Anonymous
10/03/2011 21:24
Subject: Feel like the walls are closing in quickly
OP, bigs hugs to you. As the parent of a chronically ill child with marriage issues, I feel for you. I think you need to find a way to Find joy and focus on it. Just a minute or two a day.
Yeah and to the posters who say you are making excuses, find some compassion.
Yeah and to the posters who say you are making excuses, find some compassion.
Anonymous
10/03/2011 21:16
Subject: Feel like the walls are closing in quickly
And OP, please continue to reach out, even if it's just here.
Anonymous
10/03/2011 21:14
Subject: Feel like the walls are closing in quickly
Guys, read the original post. She is in therapy and she has tried meds.
OP, I think you need to give meds another try. Go see a psychiatrist and see if s/he can help find something that will work for you. You will not be able to attack these other problems until you can deal with your own depression.
OP, I think you need to give meds another try. Go see a psychiatrist and see if s/he can help find something that will work for you. You will not be able to attack these other problems until you can deal with your own depression.
Anonymous
10/03/2011 21:11
Subject: Re:Feel like the walls are closing in quickly
If you can -take a day off from work - a day your son goes to school - and just let yourself fall apart.
I had a horrible summer - there were health issues with my dad, my husband, and my son and I was in danger of losing my job. Friends kept telling me it was important to take care of myself, but no one could explain just HOW was I suppose to do that given every single minute was taken up by caring for someone or trying to do my job. Finally, my co-worker told me that she could tell I was getting to the edge and - to hell with my job - I had to take a day off for me or it was all going to fall apart. And that letting go and crying is actually good for stress relief. So I did. I took the day off, I just let myself rest and mope and then I pulled myself back up again. Its not like I felt 100 percent better, but I was at least able to get my head above water.
It sucks when you are under water and can't get up. You said you have one friend you can count on - just not much. Figure out if there is something you can ask of that friend that will help. Maybe its a night out. Or maybe it is to just talk on the phone and give you some suggestions on how to get through this. Sometimes it just helps to have someone just listen. In my case, it helped just to have somone acknowledge my life sucked.
Good luck to you.
I had a horrible summer - there were health issues with my dad, my husband, and my son and I was in danger of losing my job. Friends kept telling me it was important to take care of myself, but no one could explain just HOW was I suppose to do that given every single minute was taken up by caring for someone or trying to do my job. Finally, my co-worker told me that she could tell I was getting to the edge and - to hell with my job - I had to take a day off for me or it was all going to fall apart. And that letting go and crying is actually good for stress relief. So I did. I took the day off, I just let myself rest and mope and then I pulled myself back up again. Its not like I felt 100 percent better, but I was at least able to get my head above water.
It sucks when you are under water and can't get up. You said you have one friend you can count on - just not much. Figure out if there is something you can ask of that friend that will help. Maybe its a night out. Or maybe it is to just talk on the phone and give you some suggestions on how to get through this. Sometimes it just helps to have someone just listen. In my case, it helped just to have somone acknowledge my life sucked.
Good luck to you.
Anonymous
10/03/2011 20:59
Subject: Re:Feel like the walls are closing in quickly
OP, how big an issue is money here? Hypothetically speaking, if you had gotten part of the inheritance from your father, do you imagine you would have then divorced your husband? I agree with the posters who say that you need to think about what you CAN do, not about what you can't. So if money is a big issue here (and it sounds like, at least in terms of the potential to divorce, you believe it is), I would start thinking about how to make more of it. You have a part-time retail job right now, is that right? I can't imagine that pays very much. Is there something else you can do to bring in more income?
I know you are very very beaten down right now, and it may feel that no change is possible. That it's just too hard or not feasible. But I'd try to break down each of the issues here into smaller pieces, and think about those pieces and what you can do to change them. Ie. I really want a divorce, what can I do to make myself feel that getting one is a doable option? Just to take one example.
Several people have suggested therapy. Have you considered therapy or met with a therapist? I think this would be a great step as well.
I know you are very very beaten down right now, and it may feel that no change is possible. That it's just too hard or not feasible. But I'd try to break down each of the issues here into smaller pieces, and think about those pieces and what you can do to change them. Ie. I really want a divorce, what can I do to make myself feel that getting one is a doable option? Just to take one example.
Several people have suggested therapy. Have you considered therapy or met with a therapist? I think this would be a great step as well.
