But as far as inviting the mom to do things that are not at all child-focused? No way. With work, family obligations, school events, and everything else I barely have time to spend time with my real friends who I've known for years and am not going to invite someone I don't know to tag along just because their kid happens to be in the same class as mine.

Thatta girl! Will you please remember to post this, verbatim, on every thread in the "I am so lonely, why can't I make friends?" genre??

So like this:

OP: I don't get it; I reach out to other women and offer friendly gestures to get together, but nothing is ever reciprocated. We moved here 3 yrs. ago and sometimes I wonder if it's impossible to make friends after 40?

(this is your cue, go!)


YOU: [A]s far as inviting mom[s like you] to do things that are not at all child-focused? No way. With work, family obligations, school events, and everything else I barely have time to spend time with my real friends who I've known for years and I am not going to invite someone I don't know to tag along just because their kid happens to be in the same class as mine.

Anonymous wrote:

Wait - so when parents who have known each other for years, and whose kids have known each other for years, hang out together, that's a clique? I always considered that "having friends." Silly me.

Yes, and when your friends and you never even think to invite the new kid over for football and pizza, nor do you invite the mom with you when you work out / get drinks / go to Costco / see a movie because that would be a nice thing to do, seeing as s/he's new, that's considered "being insular."

Bet that's never occurred to you.

You weren't responding to me, I'm 14:53. My DS is at a charter school so this is a non-issue for me, but still giving my two cents. Inviting the child to child-focused events is the nice thing to do and what should be done, at least if kids are still at an age where you are setting up playdates. But as far as inviting the mom to do things that are not at all child-focused? No way. With work, family obligations, school events, and everything else I barely have time to spend time with my real friends who I've known for years and am not going to invite someone I don't know to tag along just because their kid happens to be in the same class as mine.

I probably shouldn't bother to respond but . . . .

My kids have been in the same class as the children of many of the women who manage the PTA, and I've never felt they've been insular - through various events and parties, I've been to a number of their homes. I'll probably never be good friends with any of them, but I do feel like they try to include people.

And fwiw, all of them that I know work and have multiple children, so expecting them to ask other new parents to come work out with them is is bit much.

Wait - so when parents who have known each other for years, and whose kids have known each other for years, hang out together, that's a clique? I always considered that "having friends." Silly me.

Yes, and when your friends and you never even think to invite the new kid over for football and pizza, nor do you invite the mom with you when you work out / get drinks / go to Costco / see a movie because that would be a nice thing to do, seeing as s/he's new, that's considered "being insular."

Bet that's never occurred to you.

Thanks for all the feedback. Didn't know that IB parents experienced the same problem. I wasn't trying to make "friends" just wanted a cordial relationship, but anyway the school is Janney.

Wait - so when parents who have known each other for years, and whose kids have known each other for years, hang out together, that's a clique? I always considered that "having friends." Silly me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And for what it's worth, the women who run the place seems to be a little, well, crazy. The absolute high point of our experience at said JKLM was being asked to help the poor 100% minority school from the east side of town celebrate "Reading is Fun" day by - yes, you've got it - not bringing books, but bringing color-coordinated cupcakes to take as a cupcake "flag" to our adopted school. Not a chance in hell that our Whole Foods families would feed that crap to our own kids...

We're at Janney. Never heard of this colored cupcake thing.

So we can assume that the school is not Janney. If it is Mann, which is a great second guess, I really feel for this parent. I hear that it can be brutal there if you do not fit a certain "profile".

Isn't Mann Ward 2? I thought she said Ward 3.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, ... if they only knew I could provide a great service to the school, which i have once, but when you act a certain way to a person this draws them back from what they can do.

This sounds a bit like you're thinking more of yourself than the kids... Who cares what there people think of you or if they look at you sideways?? Aren't you looking to get involved for your child's sake? Or are you looking to make friends? I guess if both are possible, great. But if not, I'd drop the desire to make great friends. Keep it about the kids, and let any attitude you get from a few people be water off your back.

