I have three year old twins and a seven year old. When my 7 year old is whining, obstructing, being difficult, I will say to him "Will, you are supposed to be helping me. Do I have three year old triplets??" This makes him laugh and sometimes act more maturely.

A child that reaches elementary school age should not be whining and crying over small things/nothing.

I believe there should be an age-appropriate reaction for the injustice/hurt, etc.

My firstborn son had a tendency to over-react. If he got a minor scrape- it was rolling on the ground crying and screaming. If he didn't get his way- it could be the same. He was overly sensitive and if a kid said something nasty to him it would also cause a prolonged session. We worked with him to control these tendencies as he grew. We had less tolerance for it with each passing year and he expected more from him. By 5, he was soooo much better. He was more confident and less likely to have an outburst.

Now at 6- he rarely (if ever) acts like this. I have done the 'get back up and shake it off" thing and it is working wonders. We have told him that if it is a legitimate injury it is okay to cry-- BUT we don't lay on the ground and cry if the other team scores a goal or we don't get to play dad's iPad. The phrase 'don't act like a baby' snaps him out of it instantly. He now will shake his head in disgust when he sees another kid his age or older acting like a used to and he'll turn to me and say "they are crying over nothing".

He knows little kids don't have the capacity to control their emotions like 'big kids'. He has a three year old little brother.

By the time a child reaches Kindergarten, if you haven't gotten them to start acting age-appropriate they are going to get teased, be a problem in the classroom, etc.

I

I don't think "scarring them for life" is the point. Of course you won't. But one can be very firm and strict without resorting to name-calling. I think it is a question of modeling appropriate behavior and creating an atmosphere of respect.

This. It is possible to have rules, structure, expectations, and discipline that allow you to address a behavior that you want to stop, without calling your child names. I will admit that, just like every other person on the planet, my kid has acted like a jerk on occasion. Do tell him he's a jerk? No, because I don't think he is. I think he's a child who made a wrong choice and I want him to behave better the next time. It doesn't mean I don't discipline or that I sugarcoat everything and spend hours discussing our feelings about every little thing, but I address the behavior rather than using a personal insult.

When you call a child names, it is hard to take it back. They remember it and internalize it. "I don't like the way you're behaving" is something they can use - they can change the behavior, say they're sorry, etc. "You are a cry-baby" is telling them that's who they are. My kids are not allowed to call each other or other children names, so why should I be allowed to do it to them?

I totally have, but for very specific reasons. Our daughter was VERY attached to her pacifier, so we did start telling her that pacis were for babies at about 2, and started pointing out that all the kids we saw that had pacis were infants, and that big kids didn't have them. I think it helped. We're also trying to potty-train by explaining that now that she's no longer a baby, she needs to use the potty all the time and not diapers.

I don't usually tell her she's acting like a baby otherwise, though. Usually when she cries it's during a very terrible 2's tantrum.

Decided that in an older child -- certainly 3.5 and above -- that whining to get what you want is a behavior that needs to be extinguished. So I tell him to stop it. I am not afraid of my child's feelings or displeasure. I think that's the actual driver behind a lot of these pop-up therapy sessions and mirrorIng of every. Feeling

I am not insecure or unsure as to who is in charge of the house yet I have d

My kids are not usually big whiners -- whining for cookies/toys just doesn't happen too much, because they just know it doesn't work. But my 5 year old son has recently taken to what I would call, "excessive fussing". It's always caused by something legit (although usually small) -- his brother pushed him or took a toy, or something not nice. He will scream "Jack! JACK! JACCKKKKKK!!! STOPPPPPP!" While I usually can go and correct "Jack's" behavior ("Jack, give him back the toy please.") the wailing persists -- sometimes for 5 minutes (which seems really incessant to me). He's not injured. He has his toy. So c'mon... get over it please!

I just don't like the "don't act like a baby" statement. I agree with the others that it rubs me the wrong way, as it seems belittling and a bit too close to name calling. But I have said, "Andrew -- you need to get a hold of yourself -- that is just too much fussing." When it persists (and sometimes it does), I have gone so far as to say, "Listen Andrew, Jack took your toy, but now your have it back, and the noise and fussing really is excessive. I don't want to listen to it anymore. If you're that upset, go up to your room and cry if you want to -- and come back down when you feel better."

