Anonymous wrote:OP again...I readily admit I am absolutely incapable of being rude or stern or abrupt. I just freeze. My husband is always on my case about this, in many contexts. I wish I were different, but after years and years of trying, I just can't find a backbone. Also, I look very young, so I think that makes it even harder for me to be taken seriously.

I admire all you DC people who are so self-assured, but what strategies can you offer a meek Midwestern girl? I like the sunglasses at all hours thing. Sometimes I wear a scarf over my hair--that also seems to keep people away, somehow.

It's not being rude, stern or abrupt to ignore and walk away from someone who is harassing you. And that's what he was doing- harassing you. He was probably getting off on the fact that he was making you uncomfortable. If you don't feel like you can say anything "rude" to him or someone like him in the future, just get up and move. Your comfort and your safety are paramount to your manners!

Anonymous wrote:OP again...I readily admit I am absolutely incapable of being rude or stern or abrupt. I just freeze. My husband is always on my case about this, in many contexts. I wish I were different, but after years and years of trying, I just can't find a backbone. Also, I look very young, so I think that makes it even harder for me to be taken seriously.

I admire all you DC people who are so self-assured, but what strategies can you offer a meek Midwestern girl? I like the sunglasses at all hours thing. Sometimes I wear a scarf over my hair--that also seems to keep people away, somehow.

You have to decide to stand up and not tolerate that kind of behavior. Find your inner mama bear, if needed.

This is how pregnant women end up missing, abducted, and murdered. He now knows what stop this woman gets off on. He may have been casing the trains for someone.

I'd report him to the station or metro police just in case. He sounds creepy and if OP's radar went off which means something was wrong.

Gift of Fear, my friends. GIFT OF FEAR.

There are definitely some creeps that use the metro as their "hunting ground", for lack of a better term.

I shared a while ago about how a guy sat next to me on the metro and several stops later began taking over my personal space which invetibly led to pinning me against the side of the railcar and rubbing my boobs with his elbow. I kept covering myself with my arm, trying to shift away, etc. He finally gave up several stops later when I roughly shoved him off. Like you, I look young, I don't like to mean or look like a bitch, and I froze. Hopefully if something like that happens again I won't freeze next time.

Anonymous wrote:OP again...I readily admit I am absolutely incapable of being rude or stern or abrupt. I just freeze. My husband is always on my case about this, in many contexts. I wish I were different, but after years and years of trying, I just can't find a backbone. Also, I look very young, so I think that makes it even harder for me to be taken seriously.

I admire all you DC people who are so self-assured, but what strategies can you offer a meek Midwestern girl? I like the sunglasses at all hours thing. Sometimes I wear a scarf over my hair--that also seems to keep people away, somehow.

If your daughter has to undergo the same experience, what would you teach her? Your children learn by modeling you. If you want your DD to act as you do, then don't change. If you think you should have acted differently, then start acting differently.

Anonymous wrote:
No sounds like this: "Sir, step back and leave me alone NOW. I said NO. Either back off or I call the police." Say it so the people three stations down the line can hear you.

I heard about a woman who said really loudly, "Too close, too close!" and got up from her seat after a guy sat down next to her. It was a crowded train during the day? He thought she was racist (she was white and he was black) and punched her in the face and no one did anything.

I had a guy sit down next to me once in an otherwise completely empty car. He pulled a tattered magazine cut-out of a barbie doll from his pocket and said "isn't she beautiful? you know who she looks like? JonBenet Ramsey....." I practically pole-vaulted over him at the next stop and ran all the way up the escalator, then waited for 2 trains to go by before finally getting back on. Freaked me the fuck out.

OP again...I readily admit I am absolutely incapable of being rude or stern or abrupt. I just freeze. My husband is always on my case about this, in many contexts. I wish I were different, but after years and years of trying, I just can't find a backbone. Also, I look very young, so I think that makes it even harder for me to be taken seriously.

I admire all you DC people who are so self-assured, but what strategies can you offer a meek Midwestern girl? I like the sunglasses at all hours thing. Sometimes I wear a scarf over my hair--that also seems to keep people away, somehow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At all times:

Sunglasses

Ipod

Book


It's not that difficult. Cardinal rule: do not engage.

Book is good. Ipod invites theft. Sunglasses seems strange on the metro especially at night.

Perfect, no one will mess with the stranger woman with glasses. Seems like a good idea to me.

I'm 20:45 and this has worked for me. Too many weird incidents before I adopted this "strategy." Having a man pull it out and start masturbating in front of me was the last straw. I don't care if the glasses look weird. Also, my earbuds aren't white, and no one wants my cheap ass fake Ipod.

Another tip: ride in the middle car, usually the one with the most people and normal people. Or ride in the first car near the driver if there aren't many other people around. Avoid the last car.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be rude next time someone makes you uncomfortable. Get up and walk away, tell them harshly to leave you alone, make a scene if they persist.

This should be common sense and I am not sure why OP even continued engaging with the guy.

Sometimes when someone is nuts the best thing to do is humor them. Who knows? If she had been rude, the guy could have gotten nasty. It's not always as simple as you are trying to make it and it's important to follow your gut. Women tend to be good at reading emotional subtext and this guy was clearly bloody crazy. Rejection might have set him off.

OP - the advice about the earbuds is great. They help a lot. Also, next time, get off at the next stop and just take a different train. Don't ride with a nutter until you're home.

Anonymous wrote:OP here...I did learn a hard lesson about being friendly, that's for sure!

But i was wondering...does this ever work for these guys? Ever? If not, why do they keep trying? Is part of the fun asking these questions? I don't get it.

I think the breaking of social rules and the reaction are part of the motivation.

Why does this happen to you all the time? You refuse to say no.

Talking about your husband is not saying no. Acting like you don't understand what the creep is asking/doing is not saying no. Staying in your seat until your stop arrives is not saying no. Running away from a creep at McDonalds is not saying no.

No sounds like this: "Sir, step back and leave me alone NOW. I said NO. Either back off or I call the police." Say it so the people three stations down the line can hear you.

As it is, you're more interested in being polite than being safe. So you attract creeps who know just how to push, push, push -- they're testing you to see just how far they can get and they're not going to stop unless the situation changes because right now your behavior is giving them tacit permission to keep going. You, my friend, are damn lucky you haven't been assaulted.

Everyone always rolls their eyes whenever "The Gift of Fear" is recommended, but in this case I think it would be well worth your time. I also highly recommend some RAD training through your local police department. It's the most (literally) kick-ass self-defense course I've ever taken and absolutely amazing in terms of both skills and empowerment.

http://www.rad-systems.com/programs.html

When a creep approaches me, I just start stuttering, twitching my head and drooling. That pretty much scares them away.

OP, I realize you were trying to be polite, but when people make such inappropriate comments it's a huge red flag-- and it started with his first comment about the hair. You are under NO obligation to reply to a comment like that. I certainly wouldn't have continued chatting him up when he came and sat next to me (!). At that point, get up, walk toward a door, and switch cars at the next stop.

I also suggest you read the book The Gift of Fear.