Anonymous
09/22/2011 07:40
Subject: Changing the name of an internationally adoped child
It takes a lot to leave everything behind and start a new life as someone else with a different name, language and family etc etc
Most kids who move around like that feel very very homesick and actually need to grieve
They have left a lot behind them
Most kids who move around like that feel very very homesick and actually need to grieve
They have left a lot behind them
Anonymous
09/22/2011 01:48
Subject: Changing the name of an internationally adoped child
Anonymous wrote:You people are so judgmental...
Changing a child's name is common practice in international adoption... whether it's an infant or a 7-year-old, it doesn't make a difference.
Americanization... happens. The child is no longer in his birth country, he can no longer speak his native tongue, he lives in a world of different smells, food, clothes, customs, sometimes even religion... so the name change, in that context, is but one small thing on the top of everything else. How parents approach it is key to how the child takes it.
From a parent's perspective, changing the child's name is an additional way to bond with him or her. It's not about love being conditional; it's about the human process of bonding with a child who did not come out of one's womb and who lived in another part of the world for 7 years.
And the name change is always a very exciting part of adoption, as it marks one's "claiming" by a family. For the child it's like a rite of passage...
"Let her decide whether she wants to change her name" seems to be a recurrent idea. HELLO?! She's 7 YEARS-OLD. Of course she will have an opinion, but chances are high that she will either 1- accept to please her parents; 2- refuse because she is overwhelmed by changes or 3- have an unreasonable idea.
So by all means, if you want to change your child's name, do it.
I am speaking from personal experience. I am adoption an older girl from Ethiopia and intend on taking the same approach.
What you and OP's neighbors are doing for these kids requires a great sacrifice, one I am probably not capable of, so I am reluctant to judge. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, and you are doing what you feel is best. Personally it is not the name change that gives me pause but rather the father's statement that in a few months "no one will know" and what it signifies of his intentions with regards to her language and culture. From a purely practical standpoint, this family is living in an area with a large Russian population. I hear Russian spoken on the street on an almost daily basis. Of course the child will have to immerse herself in her new language and culture, but that is always a painful process, and to deprive her of the ability to use her native tongue altogether, to pretend that it is not an option, when that is so clearly not the case, seems cruel. Perhaps even more importantly, by erasing this part of the child's identity, the parents are also depriving themselves of a support network for when problems arise (as they almost inevitably will), be it in the initial stages of learning to communicate with the girl, or years down the road.
Anonymous
09/22/2011 00:53
Subject: Changing the name of an internationally adoped child
You people are so judgmental...
Changing a child's name is common practice in international adoption... whether it's an infant or a 7-year-old, it doesn't make a difference.
Americanization... happens. The child is no longer in his birth country, he can no longer speak his native tongue, he lives in a world of different smells, food, clothes, customs, sometimes even religion... so the name change, in that context, is but one small thing on the top of everything else. How parents approach it is key to how the child takes it.
From a parent's perspective, changing the child's name is an additional way to bond with him or her. It's not about love being conditional; it's about the human process of bonding with a child who did not come out of one's womb and who lived in another part of the world for 7 years.
And the name change is always a very exciting part of adoption, as it marks one's "claiming" by a family. For the child it's like a rite of passage...
"Let her decide whether she wants to change her name" seems to be a recurrent idea. HELLO?! She's 7 YEARS-OLD. Of course she will have an opinion, but chances are high that she will either 1- accept to please her parents; 2- refuse because she is overwhelmed by changes or 3- have an unreasonable idea.
So by all means, if you want to change your child's name, do it.
I am speaking from personal experience. I am adoption an older girl from Ethiopia and intend on taking the same approach.
Changing a child's name is common practice in international adoption... whether it's an infant or a 7-year-old, it doesn't make a difference.
Americanization... happens. The child is no longer in his birth country, he can no longer speak his native tongue, he lives in a world of different smells, food, clothes, customs, sometimes even religion... so the name change, in that context, is but one small thing on the top of everything else. How parents approach it is key to how the child takes it.
From a parent's perspective, changing the child's name is an additional way to bond with him or her. It's not about love being conditional; it's about the human process of bonding with a child who did not come out of one's womb and who lived in another part of the world for 7 years.
And the name change is always a very exciting part of adoption, as it marks one's "claiming" by a family. For the child it's like a rite of passage...
"Let her decide whether she wants to change her name" seems to be a recurrent idea. HELLO?! She's 7 YEARS-OLD. Of course she will have an opinion, but chances are high that she will either 1- accept to please her parents; 2- refuse because she is overwhelmed by changes or 3- have an unreasonable idea.
So by all means, if you want to change your child's name, do it.
I am speaking from personal experience. I am adoption an older girl from Ethiopia and intend on taking the same approach.
Anonymous
09/21/2011 23:13
Subject: Changing the name of an internationally adoped child
Kind of get the feeling that this is like a situation where she must americanize or else .....
