Anonymous
08/01/2011 13:39
Subject: Re:Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption
OP may also want to consider moving to a more diverse area. We're a transracial adoptive family living in Arlington and relatively rarely get invasive questions. Wny? Because adoption seems to be quite common around here as a family type. DC's school happens to have a lot of kids whose parents adopted them and that also normalizes the situation on many levels. If you live in an area where an adopted child is "the only one," you're bound to get a lot of intrusive questions.
As someone else suggested, OP may want to find a support group for herself to help her work through some of these issues - she might also consider, if she hasn't already done so, finding other adoptive families of kids from China so that her daughter has peers who experience many of the same things.
Good luck OP!
As someone else suggested, OP may want to find a support group for herself to help her work through some of these issues - she might also consider, if she hasn't already done so, finding other adoptive families of kids from China so that her daughter has peers who experience many of the same things.
Good luck OP!
Anonymous
08/01/2011 13:22
Subject: Re:Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption
Anonymous wrote:A couple thoughts here -- empowering a child to share/not share his/her story is important. There's actually a great program - W.I.S.E Up - put together by the Center for Adoption Education and Support. But by refusing to discuss any details in response to innocent questions (such as "did you adopt your daughter from China?"), you are not empowering her - you're communicating that the fact of adoption is shameful and should not be discussed. We share lots about our adoption journey, while also letting DS know that certain aspects of his story are indeed his, are personal, and can be shared/not be shared as he chooses.Yes, people adopt because they want to be parents, which is a natural motivation. But by adopting transracially, you are doing a lot more than just becoming a parent. You're becoming a visible and transracial family. Attitudes like the OP's show how many homestudies are poorly done - there's a lot to consider in adopting transracially, and it doesn't look like OP did a good job preparing herself.
Adoptee/adoptive parent here. Can you give us some examples of what you feel comfortable sharing about your son?
I think there may be some misunderstanding here over what sort of questions people do or don't respond to. In my personal experience, both regarding myself and my daughter, I've found that seemingly innocent questions quickly turn into very invasive or inappropriate comments. I am happy to share that my daughter was adopted (though I will insert that into conversations when appropriate and of course don't introduce her as my adopted child), but often the other person starts to ask what happened to her "real parents," why she was "given up," and all sorts of other rude questions.
I don't think adoption is shameful at all! I'm proud to be a supporter of adoption and am happy to tell others how it's touched my life and provided me with so many blessings. But discussing adoption can lead to many hurtful comments, like a commentary on whether you should've adopted domestically or internationally, accusations of babystealing or baby buying, etc. It's unclear whether OP is referring to these types of comments or more basic ones.
Sure. We share that we adopted him from the country where he was born. We share how old he was when the adoption was finalized. If asked "why did his mom give him up?" (lots of variations on that question), we will say something like "there are a variety of reasons but in general, most kids adopted from Guatemala are placed for adoption due to severe poverty." With some people, we have shared some information about his biological family (whom we, including DS, have been able to meet).
Because we are open and positive, DS - who in general is very shy - has been able to handle questions about adoption/different types of family very confidently from a young age and has surprised us at times with the sophistication of some of his answers - which sometimes leave a lot of room for different interpretations about his (adoptive) family/biological family -- and which he came up with on his own.
I also strongly believe that "practice makes perfect." The more we have to answer questions as adoptive parents, the better/more precise our answers get. When DS was younger, we sometimes gave answers that we weren't happy with in hindsight. But getting the tough questions enabled us to develop better and privacy-protecting answers, while still being open and matter-of-fact about adoption.
Anonymous
08/01/2011 13:06
Subject: Re:Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I never ask someone about an adoption. That's odd. What if the parents haven't told the child that he/she is adopted yet? But even besides that issue, I think it's odd that people would openly ask.
I agree. I have 3 kids of 3 different races and no one has ever asked me anything unless they were specifically interested in adopting children themselves.
Adult adoptee/adoptive parent here. Wow, I'm impressed/surprised that no one has ever said anything to you. Hopefully this is the way things are moving towards. People have commented to my husband, who as I mentioned earlier, is a different race than our daughter.
I keep wondering if it's because times are changing or if it's because I'm somehow unapproachable. The closest I have ever come to getting an intrusive question is when people have occasionally asked me where my son is from. One person, who is from India, asked me if he is Indian. I just answered "no." There have been a few other times when Latina women asked me if my DD's dad was "Spanish." I also answered no. Maybe I have a look on my face which discourages further questioning but I don't do it on purpose. I try to appear friendly but I don't volunteer information simply because we are usually busy and thinking about other things.
