Anonymous
10/18/2011 22:36
Subject: Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you know you are depressed.
Have you always had feelings of depression on some level, or do you think this is 100% situational?
I think your situation is a little unique becase you do not have children and you are not single either. If you were single, you would find people to party with, if you had kids there are zillions of mom support groups. You are not in your party stage any longer and do not have kids.
I don't really think I'm depressed, and my therapist (who I saw for a few months recently) did not think that either. I believe this is 100% situational. DH and I recently went to Europe on vacation, and I was so happy and felt so good the entire time. But now we're back to reality and 80 hour work weeks and extreme loneliness. So I really do think this is situational, but not having any family anywhere nearby does not help (I see my family once a year). And only having a few friends and no social circle to speak of doesn't help either.
DH and I often talk about how we are in an odd social niche, just as you say--i.e. married but no kids.
Anonymous
10/18/2011 22:18
Subject: Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness
I am married to a PhD - not MD - but takes his work verrrrryyy seriously, competing for tenure, travel, long nights in the lab, teaching, etc. I had not considered loneliness as a factor when we moved here for his job - until I saw an article in the Univ. paper titled something like "Widows plan to socialize" and the "widows" were the women married to new faculty... ! Yikes! I worked at home, knew nobody, had a new infant, did not feel I fit in anywhere, and truly came to know loneliness. Many loooonggg hours spent just being with an infant with no family around and no way to get out and socialize -
That was 8 years ago. What has changed? Not much. Child is in elem. sch. now. Other parents waaaayyy too busy to socialize. I find that long separations due to his work lead to distance between us and it's not good for the relationship. I find that a week together on vacation helps a lot - but they are few and far between. i go for days not talking to anyone but DS. Sure glad he can talk now! I love DH's work and how it stimulates and motivates him. He's on the cutting edge of his field and I can't hold him back because i'm lonely.
That was 8 years ago. What has changed? Not much. Child is in elem. sch. now. Other parents waaaayyy too busy to socialize. I find that long separations due to his work lead to distance between us and it's not good for the relationship. I find that a week together on vacation helps a lot - but they are few and far between. i go for days not talking to anyone but DS. Sure glad he can talk now! I love DH's work and how it stimulates and motivates him. He's on the cutting edge of his field and I can't hold him back because i'm lonely.
Anonymous
10/18/2011 22:10
Subject: Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Have lots of kids? LOL
My friend, whose DH is a physician that works long hours, gave up her career and had 4 kids. She's definitely not lonely anymore. Not sure that she's happy though.
Can you find someplace to volunteer on weekends for now?
Great advice.
Do you also advise that couples have more children when their marriage is in trouble? Because ya know, adding kids into a mix of problems is a great solution and wonderful for the kids as well.
The "LOL" after the first pp's "advice" of having kids made it pretty clear s/he was joking.
Anonymous
10/18/2011 22:09
Subject: Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness
One more link for you:
The AMA Alliance (www.amaalliance.org) offers social networking and other support for physician spouses and families, and some group practices, particularly in rural areas, are making proactive efforts to support spouses.
The AMA Alliance (www.amaalliance.org) offers social networking and other support for physician spouses and families, and some group practices, particularly in rural areas, are making proactive efforts to support spouses.
Anonymous
10/18/2011 22:07
Subject: Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness
OP, my spouse is also a dr and works long hours, a lot of overnights, etc. We also moved to this area knowing very, very few people and w/o kids-- found it very hard to meet others etc. In our case, we are one of the few couples where both of us don't work in medicine...seems to be more and more the norm.
Loneliness is definitely part of the game, and I think it is worse now (with facebook etc replacing so much of general personal interaction). I think, generally, many people are lonely ('bowling alone,' anyone?)And, because the DC area is a major metropolitan area with a lot of physicians and other highly educated professionals, you don't see the kind of 'clustering' of medical professionals/families as social peers here that my perception is happens in other places too.
As I read what you wrote, though, I think a lot of what you are dealing with may about if you are happy in your relationship, given its constraints. Only you- and no one on an anon message board-- knows if you are lonely because you feel 'neglected' by your spouse, if your spouse is really 'into' the relationship (working these hours definitely doesn't preclude this), if this is the kind of relationship you see yourself in/happy in for the long term, etc. It sounds like your DH will not be changing soon. Maybe it would be helpful for you to give therapy another try, or for your to try to engage in some ongoing reflection to help you clarify your needs and perspectives, like journaling?