I know one person who was adopted at birth and always felt that her a-mothers love was so conditional
I know one person who was adopted at birth and always felt that her a-mothers love was so conditional
Anonymous
09/21/2011 12:04
Subject: Changing the name of an internationally adoped child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think the dad provided some easy answers for you so you stopped being so nosy.
Easy - yes. Well-thought out -- definitely not. I can tell you that we have gotten questions from our son, adopted as an infant, about why we changed his name. He even once asked, "didn't you like it?" We kept it as a middle name.
This family should not have been approved to adopt internationally, IMO. They don't show any signs of having thought about the issues associated with adopting internationally, especially adopting an older, institutionalized child. I wish them luck - I think they're going to be in for a lot of problems.
He just became a new dad to a child who is older and transitioning to a whole new world essentially ... he doesn't owe anyone a "well thought out" reply.
As far as the name, for all we know or the OP knows, "Oksana" may very well be a default orphanage name that is given to girls and her parents wanted to give her a name - perhaps even one the girl selected herself.
Again, as an adoptive parent who follows these issues in part through contact with adult international adoptees, I have heard that it doesn't matter who gave her the name. The issue is that this is the name she carried for her whole life (or at least most of it). There are real losses and messages associated with changing it. Right now, she may be eager to please her new family, but adoption, while not traumatic by any means, is something that is part of an adoptee's life forever. There is not one way adoptees react to these issues and the issues are there.
Anonymous
09/21/2011 11:56
Subject: Changing the name of an internationally adoped child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think the dad provided some easy answers for you so you stopped being so nosy.
Easy - yes. Well-thought out -- definitely not. I can tell you that we have gotten questions from our son, adopted as an infant, about why we changed his name. He even once asked, "didn't you like it?" We kept it as a middle name.
This family should not have been approved to adopt internationally, IMO. They don't show any signs of having thought about the issues associated with adopting internationally, especially adopting an older, institutionalized child. I wish them luck - I think they're going to be in for a lot of problems.
He just became a new dad to a child who is older and transitioning to a whole new world essentially ... he doesn't owe anyone a "well thought out" reply.
As far as the name, for all we know or the OP knows, "Oksana" may very well be a default orphanage name that is given to girls and her parents wanted to give her a name - perhaps even one the girl selected herself.
Anonymous
09/21/2011 11:48
Subject: Changing the name of an internationally adoped child
Anonymous wrote:11:40 here. I agree that it is a given she will lose her Russian within a year. When I mentioned "activities" I wasn't even thinking about Russian summer camps or language classes. I think that would put an undue burden on the family. They have enough problems trying to integrate this child into their family and teach her English, and now they have to pay for Russian classes, too? As for Russian embassy sponsored events, my first reaction is stay the hell away, although I admit that's just my personal prejudice.
The one thing in particular I was thinking about was this art studio in Gaithersburg. It has a very open, creative atmosphere, something that could be beneficial and therapeutic to all their children during this stressful time. The classes are in English, but the teacher and many of the students are Russian, and it's a good way to meet nice, happy, well-adjusted Russian children and adults, again something both the children and the parents can benefit from.
Actually, research has shown the difficulties that kids have with learning when they rapidly lose their native language before they have command of the second language. It's called subtractive bilingualism. The girl would benefit greatly from keeping up her Russian -- and having Russian-speakers to talk to during her first few months in the US. These parents are going about this all wrong, unfortunately.
Again, listen to what adult international adoptees have to say on this (not that they're monolithic...) -- this girl is not a baby for whom the loss of language/birth culture is abstract (but still very real to a lot of internationally adopted kids who were adopted as infants or very young toddlers). Her losses are going to be very real, even if she's gaining a good family (misguided perhaps, but hopefully they'll be good parents...). International adoption, including life after international adoption, should not be about the parents' desires/comfort, but what's going to be most beneficial to the child.
Anonymous
09/21/2011 11:37
Subject: Changing the name of an internationally adoped child
11:40 here. I agree that it is a given she will lose her Russian within a year. When I mentioned "activities" I wasn't even thinking about Russian summer camps or language classes. I think that would put an undue burden on the family. They have enough problems trying to integrate this child into their family and teach her English, and now they have to pay for Russian classes, too? As for Russian embassy sponsored events, my first reaction is stay the hell away, although I admit that's just my personal prejudice.
The one thing in particular I was thinking about was this art studio in Gaithersburg. It has a very open, creative atmosphere, something that could be beneficial and therapeutic to all their children during this stressful time. The classes are in English, but the teacher and many of the students are Russian, and it's a good way to meet nice, happy, well-adjusted Russian children and adults, again something both the children and the parents can benefit from.
The one thing in particular I was thinking about was this art studio in Gaithersburg. It has a very open, creative atmosphere, something that could be beneficial and therapeutic to all their children during this stressful time. The classes are in English, but the teacher and many of the students are Russian, and it's a good way to meet nice, happy, well-adjusted Russian children and adults, again something both the children and the parents can benefit from.
Anonymous
09/21/2011 10:15
Subject: Changing the name of an internationally adoped child
PP, I think you're getting the Russian girl and the African girl confused. The African girl was raped at 7 and then lived with missionaries for the next 2 years until she was adopted. The girl in OP's post is also 7, but was not raped. Two different girls, two different stories.