Anonymous
08/01/2011 13:03
Subject: Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption
OP, surely you knew that adopting someone from another race would provoke questions, both kind and compassionate, as well as rude and intrusive.
I would like to say people will just sit there and not say a word, but you must must must gird yourself with a better outlook. Your stance is so rigid and well, unrealistic, that I am afraid YOU are setting up the issue, not strangers.
I would join a group of other parents in the same boat and find out how to make peace with this issue. Your energy, openness, and acceptance of your decisions needs to sit better with you, and you need to get there...quick. Is it tiring to hear the same questions? Surely. But the defensiveness invites more of it...
PLEASE please....you adopted a child who looks different than you....don't sweep it under the rug or get offended. As the PP stated, be proud and brief.
Get support. Your child will suffer for your attitude otherwise.
I would like to say people will just sit there and not say a word, but you must must must gird yourself with a better outlook. Your stance is so rigid and well, unrealistic, that I am afraid YOU are setting up the issue, not strangers.
I would join a group of other parents in the same boat and find out how to make peace with this issue. Your energy, openness, and acceptance of your decisions needs to sit better with you, and you need to get there...quick. Is it tiring to hear the same questions? Surely. But the defensiveness invites more of it...
PLEASE please....you adopted a child who looks different than you....don't sweep it under the rug or get offended. As the PP stated, be proud and brief.
Get support. Your child will suffer for your attitude otherwise.
Anonymous
08/01/2011 12:56
Subject: Re:Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption
A couple thoughts here -- empowering a child to share/not share his/her story is important. There's actually a great program - W.I.S.E Up - put together by the Center for Adoption Education and Support. But by refusing to discuss any details in response to innocent questions (such as "did you adopt your daughter from China?"), you are not empowering her - you're communicating that the fact of adoption is shameful and should not be discussed. We share lots about our adoption journey, while also letting DS know that certain aspects of his story are indeed his, are personal, and can be shared/not be shared as he chooses.Yes, people adopt because they want to be parents, which is a natural motivation. But by adopting transracially, you are doing a lot more than just becoming a parent. You're becoming a visible and transracial family. Attitudes like the OP's show how many homestudies are poorly done - there's a lot to consider in adopting transracially, and it doesn't look like OP did a good job preparing herself.
Adoptee/adoptive parent here. Can you give us some examples of what you feel comfortable sharing about your son?
I think there may be some misunderstanding here over what sort of questions people do or don't respond to. In my personal experience, both regarding myself and my daughter, I've found that seemingly innocent questions quickly turn into very invasive or inappropriate comments. I am happy to share that my daughter was adopted (though I will insert that into conversations when appropriate and of course don't introduce her as my adopted child), but often the other person starts to ask what happened to her "real parents," why she was "given up," and all sorts of other rude questions.
I don't think adoption is shameful at all! I'm proud to be a supporter of adoption and am happy to tell others how it's touched my life and provided me with so many blessings. But discussing adoption can lead to many hurtful comments, like a commentary on whether you should've adopted domestically or internationally, accusations of babystealing or baby buying, etc. It's unclear whether OP is referring to these types of comments or more basic ones.
Anonymous
08/01/2011 12:54
Subject: Re:Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption
Let's say you have a boy of about 10. That boy loves to wear pink and jewelry and stereotypically girl clothes. He acts effeminate, thus he seems different than most other boys. He may or not be gay - and there is no shame in being gay. Let's say he is gay - he recognized it, as have his parents. They embrace it within their family! They have discussed it many times. However, he also is a talented artist and athlete, a fabulous big brother, got all A's in a few subjects, is polite and has a very nice sense of humor, etc. Do you think an adult would ask if he is gay? If so, do his parents need to answer the question if he is standing there (or even if he is not there)? Does he need to answer the question when a new acquaintance (adult or child) asks him if he is gay? If so, how would they answer?
There is nothing wrong with being gay - but it is different from the norm - a curiousity, if you will. How do you think the boy feels that when acquaintences come up to you, the first thing they want to know is if he is gay? Do we have to answer to quell someone's curiosity?
If you think the analogy is not correct, please let me know why. There may be more stigma associated with being gay than with being adopted, but I think the same principles apply.