Anonymous
10/03/2011 20:56
Subject: Feel like the walls are closing in quickly
I'm sorry for your pain...if the retail job sucks, maybe it's time for a change; we're nearly in November and hiring should pick up for the holiday
you can't change your hubby, you can't necessarily change your son, but it might still be better to change the stress of your current living situation for a different and more manageable stress....
you can't change your hubby, you can't necessarily change your son, but it might still be better to change the stress of your current living situation for a different and more manageable stress....
Anonymous
10/03/2011 20:46
Subject: Feel like the walls are closing in quickly
OP, I know what you mean. I have a child with a very rare auto immune disorder. Only a few thousand kids in the world suffer from this. The doctors, expenses, tests, and stress is practically unbearable. To have a child who is a real life Mystery Diagnosis is horrible and to watch them in physical pain with n ability to provide relief when their body is attacking itself is something most posters here cannot begin to comprehend. Most parents end up divorced and MANY living in or on the edge of poverty. There is such thing as hell on earth.
Anonymous
10/03/2011 20:10
Subject: Feel like the walls are closing in quickly
Anonymous wrote:13:15
It is a long story. It's not that we missed the issues, it's that until he started puberty a year ago, the issues he had were much more mild and easily misdiagnosed as allergies and other things when we took him to various doctors. We always knew he had learning disabilities, which we addressed from early on with special ed, tutoring, etc. but a year ago August all of our lives forever changed with the onset of a myriad of symptoms that came on almost overnight.
I understand you all feel I'm giving "excuses" here, but I have to strongly disagree. There is something called reality and the realities are that there is a limit to what I'm able to handle right now financially and emotionally. Sure, maybe I'll win the lottery tomorrow, but aside from that, what is is.
The past year since my son's symptoms came on I have spent hundreds of hours reading, researching, going from doctor to doctor to doctor, dealing with his school, researching and finding a new school, joining online support groups, and basically not doing much else aside from work and trying to help my son 24/7. It has been a year that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy, and yes, of course things could always be worse and I am grateful they are not.
Does he have PANDAS?
Anonymous
10/03/2011 18:59
Subject: Feel like the walls are closing in quickly
OP, I had a SN student whose mother brought her to class on her back piggy back ride style by bus because they could not afford a wheelchair. That woman had no options. Her husband chested on her and threw her and the child's stuff out of "his" house when his girlfriend wanted to move in.
You do have options. They migt not look appealing but you do have options.
You do have options. They migt not look appealing but you do have options.
Anonymous
10/03/2011 17:19
Subject: Feel like the walls are closing in quickly
OP - also, even those of us who are saying to atop the excuses absolutely acknowledge that you have been dealt a particularly shitty hand lately. Know that - we're not saying it's not appropriate to complain or that there are people worse off than you so stop whining. It sounds like you have a ton on your plate and possible depression.
How long ago was your husband's affair? How is he as a partner now? Did you two attempt to reconcile? How do you interact? Does he assist with your son?
Also, obviously we don't know the details since you're not sharing, but it might help to think about your estranged father's money just like you would think about anyone who died and gave relatives money. Man, I wish that was my money! But it isn't. Obviously it would have been nice if your father had realized the error of his ways at the end, but he didn't. And that's that. Never was your money to wish you had. So no sense even thinking abit it.
How long ago was your husband's affair? How is he as a partner now? Did you two attempt to reconcile? How do you interact? Does he assist with your son?
Also, obviously we don't know the details since you're not sharing, but it might help to think about your estranged father's money just like you would think about anyone who died and gave relatives money. Man, I wish that was my money! But it isn't. Obviously it would have been nice if your father had realized the error of his ways at the end, but he didn't. And that's that. Never was your money to wish you had. So no sense even thinking abit it.
Anonymous
10/03/2011 17:10
Subject: Feel like the walls are closing in quickly
Anonymous wrote:It is always a mistake to expect happiness in this world. If you just don't expect it, you won't be so disappointed when you don't get any. Remember the pain Jesus suffered as he died on the cross. He knows your pain and knows you can take it. Find solace is prayer and don't expect anything more.
(Also, can you list on this thread things that give you pleasure (not happiness)? rainbows? a fresh breeze? Ice cream?)
PP, stop it right now!
