then our first trip happened and we've cut down driving time to 1 or 2 trips per year total.
Anyway, OP, I totally feel for you. Except that it took my retired FIL 10 months to visit us and our new son even after we visited him first. Some people are truly homebodies and don't like to travel no matter how short the distance. I think you are being reasonable - visiting on long weekends / holidays. That is what we do too. I wish my in-laws were more involved in our life, but they aren't and they don't seem to mind having a distant relationship with us.
It wasn't clear from your post - are they guilting you into traveling more or do you want to see them more, but can't due to logistics?
Anonymous
11/02/2011 09:53
Subject: Re:First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?
I agree that you should ask them to come and plan a specific time. But I also agree that a 2 hour drive every couple of months is NOT too much, even with a 6 month old and even being up 2-3 times a night. Suck it up and do it once. Even if just for a day.
Anonymous
11/02/2011 09:32
Subject: Re:First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?
My own policy is to make clear that we have an open door and would love visits from grandparents. DH's parents live 4 hours away. They expect us to go visit them. They're youngish (under 55) and work full time but we work much longer hours and have a young child. They still seem to think we should be driving to see them and ask "when are we going to see you again" or "when are you coming up again" and we say "you're welcome to visit us any time". DS is almost 2 and we tried to go every other month during his first year. He at least slept in the car for that and we could go after bedtime. After a year he didn't sleep in the car and it's too disruptive to his schedule, not to mention my in-laws' house is a deathtrap for toddlers and they don't want to change anything.
Anonymous
11/02/2011 08:11
Subject: First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?
We're expecting and our family is a 4 hour drive away. As soon as we are able to travel we're going back to see our 2 remaining grandparents (both ages 85). After losing my grandmother recently I want to do everything in my power to have my grandfather and DH's grandmother meet our child, and spend as much time with them as possible. Yes the drive will suck (we also have a small dog), but it's a small price to pay to let the family spend time with their grand (or great-grand) child(ren). We plan on monthly visits home the first 6 months to ensure enough great-grandparent time.
Anonymous
11/02/2011 07:46
Subject: Re:First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?
OP, one issue might be that you and DH aren't giving any ground. Any chance of "meeting in the middle" either literally or figuratively?
DH's parents live a plane flight away so it's a little bit different. But my parents live 2-2.5 hours away and of course they want to see the baby as much as possible. For various reasons it's not possible for us to spend the night at their house, but would that be an option for you? Go early one day (during AM nap) and come home the next day (during PM nap)?
What I do, especially since DH has to work on weekends all the time, is I drive TO my parents during AM nap. Then we have all day with them. Around her normal bedtime I nurse her, put on a night diaper and PJ's, and get back in the car. She sleeps the whole way home, then I get her in the house as gently as possible and nurse her again before putting her in the crib. I've done this twice in 9 mos and it's gone a LONG WAY in demonstrating that we're making an effort. In return, my parents come to us. What we do most frequently is meet in the middle (for us, Annapolis area). We meet at the mall or such, have lunch, they play with DD (if I'm lucky they buy her something!) and then we go our separate ways. Not too bad a drive for anyone.
Now, I'm not saying you have to back down, and I agree with PP's who said don't let them guilt you, but making the GP's think that you are TRYING, can go a long way. GL!
DH's parents live a plane flight away so it's a little bit different. But my parents live 2-2.5 hours away and of course they want to see the baby as much as possible. For various reasons it's not possible for us to spend the night at their house, but would that be an option for you? Go early one day (during AM nap) and come home the next day (during PM nap)?
What I do, especially since DH has to work on weekends all the time, is I drive TO my parents during AM nap. Then we have all day with them. Around her normal bedtime I nurse her, put on a night diaper and PJ's, and get back in the car. She sleeps the whole way home, then I get her in the house as gently as possible and nurse her again before putting her in the crib. I've done this twice in 9 mos and it's gone a LONG WAY in demonstrating that we're making an effort. In return, my parents come to us. What we do most frequently is meet in the middle (for us, Annapolis area). We meet at the mall or such, have lunch, they play with DD (if I'm lucky they buy her something!) and then we go our separate ways. Not too bad a drive for anyone.
Now, I'm not saying you have to back down, and I agree with PP's who said don't let them guilt you, but making the GP's think that you are TRYING, can go a long way. GL!
Anonymous
11/02/2011 07:21
Subject: Re:First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you've made it so clear they are welcome to visit you, I wouldn't worry about it. Don't let them guilt you.
Yes, this. Don't worry about it.
This. Seems like you have to set boundaries with these people. I wouldn't want to travel with a baby up 2-3 times a night either. Stick to your guns.
She's not talking about traveling overnight. They live two hours away.
Anonymous
11/02/2011 07:02
Subject: Re:First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you've made it so clear they are welcome to visit you, I wouldn't worry about it. Don't let them guilt you.