I say this in a gentle but firm tone -- because I don't want him to feel like I'm "punishing" him for crying... but at the same time, ay yai yai... the noise!

I'm curious as to what others think of this? Am I being too harsh? Too soft? Quite honestly, I haven't seen a whole lot of improvement in the behavior... so I'm hoping its a "phase"... For him, a lot of it seems to come from a strong sense of "justice". He has this inate understanding of what is fair and what isn't (I understand this because I was exactly like him as a child). But it makes him prone to expecting life to mirror his principles too often -- when we all know "life isn't fair". I wish I could find a way to make him a bit more resistant/understanding to life's little inequities.

I'm the last person to want to teach my sons to be "macho men who don't cry" -- but I also recognize that kids (especially boys) who are labelled "babies" by their peers can have a tough road to hoe.

I find it to be a tough line to walk.

"Baby I can't understand you when you talk that way."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I've never really liked "don't whine" or "no whining" -- it's like "stop crying." Have you ever been upset and crying, and someone tells you to "stop crying"? It does not work,

baloney. It works. Whining that you want a cookie NOW is entirely different motivation than bawling because you fell off the swing.

I agree with poster that if a child is genuinely upset (and OP says her daughter was tired, late in day) and can't keep it together, it's OK to cry to express frustration, anger, etc. Don't ADULTS do this too? It's a normal healthy reaction to feeling upset. I would not call your DD a "baby" for these kinds of things.

I would say there is a difference with the "mock cry"/tantrum that is designed to get their way, like in a grocery store when you don't give in. In this case, I would expres sympathy "It is frustrating. You feel frustrated" and then ignore, but I could see telling a kid "I can't understand you right now. Please use your big girl voice so we can hear you."

Agreed. I would have thought this was nonsense before actually having children (The "you feel frustrated" thing) but DH and I were shocked that it actually works-- a million times better than "stop being a baby", which just escalates things-- and ultimately, since we KNOW we are in charge of the house and aren't so insecure about our power that we need to belittle our children to make it clear, we just do what WORKS. Let me tell you, it is totally bizarre to me that saying to my toddler "You REALLY want some candy RIGHT NOW. Wouldn't it be fun if we could just sit down right here in the aisle and eat every single piece of candy we see?" would make here stop crying and declare "Yeah!" And it helps her learn that sometimes I, too, want to do things but have to tell myself I can't-- just like now that I'm a parent I understand that there were surely times when my mom wanted to yell, "Just be quiet and stop being such a brat!" but she never did.

Anonymous wrote:

I've never really liked "don't whine" or "no whining" -- it's like "stop crying." Have you ever been upset and crying, and someone tells you to "stop crying"? It does not work,

baloney. It works. Whining that you want a cookie NOW is entirely different motivation than bawling because you fell off the swing.

I agree with poster that if a child is genuinely upset (and OP says her daughter was tired, late in day) and can't keep it together, it's OK to cry to express frustration, anger, etc. Don't ADULTS do this too? It's a normal healthy reaction to feeling upset. I would not call your DD a "baby" for these kinds of things.

I would say there is a difference with the "mock cry"/tantrum that is designed to get their way, like in a grocery store when you don't give in. In this case, I would expres sympathy "It is frustrating. You feel frustrated" and then ignore, but I could see telling a kid "I can't understand you right now. Please use your big girl voice so we can hear you."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are we really worried about insulting our 3-5 year old's by calling them a baby? They are going to hear far worse from peers, and we really need to stop coddling our children. Whining is what 2 year old's do before they can better communicate, so if an older child is whining, they are exhibiting "baby" behavior.

Honestly do you think your child will be scarred for life because you told them a handful of times they were acting like a baby? I highly doubt it.

I don't think "scarring them for life" is the point. Of course you won't. But one can be very firm and strict without resorting to name-calling. I think it is a question of modeling appropriate behavior and creating an atmosphere of respect.

Thank you.

Brava, 8:28 and 9:10!