It sounds like you are doing a lot of 'right' things. Maybe you can try to find ways to deepen your involvement with volunteering-- e.g. become involved in an organizing committee or help plan a benefit or something.
Wishing you the best of luck as your sort through this...
Loneliness is definitely part of the game, and I think it is worse now (with facebook etc replacing so much of general personal interaction). I think, generally, many people are lonely ('bowling alone,' anyone?)And, because the DC area is a major metropolitan area with a lot of physicians and other highly educated professionals, you don't see the kind of 'clustering' of medical professionals/families as social peers here that my perception is happens in other places too.
As I read what you wrote, though, I think a lot of what you are dealing with may about if you are happy in your relationship, given its constraints. Only you- and no one on an anon message board-- knows if you are lonely because you feel 'neglected' by your spouse, if your spouse is really 'into' the relationship (working these hours definitely doesn't preclude this), if this is the kind of relationship you see yourself in/happy in for the long term, etc. It sounds like your DH will not be changing soon. Maybe it would be helpful for you to give therapy another try, or for your to try to engage in some ongoing reflection to help you clarify your needs and perspectives, like journaling?
It sounds like you are doing a lot of 'right' things. Maybe you can try to find ways to deepen your involvement with volunteering-- e.g. become involved in an organizing committee or help plan a benefit or something.
Wishing you the best of luck as your sort through this...
Anonymous
10/18/2011 22:02
Subject: Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness
Where are you in NoVA?
Anonymous
10/18/2011 22:01
Subject: Re:Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness
I am one of the PPs who recommended military spouses or finding a way to network with other spouses. Here are some online physicians wives forums and blogs I found just by googling:
http://medicalspouse.com/index/
http://doctorwives.blogspot.com/
http://www.medicalspouse.com/forums/forum.php
I am sure there are more.
http://medicalspouse.com/index/
http://doctorwives.blogspot.com/
http://www.medicalspouse.com/forums/forum.php
I am sure there are more.
Anonymous
10/18/2011 21:59
Subject: Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness
OP, I think you know you are depressed.
Have you always had feelings of depression on some level, or do you think this is 100% situational?
I think your situation is a little unique becase you do not have children and you are not single either. If you were single, you would find people to party with, if you had kids there are zillions of mom support groups. You are not in your party stage any longer and do not have kids.
I'm sure your HHI is very healthy. Have you considered being a foster family, maybe on a temporary basis? I went down that path and there are SO many options to hlep local children, you can help a child out in a one week situation to as long a foster to adopt. Contrary to what most people think most ALL foster families are dual income. YYou would get linked into a wonderful group of people and you would have a higher purpose and be able to focus on someone else's needs and problems rather than your own.
Foster children are not scary problem children. They are fragile children who really need someone in the community to show them security and safety, even if for only the short time that you touch their lives.
Have you always had feelings of depression on some level, or do you think this is 100% situational?
I think your situation is a little unique becase you do not have children and you are not single either. If you were single, you would find people to party with, if you had kids there are zillions of mom support groups. You are not in your party stage any longer and do not have kids.
I'm sure your HHI is very healthy. Have you considered being a foster family, maybe on a temporary basis? I went down that path and there are SO many options to hlep local children, you can help a child out in a one week situation to as long a foster to adopt. Contrary to what most people think most ALL foster families are dual income. YYou would get linked into a wonderful group of people and you would have a higher purpose and be able to focus on someone else's needs and problems rather than your own.
Foster children are not scary problem children. They are fragile children who really need someone in the community to show them security and safety, even if for only the short time that you touch their lives.
Anonymous
10/18/2011 21:58
Subject: Re:Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness
Anonymous wrote:I want to piggyback on what 21:30 talked about.
Military spouses deal with this kind of schedule all the time, even when the active duty member is not deployed. As you move up in rank, it is not uncommon for both enlisted and officers to work 60, 70, 80+ hour weeks, even stateside. I can't tell you how many 18+ hour shifts, missed dinners, 7 day workweeks my husband and his peers have worked (this is in the country supporting the mission, not away at war) It is a tough life and I imagine you are experiencing many of the same struggles that military spouses face in terms of having an absentee spouse that you want to support, due to the noble nature of the job, but whose job requirements are often too much for the family.