Yes, this. Don't worry about it.
This. Seems like you have to set boundaries with these people. I wouldn't want to travel with a baby up 2-3 times a night either. Stick to your guns.
Anonymous
11/01/2011 23:36
Subject: Re:First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?
I don't think its about guilt. The OP should do what she wants. She is under no obligation to travel out of town to see family with an infant. But, the OP kind of wants to guilt the grandparents for the very same behavior. This is not a situation where she is making the effort of visiting and they are not reciprocating. This is a situation where no one is making the effort. (or, actually, by the OP's admission the grandparents have made a small effort.) Why do people think that they can say that they don't want to travel because it is hard but then criticize family members who take the same attitude with their own lives?
If she was talking a six hour plane ride and couldn't do it because she has no leave right now, that would be different. Not being able to travel is not the same thing as not wanting to travel, even though they often feel like the same thing. She is talking about a trip that can be done in one day and everyone sleeps in his or her own bed. You don't HAVE to do it, but if you don't you can't be mad when others don't do it either.
If she was talking a six hour plane ride and couldn't do it because she has no leave right now, that would be different. Not being able to travel is not the same thing as not wanting to travel, even though they often feel like the same thing. She is talking about a trip that can be done in one day and everyone sleeps in his or her own bed. You don't HAVE to do it, but if you don't you can't be mad when others don't do it either.
Anonymous
11/01/2011 23:11
Subject: First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?
Anonymous wrote:Some background: We have a 6 month old and both WOH full time. DS has two sets of grandparents on DH's side. For one set of grandparents, both are retired. Another set, they both are still working. Both sets are fairly young (3 out of the 4 are under 60) and all are healthy. Both sets live about 2 hours away. The retired grandparents have only visited DS twice in the last 6 months. Both times were before he was 2 months old, so it's been 4 months since they have seen him. The other set, the working ones, have only been here once.
I had to use all of my paid vacation time for my maternity leave, so I don't have any extra, paid time off for a while. DS is still up 2-3 times a night, so we're not sleeping that well either. My husband and I use the weekends to rest, run errands, and enjoy downtime with our son.
Both sets of in-laws are giving us a hard time because we haven't been up there to visit. The thought of taking a two hour trip, at this point, is overwhelming to me since I already feel like I'm hanging on to my sanity by a very thin thread. We also have a dog, so we'd have to bring him with us as well.
I am just wondering if I am out of line and I should just suck it up and make the trip? On the other hand, I feel like they don't have anything preventing them from coming down here (especially the set that is retired) and we are happy to host them in our home. We have invited both sets, multiple times, and they always have a reason as to why they can't visit. A few weekends ago, DH called his mom and she was on her way to the shore (a good 3 hours from their home!!) to get some french fries, so it's not like they can't/don't travel. My parents are 45 minutes away and make the trip to see DS at least once a week.
So, how often did you visit grandparents in the first year?
Don't let them or anyone on this board guilt you. The grandparents have the time and ability to come see you. They should be the ones traveling at this point.
I don't understand the current generation of grandparents. They are unlike the highly involved, interested grandparents that seemed ever present when I grew up (generally speaking). They are obsessed with what the grand-kids call them. It's terrible. And, yes, I'm of the camp that they have an obligation to help and, more importantly, spend time with their grandchildren. They should want to. Not on a daily basis but, yes, more regular than my experience and the experiences of those posting on this board (with regularity) show.
Anonymous
11/01/2011 22:39
Subject: First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?
If this is equally applicable to your own parents, how come you don't just ask them what the deal is? Hopefully they would be candid with you.
I also wonder if you just have an open invitation or you have specifically invited them for particular weekends. I find the "come any time" is not really an invitation bc it makes someone feel like they are intruding to actually take you up on that.
There are just so many factors we don't know. How old are they? What is your guestroom like? are they in the category of "older" ppl, where comfort is more of an issue?
I'm sort of over the DCUM posts like this where people don't actually TALK to their family members. Not trying to be mean at ALL, but hey, it's your MIL. How about picking up the phone and saying, we'd love to see you, how about we pick a weekend in X month where you could come for a visit. Even one night would be great.
I also traveled a lot with my DS and it can be a pain, but the flip side is, when you are away, the other stuff (house, laundry etc) is not in the way. In a way, I've found weekend trips (flights in my family) to visit parents and inlaws to be not too bad - they deal with all the meals etc. You do have to pack up the car and pre-plan things, but it's not impossible.
I also wonder if you just have an open invitation or you have specifically invited them for particular weekends. I find the "come any time" is not really an invitation bc it makes someone feel like they are intruding to actually take you up on that.
There are just so many factors we don't know. How old are they? What is your guestroom like? are they in the category of "older" ppl, where comfort is more of an issue?
