Anonymous wrote:Marriage requires giving up new sexual experiences and for many people this is a long haul. 45 years of sex with the same person? This depresses me and I am a woman. I love my husband and kids but I do miss have some sexual thrills that aren't huge emotional commitments.

Why destroy your family over a small dalliance, really?

Marriage should be more flexible and this would save the institution.

I think in our culture a lifetime of devotion and monogamy is largely untenable. This isn't because half of us are sociopaths/narcissists/don't love our children....

+1

[quote=Anonymous]Many cheaters want to "double dip" both the spouse and the lover. These cheaters want to have everything - not dividing martial assets during the divorce, not paying child support, security and comfort of having a family & the fun and excitement with the lover. In addition, having affairs is a great ego boost.

For many of us, it is human nature to "take advantages" of others. [b]It is up to us to accept being taken advantages of![/b].

If the spouse has to blame the lover, please blame the cheater as well. Quite often, the cheaters lie to the lovers that they stay in the marriages because of the children, their spouses are bad ... Actually, I think the spouse should blame the cheater more than the lover in many cases.

"It is [u]up to us to accept being taken advantages of[/u]![/quote]

It's the cheating spouse that acts on impulse, but also plots and schedules time away from the family -- leaving the kids with cheated-on-spouse, spending time and money in the process. Think about it. Cheating spouse has to take several steps: 1, meet someone; 2, plan to cheat; 3, find a place to cheat; 4, come back to spouse and lie. Blame the spouse who put all that work into cheating in the first place.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]PP You didn't want to lose your husband but you had an affair. Have you ever heard the phrase "playing with fire"? If you don't want to lose you your husband, keep your pants zipped. Cheating is a cowardly act. Have the guts to leave your marriage or have enough respect for your spouse to remain faithful. [/quote]

That's so easy to write, seems so black and white. It's not that simple. I don't want to give up sex with my lover, but don't want to be married to him. I'm happy for my kids to live with their father full time.[/quote]

For your husband's sake and your kids' sake, I hope you and your lover use condoms. Don't give your husband a disease that could be potentially life threatening. Please get yourself tested. You never know if your lover has others.

op is dumping her frustration with her dh on dcmom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP You didn't want to lose your husband but you had an affair. Have you ever heard the phrase "playing with fire"? If you don't want to lose you your husband, keep your pants zipped. Cheating is a cowardly act. Have the guts to leave your marriage or have enough respect for your spouse to remain faithful.

Did you start this thread so you could deliver this rebuke? I think maybe you did. I think maybe you were dying to lecture and condescend to someone, so you began this thread hoping for the response you eventually got so that you could unleash this post that you wrote and rewrote for, what, a week?

That's exactly the feeling I got when I read OP's thread.

Plenty of married men brag about their affairs to other men.

Anonymous wrote:I want it both ways. I want the stable, two married parents picture for the kids, and I sure don't want my spouse to take half the money I've worked so hard for the past 20 years.

This is why the world has so many problems. "the rules don't apply to me" attitude. I want what I want when I want it and screw everyone else. Speed limits- who cares if I drive 80 and kill someone or drive drunk and kill someone. Lying- no problem. Cheating- no problem. It's all about me. Who cares who I hurt. And on and on. So many selfish hurtful people in this world.

Lying is second nature to most people who cheat. If your belief system / value system makes it okay to hurt and devastate your spouse, potentially cause harm to your children (family fall apart, non cheating parent emotionally scarred), and think only of yourself...of course they will lie. Lie, cheat, steal....go hand in hand. If someone doesn't have integrity and character, then they act in ways that show that.

for the sake of children

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP You didn't want to lose your husband but you had an affair. Have you ever heard the phrase "playing with fire"? If you don't want to lose you your husband, keep your pants zipped. Cheating is a cowardly act. Have the guts to leave your marriage or have enough respect for your spouse to remain faithful.

Did you start this thread so you could deliver this rebuke? I think maybe you did. I think maybe you were dying to lecture and condescend to someone, so you began this thread hoping for the response you eventually got so that you could unleash this post that you wrote and rewrote for, what, a week?

Regardless of her intent, she is correct. I'm sure it's painful if you have had an affair to know you did something SO WRONG. Those who have affairs and try to rationalize them by saying that monogamy is "untenable" are full of it. Get a divorce if you think that. Those that say "I want it both ways" are getting what they want at the expense of crushing pain for their spouse and kids. It's so incredibly selfish. I understand the need for excitement, I've been married for 22 yrs (with not the best sex life) but I hope I would never do anything to hurt my DH and kids.

Anonymous wrote:PP You didn't want to lose your husband but you had an affair. Have you ever heard the phrase "playing with fire"? If you don't want to lose you your husband, keep your pants zipped. Cheating is a cowardly act. Have the guts to leave your marriage or have enough respect for your spouse to remain faithful.

Did you start this thread so you could deliver this rebuke? I think maybe you did. I think maybe you were dying to lecture and condescend to someone, so you began this thread hoping for the response you eventually got so that you could unleash this post that you wrote and rewrote for, what, a week?

Marriage requires giving up new sexual experiences and for many people this is a long haul. 45 years of sex with the same person? This depresses me and I am a woman. I love my husband and kids but I do miss have some sexual thrills that aren't huge emotional commitments.

Why destroy your family over a small dalliance, really?

Marriage should be more flexible and this would save the institution.

I think in our culture a lifetime of devotion and monogamy is largely untenable. This isn't because half of us are sociopaths/narcissists/don't love our children....

Because they are selfish sloors. Simple.

Wish I knew the answer. In my case my cheating husband really could have easily left - we had no kids, no joint assets, we rented etc. don't know why he didn't just leave instead of being a prick. That way he could have banged a different single mother (his specialty) every week.

Many cheaters want to "double dip" both the spouse and the lover. These cheaters want to have everything - not dividing martial assets during the divorce, not paying child support, security and comfort of having a family & the fun and excitement with the lover. In addition, having affairs is a great ego boost.

For many of us, it is human nature to "take advantages" of others. [b]It is up to us to accept being taken advantages of![/b].

If the spouse has to blame the lover, please blame the cheater as well. Quite often, the cheaters lie to the lovers that they stay in the marriages because of the children, their spouses are bad ... Actually, I think the spouse should blame the cheater more than the lover in many cases.

"It is [u]up to us to accept being taken advantages of[/u]!