As for ambassadors, I think being a family and acting like all other families is appropriate. People can get a lot of great information just by observation.
There is nothing wrong with being gay - but it is different from the norm - a curiousity, if you will. How do you think the boy feels that when acquaintences come up to you, the first thing they want to know is if he is gay? Do we have to answer to quell someone's curiosity?
If you think the analogy is not correct, please let me know why. There may be more stigma associated with being gay than with being adopted, but I think the same principles apply.
As for ambassadors, I think being a family and acting like all other families is appropriate. People can get a lot of great information just by observation.
Anonymous
08/01/2011 12:32
Subject: Re:Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption
Anonymous wrote:PP here
Anonymous wrote: I'd be worried that the OP is communicating to her daughter that adoption/her background is something shameful -- it's just another way that families sometimes get formed.
Really??? I thought it was communicating that her business is hers and she doesn't HAVE to explain herself if she doesn't want to... no shame in that.
I adopted because I wanted to be a MOTHER. not an Ambassador... Uh... no thanks.
I'd rather leave that up to the politicians and not burden DC's these tiny little shoulders with something they did NOT sign up for.
Key word here is FILTERING... a child must be empowered to tell his/her own story if and when they so choose and if others do not understand that then too bad.
In the poetic words of Jon Stewart "I am not your monkey".
A couple thoughts here -- empowering a child to share/not share his/her story is important. There's actually a great program - W.I.S.E Up - put together by the Center for Adoption Education and Support. But by refusing to discuss any details in response to innocent questions (such as "did you adopt your daughter from China?"), you are not empowering her - you're communicating that the fact of adoption is shameful and should not be discussed. We share lots about our adoption journey, while also letting DS know that certain aspects of his story are indeed his, are personal, and can be shared/not be shared as he chooses.
Yes, people adopt because they want to be parents, which is a natural motivation. But by adopting transracially, you are doing a lot more than just becoming a parent. You're becoming a visible and transracial family. Attitudes like the OP's show how many homestudies are poorly done - there's a lot to consider in adopting transracially, and it doesn't look like OP did a good job preparing herself.
Anonymous
08/01/2011 12:26
Subject: Re:Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption
Anonymous wrote:PP here
Anonymous wrote: I'd be worried that the OP is communicating to her daughter that adoption/her background is something shameful -- it's just another way that families sometimes get formed.
Really??? I thought it was communicating that her business is hers and she doesn't HAVE to explain herself if she doesn't want to... no shame in that.
I adopted because I wanted to be a MOTHER. not an Ambassador... Uh... no thanks.
I'd rather leave that up to the politicians and not burden DC's these tiny little shoulders with something they did NOT sign up for.
Key word here is FILTERING... a child must be empowered to tell his/her own story if and when they so choose and if others do not understand that then too bad.
In the poetic words of Jon Stewart "I am not your monkey".
It absolutely is her business but you are doing more than just keeping it her business. Kids pick up a lot of things and they sense if their parents are uncomfortable talking about adoption. You communicate shame and discomfort. As I posted previously, there are certainly elements of a child's adoption story that are private but the basic fact of adoption, especially in a transracial context, is not. If you wanted to avoid discussion of adoption, you shouldn't have adopted. Or at least you shouldn't have adopted transracially.
Anonymous
08/01/2011 11:37
Subject: Re:Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption
PP here
Really??? I thought it was communicating that her business is hers and she doesn't HAVE to explain herself if she doesn't want to... no shame in that.
I adopted because I wanted to be a MOTHER. not an Ambassador... Uh... no thanks.
I'd rather leave that up to the politicians and not burden DC's these tiny little shoulders with something they did NOT sign up for.
Key word here is FILTERING... a child must be empowered to tell his/her own story if and when they so choose and if others do not understand that then too bad.
In the poetic words of Jon Stewart "I am not your monkey".
Anonymous wrote: I'd be worried that the OP is communicating to her daughter that adoption/her background is something shameful -- it's just another way that families sometimes get formed.
Really??? I thought it was communicating that her business is hers and she doesn't HAVE to explain herself if she doesn't want to... no shame in that.
I adopted because I wanted to be a MOTHER. not an Ambassador... Uh... no thanks.
I'd rather leave that up to the politicians and not burden DC's these tiny little shoulders with something they did NOT sign up for.