I'm sort of over the DCUM posts like this where people don't actually TALK to their family members. Not trying to be mean at ALL, but hey, it's your MIL. How about picking up the phone and saying, we'd love to see you, how about we pick a weekend in X month where you could come for a visit. Even one night would be great.
I also traveled a lot with my DS and it can be a pain, but the flip side is, when you are away, the other stuff (house, laundry etc) is not in the way. In a way, I've found weekend trips (flights in my family) to visit parents and inlaws to be not too bad - they deal with all the meals etc. You do have to pack up the car and pre-plan things, but it's not impossible.
Anonymous
11/01/2011 22:20
Subject: First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?
OP, I don't know where the PPs are getting the idea that you want to treat the grandparents like free babysitting. Sounds like you were a perfectly fine host - they came to visit the baby, not to be served and entertained by you; don't sweat it. You are being totally reasonable by not wanting to deal with traveling with your infant, when you are working and are dealing with all the exhaustion of a young infant. Let them come to you, and if these are your in-laws, get your husband to deal with them on this issue. DO NOT feel guilty about it at all! As your son gets older, it will be easier to travel up to see them, and no doubt you will be doing so plenty.
Anonymous
11/01/2011 21:51
Subject: Re:First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?
OP, it doesn't sound like you actually were treating your in-laws like babysitters (nursing upstairs does not make you a bad host, I would say from your FIL's point-of-view that probably made you a good host). I think the PP's were just trying to give you different perspectives to think about.
I will give you another one. We live about three hours from my BIL and SIL and they have a one year old. We have no kids. We have gone up to visit them three times this year for baby related things (birth, baptism, 1st birthday.) And, we have gone to IL's house who live near them (so also about three hours for us) three other times for family events. For us, six trips out of town. BIL and SIL haven't visited us this year, which is fine. But, they are starting to play the "we have a kid and it is a pain to travel card" a lot for family events and expecting everyone to work around their needs. Yes, it easier for us to travel (which is why we have done it this year and not asked them to do it) but, we also have our own schedules and don't think that our lives are unimportant just because we don't have kids.
So, my advice. Make sure you aren't giving off a "our lives are so hard and yours is so easy so, of course, you should always be the one who is inconvenienced" vibe. If you have never been to see them, you might be guilty of this. You can take a hard line on no traveling with a kid, but you risk giving up the moral high ground by going this route.
I will give you another one. We live about three hours from my BIL and SIL and they have a one year old. We have no kids. We have gone up to visit them three times this year for baby related things (birth, baptism, 1st birthday.) And, we have gone to IL's house who live near them (so also about three hours for us) three other times for family events. For us, six trips out of town. BIL and SIL haven't visited us this year, which is fine. But, they are starting to play the "we have a kid and it is a pain to travel card" a lot for family events and expecting everyone to work around their needs. Yes, it easier for us to travel (which is why we have done it this year and not asked them to do it) but, we also have our own schedules and don't think that our lives are unimportant just because we don't have kids.
So, my advice. Make sure you aren't giving off a "our lives are so hard and yours is so easy so, of course, you should always be the one who is inconvenienced" vibe. If you have never been to see them, you might be guilty of this. You can take a hard line on no traveling with a kid, but you risk giving up the moral high ground by going this route.
Anonymous
11/01/2011 21:43
Subject: Re:First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?
Anonymous wrote:OP here... we are making a trip to visit them on Thanksgiving, so we'll visit them at least once this year.
I admit wasn't the best host when they came to visit when DS was first born. We ordered take out food and just hung out around the house. Although, I definitely didn't hand DS off to them and expect them to watch him. I never asked or expected them to help with anything around the house (and they didn't, no biggie). I did excuse myself to go upstairs and nurse because I wasn't comfortable doing it in front of my FILs. Now that I think about it, maybe they thought I was avoiding them somehow? I was going upstairs every 2-3 hours and it took a while to nurse.
Ugh, this in-law stuff is crazy.
OP, I suspect some of the PPs are misreading how old your baby is. That first visit you're *supposed* to be a bad host--you had a newborn! Every nurse/therapist/midwife I've had has talked about how those early visitors are supposed to be there to make your life easier, not harder. If that means grandma holds the baby while you sleep, that's how it's supposed to be. I wouldn't feel in the slightest bit guilty about any of the stuff you've said.
That said, two hours really isn't that far, especially at six months. Does DS sleep okay in the car? If it were me, I'd leave in the morning right before the first nap, he'd sleep the whole way there, spend two hours of awake quality time with the grandparents, then drive home (second nap in the car). Sure, it's a day you can't rest and catch up around the house, but those long drives are the only time DH and I really get to have actual conversations, so we relish them. (My DS is 9 months. At 3 months, we drove about 2600 miles in a week to visit three different grandparent sets. With a dog. It wasn't a magical vacation to be sure, but otherwise I wasn't sure how he would meet his great-grandmothers.)