Another option would be to learn a bit of Italian and get a nun costume--probably on sale now!

Seriously, I hope you're able to work things out soon.

"Just an FYI, as an Italian who has seen my great-grandmothers and grandmothers go through this part of their life... When Italian women hit 90, they almost uniformly go through this paranoid/delusional thing. "

How about the 90 year old Italian nuns?

Anonymous wrote:Also, for people telling me to "keep her close," and "don't let her move away..." How exactly am I supposed to do this? If she hadn't this "friend" sure enough... we could just refuse to drive her there/set up the administrative thing with the Vincentian home... but with this nosey buddy inserting himself into her life and enabling her, he may pretty well just come her to pick her up and drive her himself. What authority do we have to say "no" and not let her go? Really, none!

This is why it is worth researching your options for getting guardianship/power of attorney over her. Moving away is a bad decision, and it really sounds like she is not lucid enough to make informed decisions. In the meantime, I don't know if it would help for your husband to call the nursing home that she wants to move to and explain that she isn't able to make informed decisions, that the family wants her to stay where she is, and this friend is interfering. If you and your husband are paying for her care now, tell the far away nursing home that and that you won't pay for her to live there. I wouldn't imagine they would want a client without payment, especially if she doesn't yet qualify for Medicaid, so that should lead them not to accept her.

The friend's behavior is odd and makes me wonder if he's exploiting her financially. Is there a way to see if she has been sending money to this friend, deeding him assets, or writing him into her will without making her feel like you're persecuting him unfairly?

To the OP: Based on what you've written it sounds like your husband has the final say in what your MIL does, but I think to truly know the answer you need to speak with your attorney.

Your husband can warn the friend, that he has POA and if your mother is removed from the the state and/or the facility without his ok, he will press kidnapping charges.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your MIL loaded? I'm not sure what this friend is doing around her ...

No, not loaded by any means! Yes, she does have enough* to take care of herself in case she lives many more years and ends up in a nursing home (which are more expensive than an assisted living community). In sum, she is not "loaded" but is well off (specially where she used to live, here not so much).

That may well be enough for that friend to be interested though ... would be careful about that.

Anonymous wrote:Just an FYI, as an Italian who has seen my great-grandmothers and grandmothers go through this part of their life... When Italian women hit 90, they almost uniformly go through this paranoid/delusional thing.

I would let her go live with the nuns. Honestly, when I am old that is where I will be most happy, too. There is some sort of comfort (being Italian) and being surrounded by an order of nuns. It's like being in the old country.

I am 11:05, and I think you're nuts.

what? It's in our genes to to become paranoid in our old age?

Please see an attorney asap about getting a POA that lets you control decision-making and the purse.

Anonymous wrote:Is your MIL loaded? I'm not sure what this friend is doing around her ...

No, not loaded by any means! Yes, she does have enough* to take care of herself in case she lives many more years and ends up in a nursing home (which are more expensive than an assisted living community). In sum, she is not "loaded" but is well off (specially where she used to live, here not so much).

Is your MIL loaded? I'm not sure what this friend is doing around her ...

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP, this all sounds very difficult. My grandmother, now 97, also has similar behaviors (paranoia, nastiness/complaining, etc.). As everyone else says, it's classic behavior in elderly people with dementia.

What you describe about the friend is disturbing. I think you need to talk to the nursing home staff/social worker, and seek advice from them. They'll have a better idea of how to handle this situation, legally and otherwise.

I hear you on the ambivalence about your MIL's situation, and the feeling that she may in some ways be happier at this other facility. Have you visited it or do you have reliable information about it? I think it's so hard to find a perfect solution at this age--even when someone clearly needs assisted living the facilities are often depressing, but there's just not much you can do. She is being well cared for, it sounds like, and they are doing what they can for her. I also think 8 weeks is not very long at all so I wouldn't assume that if she stays, she won't end up being comfortable there.

If you are controlling her money, which it sounds like you are, how would she be able to move even if she wanted to?