The difference that helps militay spouses get through this kind of lifestyle is that they have an active network of people experiencing the same thing, and many more experienced people who are happy to help and mentor them through the long hours and absent spouses.
Do you have any friends whose husbands do a similar job/works the same type of hours who can emphathize with you? A spouses' group perhaps? Even one friend who really knows what you are going though and is suffering along with you can make all the difference in the world. I imagine there are many other of your husband's coworker's wives who are the same age, newer to town, and experiencing the same thing. Perhaps he can set up a dinner date with a few couples from work, and if things click you can exchange emails and get together with another wife in the same boat as you.
Do you know anyone in the military? Maybe look into some military spouse networks. As 21:30 said, they have been there, they understand, and they might be able to offer you the support you need, even if it's an online forum. Good luck to you. I hope things are better soon.
OP here. Thank you for writing all this. You make many helpful points. But I only have made three friends in the area since we moved here a few years ago not knowing a single person. The three friends' spouses all work normal 40 hour per week jobs--teacher, accountant, etc. One is a good friend and the other two are more acquaintances. I'd love to find a female friend who is in a similar situation but have not been able to do so yet. DH's colleagues are all in their 50's and 60's and so we have not socialized with them. He has a few other colleagues who are single males, but no one who has a wife that I could meet. My DH doesn't have time to socialize quite frankly so he hasn't gotten to know many people at work in general.
Anonymous
10/18/2011 21:51
Subject: Re:Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness
I want to piggyback on what 21:30 talked about.
Military spouses deal with this kind of schedule all the time, even when the active duty member is not deployed. As you move up in rank, it is not uncommon for both enlisted and officers to work 60, 70, 80+ hour weeks, even stateside. I can't tell you how many 18+ hour shifts, missed dinners, 7 day workweeks my husband and his peers have worked (this is in the country supporting the mission, not away at war) It is a tough life and I imagine you are experiencing many of the same struggles that military spouses face in terms of having an absentee spouse that you want to support, due to the noble nature of the job, but whose job requirements are often too much for the family.
The difference that helps militay spouses get through this kind of lifestyle is that they have an active network of people experiencing the same thing, and many more experienced people who are happy to help and mentor them through the long hours and absent spouses.
Do you have any friends whose husbands do a similar job/works the same type of hours who can emphathize with you? A spouses' group perhaps? Even one friend who really knows what you are going though and is suffering along with you can make all the difference in the world. I imagine there are many other of your husband's coworker's wives who are the same age, newer to town, and experiencing the same thing. Perhaps he can set up a dinner date with a few couples from work, and if things click you can exchange emails and get together with another wife in the same boat as you.
Do you know anyone in the military? Maybe look into some military spouse networks. As 21:30 said, they have been there, they understand, and they might be able to offer you the support you need, even if it's an online forum. Good luck to you. I hope things are better soon.
Military spouses deal with this kind of schedule all the time, even when the active duty member is not deployed. As you move up in rank, it is not uncommon for both enlisted and officers to work 60, 70, 80+ hour weeks, even stateside. I can't tell you how many 18+ hour shifts, missed dinners, 7 day workweeks my husband and his peers have worked (this is in the country supporting the mission, not away at war) It is a tough life and I imagine you are experiencing many of the same struggles that military spouses face in terms of having an absentee spouse that you want to support, due to the noble nature of the job, but whose job requirements are often too much for the family.
The difference that helps militay spouses get through this kind of lifestyle is that they have an active network of people experiencing the same thing, and many more experienced people who are happy to help and mentor them through the long hours and absent spouses.
Do you have any friends whose husbands do a similar job/works the same type of hours who can emphathize with you? A spouses' group perhaps? Even one friend who really knows what you are going though and is suffering along with you can make all the difference in the world. I imagine there are many other of your husband's coworker's wives who are the same age, newer to town, and experiencing the same thing. Perhaps he can set up a dinner date with a few couples from work, and if things click you can exchange emails and get together with another wife in the same boat as you.