Of course I could be totally wrong too.
Of course I could be totally wrong too.
Anonymous
09/21/2011 09:56
Subject: Changing the name of an internationally adoped child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There is a possibility that the girl wants it. A friend of mine adopted a child from Africa (9 yrs old) who asked to change her name, and who wants to be more American.
The girl from Russia may have no positive memories of Russia. It would be wrong of the parents to force a connection she doesn't want.
Or it could really be as PP stated - that the adoptive parents don't want their child to have any ties and to not be different than their other kids.
What would you expect a child to say. This child is adapting to a new language. A new culture. A new country. A new family. She wants to fit in. Is it the best thing in the long run, more than likely not. It is not good to try and erase a child's entire existence and think it just began they day she was adopted. Perhaps it would have been different if the child was adopted as an infant. I still still suggested using the birth name as a middle name. I think your friend should have read the blogs from the adult adoptees on this subject. The majority, who blog, have serious issues regarding the erasure of their past. Just my thoughts.
This girl was raped when she was 7. Spent the last 2 years living with American missionaries. She wants to start life "new". Of course, life here doesn't erase what happened to her. But trying to force a connection with a culture she wants nothing to do with isn't right.
I'm a bit confused - I thought she was just adopted at the age of 7. She was raped just before the adoption while living with the missionaries (meaning she was living with the missionaries since the age of 5)? I agree that you can't force a connection with the culture, certainly just after adoption when she may be wanting to fit in etc., but her name is her name.
Anonymous
09/21/2011 09:49
Subject: Changing the name of an internationally adoped child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think the dad provided some easy answers for you so you stopped being so nosy.
Easy - yes. Well-thought out -- definitely not. I can tell you that we have gotten questions from our son, adopted as an infant, about why we changed his name. He even once asked, "didn't you like it?" We kept it as a middle name.
This family should not have been approved to adopt internationally, IMO. They don't show any signs of having thought about the issues associated with adopting internationally, especially adopting an older, institutionalized child. I wish them luck - I think they're going to be in for a lot of problems.
The varying answers here show that there is no one monolithic way to handle all international adoptions. I was adopted internationally as was my sister. Our parents changed our names. I've never once asked them why or asked if they didn't like it. I know what my name was (not a name my birth parents gave me); I am free to legally change my name back to it, but I don't want to.
I have also adopted a child internationally. We kept her last name as her middle name, but she does have a first name we picked out.
No one knows the intimate details surrounding this child's background. There undoubtedly are lots of things her family is not sharing with you and may have given you an "easy" answer as opposed to having to go into many details about why they changed her name.
FWIW, since she was so much older when adopted, I probably would not have changed her name, but again, there are lots of factors that play into this process.
Anonymous
09/21/2011 09:35
Subject: Changing the name of an internationally adoped child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There is a possibility that the girl wants it. A friend of mine adopted a child from Africa (9 yrs old) who asked to change her name, and who wants to be more American.
The girl from Russia may have no positive memories of Russia. It would be wrong of the parents to force a connection she doesn't want.
Or it could really be as PP stated - that the adoptive parents don't want their child to have any ties and to not be different than their other kids.
What would you expect a child to say. This child is adapting to a new language. A new culture. A new country. A new family. She wants to fit in. Is it the best thing in the long run, more than likely not. It is not good to try and erase a child's entire existence and think it just began they day she was adopted. Perhaps it would have been different if the child was adopted as an infant. I still still suggested using the birth name as a middle name. I think your friend should have read the blogs from the adult adoptees on this subject. The majority, who blog, have serious issues regarding the erasure of their past. Just my thoughts.
This girl was raped when she was 7. Spent the last 2 years living with American missionaries. She wants to start life "new". Of course, life here doesn't erase what happened to her. But trying to force a connection with a culture she wants nothing to do with isn't right.
Anonymous
09/21/2011 09:16
Subject: Changing the name of an internationally adoped child
Anonymous wrote:I think the dad provided some easy answers for you so you stopped being so nosy.
Easy - yes. Well-thought out -- definitely not. I can tell you that we have gotten questions from our son, adopted as an infant, about why we changed his name. He even once asked, "didn't you like it?" We kept it as a middle name.
This family should not have been approved to adopt internationally, IMO. They don't show any signs of having thought about the issues associated with adopting internationally, especially adopting an older, institutionalized child. I wish them luck - I think they're going to be in for a lot of problems.
Anonymous
09/21/2011 08:52
Subject: Changing the name of an internationally adoped child
Naming any child Brittany is just bad.
Anonymous
09/21/2011 08:49
Subject: Re:Changing the name of an internationally adoped child
I object on the basis of name choice alone.
Brittany? Really? Oksanna is so much cooler and easy to pronounce for Americans.
At least go for the easy abbreviation: "Anna."
Brittany? Really? Oksanna is so much cooler and easy to pronounce for Americans.
At least go for the easy abbreviation: "Anna."