My husband is paying her bills for her (electronically) but she still have check books - in fact, we ordered and gave to her. At the time we didn't' think any of it. The place she wants to move in looks very nice. I did a google search yesterday night and it has nice reviews. Also, although I distrust the Catholic church overall, I don't think they would mistreat the elderly; however, initially she didn't want to go to this place (when she was still living by herself) because they asked for her financial information (what is her asset, what are her SS benefits, pensions, etc.) and they also had some sort of requirement for her to sign a POA for them. She is very distrustful and thought they were after her money, so she decided to move in closer to us. Anyways, now they no longer require the POA thing according to my MIL's "friend." I do have to hear that from them though.

I'm sorry OP, this all sounds very difficult. My grandmother, now 97, also has similar behaviors (paranoia, nastiness/complaining, etc.). As everyone else says, it's classic behavior in elderly people with dementia.

What you describe about the friend is disturbing. I think you need to talk to the nursing home staff/social worker, and seek advice from them. They'll have a better idea of how to handle this situation, legally and otherwise.

I hear you on the ambivalence about your MIL's situation, and the feeling that she may in some ways be happier at this other facility. Have you visited it or do you have reliable information about it? I think it's so hard to find a perfect solution at this age--even when someone clearly needs assisted living the facilities are often depressing, but there's just not much you can do. She is being well cared for, it sounds like, and they are doing what they can for her. I also think 8 weeks is not very long at all so I wouldn't assume that if she stays, she won't end up being comfortable there.

If you are controlling her money, which it sounds like you are, how would she be able to move even if she wanted to?

FYI, so we can better discuss options without wasting everyone's time, the POA for my MIL is entitled "DURABLE GENERAL POWER OF ATTORNEY" and it lists my DH as the sole true Agent for her. It goes through several lengthy provisions that focus on her property, estate, taxes, bills and other fiduciary activities/tasks/obligations. Then comes number 8:

"To make whatever arrangements and to decide upon whatever courses of treatment that may be necessary, beneficial or desirable for my care, comfort, welfare and maintenance, including health, medical, surgical, dental and nursing care, and for my admission to confinement in and release from hospitals, nursing homes and other institutions. In this connection, I hereby authorize and empower my Agent to arrange for and consent to medical, surgical and therapeutic procedures for me including the administration of drugs." It then continues with what I believe is a clear statement of a Living Will (the same language exists in her separately written and witnessed Living Will).

In addition, while the POA was written to conform to the state laws of Pennsylvania, it includes language to demand enforcement in other states of the US as per the reciprocity agreements between US states.

Additionally, near the end of the POA there is this statement: "If the occasion should arise for a court to appoint a guardian of my estate or a guardian of my person, I nominate my Agent herein appointed to be the guardian of my estate and the guardian of my person."

I hope this information is helpful for everyone; I find your feedback to be very helpful and useful all the time!

OP

Just an FYI, as an Italian who has seen my great-grandmothers and grandmothers go through this part of their life... When Italian women hit 90, they almost uniformly go through this paranoid/delusional thing.

I would let her go live with the nuns. Honestly, when I am old that is where I will be most happy, too. There is some sort of comfort (being Italian) and being surrounded by an order of nuns. It's like being in the old country.

You have a limited poa. There are different poa's and the nursing home will be able to help.

Anonymous wrote:You need to look into getting a power of attorney (both financial and medical), if MIL is in fact becoming unable to manage her affairs.

My husband already has a POA (signed in 2003) and she also has a living will in place. However, correct me if I am wrong, the POA does not give him powers to make decision for her against her wishes, when she is still able to express her will (even if not completely sane/reasonable). I mean, if she was completely demented/out of it or in some sort of vegetative state, I can see how a POA would be useful.

Right now, it is only useful to monitor her accounts and make sure "no one" steals from her and to pay her bills in her name. I thought in a case like the one we have right now, the only thing that would really help would be some sort of guardianship.

I've read the POA and it says it can be revoked by her (or a court)... so, can you imagine if my husband tell her "no, mom, we won't let you go... we want you to stay here with us..." and she gets pissed and revoke the POA?! Then I would be much more concerned about this friend of hers and his influence on her....

It is clear we have to reach for the Assisted living manager - I only hope she is used to this kind of situation and can guide us, put us in contact with a social worker or whatnot.