Do you know anyone in the military? Maybe look into some military spouse networks. As 21:30 said, they have been there, they understand, and they might be able to offer you the support you need, even if it's an online forum. Good luck to you. I hope things are better soon.
Anonymous
10/18/2011 21:50
Subject: Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness
Is there any chance you could volunteer where he works? I know that's probably a long shot, but it might give you more time together... and maybe you could share the passion he has for his work?
Anonymous
10/18/2011 21:50
Subject: Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness
OP long ago when I was travelling to a friend's wedding a was seated next to a chatty orthopedic surgeon was going to see his wife and very excited. He explained that due to his long hours and her misery they decided it was best for her and the kids to live near her family and many of her friends and he would commute to see them. I don't think that's ideal at all, but I found it interesting since I was too young at the time to even be able to imagine a marriage could look like that. It worked for them. I think what sparked the conversation was the fact I was on my way to a friend's wedding and both she and her husband were both prodessionals who worked long hours. Another thing they did that a friend of mine and her husband do with the kids is they go on awesome vacations with good babysitting available-cruises to exotic places/club med, etc. They reconnect in a low stress atmosphere and they come back so refreshed.
Anonymous
10/18/2011 21:49
Subject: Re:Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness
Anonymous wrote:Surgeon's wife here. I don't have any answers for you. The crazy hours (overnight on call at the hospital) 14 hrs a day on the weekend and 80 hour weeks are sadly completely the norm for most medical specialities. They would work these kind of hours even if it were not required, I think. Most docs are possessed by their work--my DH, his brother and FIL are all the same with this (all docs) It is a lonely life for the spouses--Unless you could convince your spouse to take some kind of fed position--I don't see that ever changing.
OP here. Surgeon's wife, would you like to talk by email? I don't actually know any other physician spouses. DH's colleagues are all in their 50's and 60's pretty much so we never got to know them socially. I'd love to chat with someone else who understands the loneliness.
How do you deal with the lonely lifestyle? How have you coped? I've been married a long time but have never really been able to be successful at managing the loneliness.
Anonymous
10/18/2011 21:47
Subject: Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness
Can you find ONE other physician's wife who is in your situation (has her own career and no kids)? They say that having even a single friend/contact who "gets" you can make all the difference!
Then from there, maybe you two can together create a "medical spouses" social group, adding one person at a time as you look for them. Something tells me there are A LOT of women like you who would love to connect.
Also, I have to agree about trying to stick with physicians' spouses. I think military spouses have an additional layer of concerns that (understandably) might get in the way of the connection and friendship you're looking for.
Good luck!
Then from there, maybe you two can together create a "medical spouses" social group, adding one person at a time as you look for them. Something tells me there are A LOT of women like you who would love to connect.
Also, I have to agree about trying to stick with physicians' spouses. I think military spouses have an additional layer of concerns that (understandably) might get in the way of the connection and friendship you're looking for.
Good luck!
Anonymous
10/18/2011 21:44
Subject: Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness
Anonymous wrote:I really feel bad for you. You are making me sad, so I can just imagine how you are feeling. This town can be a really hard place to meet people. I also disagree with posters that are advising you to have a bunch of kids. Children are not caulk we use to fill gaps in our hearts.
Where do you live?
You know wives like you are very much like military wives whos DHs get deployed. You might want to see if you can find some even locally based military focused mesage boards much like this, as those women might be a bit kinder than ones on here andmight be able to give more useful support. Are you in DC? I presume considering all the hospitals there.
Just like service memers, I do have to thank you for the sacrifice your and your DH make for the rest of us. Thank god for doctors, someone has to do it!
OP here. Thank you for the kind words. I really appreciate it! I'm in NoVA burbs.
I feel sad a lot of the time, and it's because of this loneliness. I wish I could make more friends here, friends who would be willing to hang out more frequently (or at least make more friends so I could have more people to hang out with) but it has been very difficult. We moved here not knowing a single person so we didn't have anyone to introduce us to anyone. I tried therapy for a few months this past year to work on the feelings of loneliness but it was completely unhelpful so after four months I quit. I was hoping to learn coping techniques for dealing with the loneliness. So far keeping busy hasn't really helped, because what I long for is connection--with DH, with female friends, with family.