Key word here is FILTERING... a child must be empowered to tell his/her own story if and when they so choose and if others do not understand that then too bad.
In the poetic words of Jon Stewart "I am not your monkey".
Anonymous
08/01/2011 11:11
Subject: Re:Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption
Re adoptee/adoptive parent's question about being "ambassadors," I think that's true. You can approach it as a burden or as something that you're helping dispel misinformation about. We happen to be a same-sex couple with an adopted child and on many levels, we are ambassadors. It helps to have a sense of humor. My own sense of the OP's original post was that she felt rather uptight about her status as a parent through adoption. We do stand out as a family and we choose to be matter of fact about our family, while still respecting the privacy of our child and his story.
Anonymous
08/01/2011 11:07
Subject: Re:Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption
AP to a child adopted from Latin America. I don't see these basic questions as a big deal. "Yes, we adopted DS from X." That information is different than questions about DS
birthfamily/circumstances that led to adoption. DS is very able to handle these questions because we have always been upfront and positive. I'd be worried that the OP is communicating to her daughter that adoption/her background is something shameful -- it's just another way that families sometimes get formed.
birthfamily/circumstances that led to adoption. DS is very able to handle these questions because we have always been upfront and positive. I'd be worried that the OP is communicating to her daughter that adoption/her background is something shameful -- it's just another way that families sometimes get formed.
Anonymous
08/01/2011 11:03
Subject: Re:Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I never ask someone about an adoption. That's odd. What if the parents haven't told the child that he/she is adopted yet? But even besides that issue, I think it's odd that people would openly ask.
I agree. I have 3 kids of 3 different races and no one has ever asked me anything unless they were specifically interested in adopting children themselves.
Adult adoptee/adoptive parent here. Wow, I'm impressed/surprised that no one has ever said anything to you. Hopefully this is the way things are moving towards. People have commented to my husband, who as I mentioned earlier, is a different race than our daughter.
Anonymous
08/01/2011 09:50
Subject: Re:Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption
Anonymous wrote:I never ask someone about an adoption. That's odd. What if the parents haven't told the child that he/she is adopted yet? But even besides that issue, I think it's odd that people would openly ask.
I agree. I have 3 kids of 3 different races and no one has ever asked me anything unless they were specifically interested in adopting children themselves.
Anonymous
08/01/2011 09:37
Subject: Re:Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption
I never ask someone about an adoption. That's odd. What if the parents haven't told the child that he/she is adopted yet? But even besides that issue, I think it's odd that people would openly ask.
Anonymous
08/01/2011 08:42
Subject: Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption
I agree with OP there is no need to explain your child's circumstances to every Tom, Dick or Harry who happens to pass by.
More importantly curtailing and or selectively answering these questions in front of your child reinforces a child's resolve that he/she does not have to explain themselves to strangers. Believe me, adults have had no problems questioning my three year old DC when my back is turned. I want to make it clear as possible that neither DC nor I are under any obligation to answer questions about our family.
So far the politest way has been to ask "Why do you ask?" that usually stops people dead in their tracks and they start backing off and babbling. I don't think they mean any harm but once a mirror is put up to their question they immediately see that is intrusive and a bit rude.
Getting questions from young children is a different story. Clear answers are a must: ie Where is DC father? Answer: We are a small family just the two of us. Look around all families are different some have three girls, others have one boy ect ... this is our family. They get it and go on playing, no need to go into long drawn out explanations... just keep it positive.
It would be wise to brief family and close friends on your talking points because I was shocked how some of them described my family to their kids.
More importantly curtailing and or selectively answering these questions in front of your child reinforces a child's resolve that he/she does not have to explain themselves to strangers. Believe me, adults have had no problems questioning my three year old DC when my back is turned. I want to make it clear as possible that neither DC nor I are under any obligation to answer questions about our family.
So far the politest way has been to ask "Why do you ask?" that usually stops people dead in their tracks and they start backing off and babbling. I don't think they mean any harm but once a mirror is put up to their question they immediately see that is intrusive and a bit rude.
Getting questions from young children is a different story. Clear answers are a must: ie Where is DC father? Answer: We are a small family just the two of us. Look around all families are different some have three girls, others have one boy ect ... this is our family. They get it and go on playing, no need to go into long drawn out explanations... just keep it positive.
It would be wise to brief family and close friends on your talking points because I was shocked how some of them described my family to their kids.