OP, yes, I agree, prayer works miracles but I do not believe that God believes you endure all of this with a smile on your face like some Christian martyr. It sounds as though you are clinically depressed and you should see a dr. and get some help. There is no shame in taking anti-depressants. Even if you are taking one now, maybe you need a different one. Also, get a good physical examination and make sure you are healthy. I know in my own life there were periods when everything seemed to piling up on me and I finally realized that I was expecting bad things and I had become so negative. I made myself start looking for good things and whenever a negative thought came to mind, I just told myself that negativity was no longer acceptable. It is true that thoughts are things. Find someone you can talk to, someone objective, and just know that there is a way out of this morass. Take life one moment at a time and take lots of deep breaths.
God bless and take care of yourself. Cyber hugs to you.
Anonymous
10/03/2011 17:02
Subject: Feel like the walls are closing in quickly
Either you keep living the shitty life you believe you have, or you change it. No one, I mean NO ONE, is going to change anything for you. No one cares, and I do not mean that in a harsh way. It is the reality.
So you can either change your circumstances, or change how you perceive your circumstances.
So you can either change your circumstances, or change how you perceive your circumstances.
Anonymous
10/03/2011 16:49
Subject: Feel like the walls are closing in quickly
OP, it really does sound like you're in an awfully bad place, but I do get what other posters are saying about excuses. Every time someone has given you an suggestion, you immediately knock it down with why it can't happen. Now I'll give you that it's not just as easy as getting a divorce, moving out and finding a support group. But at least there are things in there you might try, at least part way. It sounds like you feel like the world keeps shitting on you and you've just given up hope. You are at the very bottom and no one is going to reach in and drag you up. You have to start that climb yourself. One step at a time. So maybe serving your husband with divorce papers tomorrow isn't the answer. But is there something you can do now so that you CAN divorce him in a year? I hear that you have a job, enough money to pay for therapy and a $2,500 mortgage. That's more than a lot of people have on the financial front. Obviously simplifying but you could definitely find an apartment for half that if you left your husband.
I guess I'm just saying - stop telling us what you can't do and tell us what little step you can make toward our suggestions. If you're not willing to do that, then no one can help.
I guess I'm just saying - stop telling us what you can't do and tell us what little step you can make toward our suggestions. If you're not willing to do that, then no one can help.
Anonymous
10/03/2011 16:31
Subject: Feel like the walls are closing in quickly
13:15
It is a long story. It's not that we missed the issues, it's that until he started puberty a year ago, the issues he had were much more mild and easily misdiagnosed as allergies and other things when we took him to various doctors. We always knew he had learning disabilities, which we addressed from early on with special ed, tutoring, etc. but a year ago August all of our lives forever changed with the onset of a myriad of symptoms that came on almost overnight.
I understand you all feel I'm giving "excuses" here, but I have to strongly disagree. There is something called reality and the realities are that there is a limit to what I'm able to handle right now financially and emotionally. Sure, maybe I'll win the lottery tomorrow, but aside from that, what is is.
The past year since my son's symptoms came on I have spent hundreds of hours reading, researching, going from doctor to doctor to doctor, dealing with his school, researching and finding a new school, joining online support groups, and basically not doing much else aside from work and trying to help my son 24/7. It has been a year that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy, and yes, of course things could always be worse and I am grateful they are not.
It is a long story. It's not that we missed the issues, it's that until he started puberty a year ago, the issues he had were much more mild and easily misdiagnosed as allergies and other things when we took him to various doctors. We always knew he had learning disabilities, which we addressed from early on with special ed, tutoring, etc. but a year ago August all of our lives forever changed with the onset of a myriad of symptoms that came on almost overnight.
I understand you all feel I'm giving "excuses" here, but I have to strongly disagree. There is something called reality and the realities are that there is a limit to what I'm able to handle right now financially and emotionally. Sure, maybe I'll win the lottery tomorrow, but aside from that, what is is.
The past year since my son's symptoms came on I have spent hundreds of hours reading, researching, going from doctor to doctor to doctor, dealing with his school, researching and finding a new school, joining online support groups, and basically not doing much else aside from work and trying to help my son 24/7. It has been a year that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy, and yes, of course things could always be worse and I am grateful they are not.
Anonymous
10/03/2011 13:16
Subject: Feel like the walls are closing in quickly
Echo what PPs are saying. Even if you think the excuses are valid (and no one here can really say whether they are or aren't), they aren't helping you get to where you need to be. Just let them go. You will feel more peaceful when you are able to.