This. If your child is enjoying school, receiving a good education, and has friends in school and in the neighborhood, who cares if some random moms want to hang out with you or not? My parents were never into making fake friends with my childhood friends' parents. There were of course 2 or 3 exceptions where they hit it off, but when it came to school their focus was on the kids' education and happiness. I think it may be worthwhile for you to take a step back and refocus on what matters.

Assuming you are talking about Janney or Mann (which apparently have the same PTA contribution fee) then I can tell you as an IB parent that it is hard to break into the mother's cliques even IB, esp if you are a WOHM with a demanding job/hours. I am trying to be patient and not invest too much emotionally into breaking that barrier. As long as DC is doing well everything is fine. Just didn't want you to think its strictly and IB v. OB thing.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, ... if they only knew I could provide a great service to the school, which i have once, but when you act a certain way to a person this draws them back from what they can do.

This sounds a bit like you're thinking more of yourself than the kids... Who cares what there people think of you or if they look at you sideways?? Aren't you looking to get involved for your child's sake? Or are you looking to make friends? I guess if both are possible, great. But if not, I'd drop the desire to make great friends. Keep it about the kids, and let any attitude you get from a few people be water off your back.

If the school is Mann, I have heard that it’s a “tough nut to crack”.

We’re new at Janney this year and have found people to be very welcoming. I don’t actually know which kids in my kids’ classes are IB vs. OOB. Now, are there little cliques of parents here and there on the playground, etc.? Sure. Are they friendly when approached? In my experience, yes. And at Janney there are SO many kids there for my kids to make friends with. There’s no need for me to expend a TON of energy breaking into cliques, for goodness sake! Why would I want to? I’m SO over high school! LOL!

I do think that people are creatures of habit. I suspect in many of the “I’m being shut out” threads we’re mostly dealing with people who have known each other for years and are in patterns – they are used to hanging out. Whether we like it or not, when WE are new, WE need to make an effort to break in a little. Dragging me to a “parent social” event is like pulling teeth!! BUT… I do force myself to do some of it in order to get to know the parents of kids in my kids’ classes – at least a little bit. And if anything, I’ve found that Janney errs on the side of having too many of these events!!

OP – if you’re at Janney, my humble opinion is that the way you’re approaching the situation might be an issue – two years is a long time to not have made inroads. If anywhere else, I can’t of course speak from first hand experience. But I do think that our approach when we are the new ones makes a big difference. Hope your situation improves.

Anonymous wrote:Consider yourself lucky that DC has an OOB system or else you'd be forced to actually pony up the same housing cash as others who live IB. You want something better for less and dare complain about the mean moms? I thought this was about the children...

Sounds like we can put to rest the idea that the exclusion is all in the OP's head.

Consider yourself lucky that DC has an OOB system or else you'd be forced to actually pony up the same housing cash as others who live IB. You want something better for less and dare complain about the mean moms? I thought this was about the children...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And for what it's worth, the women who run the place seems to be a little, well, crazy. The absolute high point of our experience at said JKLM was being asked to help the poor 100% minority school from the east side of town celebrate "Reading is Fun" day by - yes, you've got it - not bringing books, but bringing color-coordinated cupcakes to take as a cupcake "flag" to our adopted school. Not a chance in hell that our Whole Foods families would feed that crap to our own kids...

We're at Janney. Never heard of this colored cupcake thing.

So we can assume that the school is not Janney. If it is Mann, which is a great second guess, I really feel for this parent. I hear that it can be brutal there if you do not fit a certain "profile".

Anonymous wrote:And for what it's worth, the women who run the place seems to be a little, well, crazy. The absolute high point of our experience at said JKLM was being asked to help the poor 100% minority school from the east side of town celebrate "Reading is Fun" day by - yes, you've got it - not bringing books, but bringing color-coordinated cupcakes to take as a cupcake "flag" to our adopted school. Not a chance in hell that our Whole Foods families would feed that crap to our own kids...

We're at Janney. Never heard of this colored cupcake thing.