Anonymous wrote:Wow. I grew up parenting my parents because of their disabilities. And my kids are way more mature than other kids - not because I try to make them so - just the opposite. They are just savvy, smart, know how to read people, know how to judge strangers (even adults), know how to communicate to all age groups, and HATE hanging around with boring whiny kids who are clingy and can't think for themselves. I think this is a good thing and has nothing to do with me ignoring them or torturing them. They are street smart by nature. That's a really good thing, trust me.

Headed for trouble.

Anonymous wrote:I think if a child wants to learn/do something, and they are physically capable of doing it, it is bad parenting to tell them, "No. You're too young to help. Go play."

I agree that OP is completely projecting her own issues.

Exactly. This thread is rather ridiculous. My 15 month old loves to help with the dishwasher-- when she sees me loading it she runs into the kitchen, and I give her silverware to place in the bin. (Half the time she ends up taking things OUT, but... ) Then she helps close the door and presses the button to turn it on. She thinks this is the best game ever. Huh, I had no idea I was warping her psyche so much.

The key part of the phrase is that a child is mature FOR HER AGE-- to then jump to the conclusion that it must mean the child is underparented is a pretty big leap of logic.

I think if a child wants to learn/do something, and they are physically capable of doing it, it is bad parenting to tell them, "No. You're too young to help. Go play."

I agree that OP is completely projecting her own issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't buy the theory. I would describe my kids as very mature and independent for their age, but I also describe myself as a borderline helicopter parent. The difference is that I push them to do adult things, but I'm always right there to support them. For example, my almost-3yo daily does big-kid chores like setting the table, putting away laundry, taking out recycling, loading the dishwasher, helping with meals, etc., but for the most part I am right beside him. And my kids regularly play work out disagreements over toys, etc. without my help, but always with me within earshot, so that they can bounce off me for help, or I can step in if things get out of hand. So, while I agree that there are parents who borderline neglect their kids and then congratulate themselves on valuing independence, I think it's both unfair and unwise to tar anyone who values independence with the same brush.

Your 2 yo can load the dishwasher and take out recyclables? Unassisted?

Sometimes helicopter parents have parentified kids too. One of the signs is that kids are pushed to do adult tasks before they are ready. Chores are great but too many responsibilities at a young age are a big red flag.

First PP here. As I said, I am right there, so it is a controled environment (i.e., I load all glass and sharp knives, DS does all the plastic and metal dishes and cutlery, DS is in charge of gathering all recyclables, I carry it to the curb). To the latter PP, I think it's wonderful for kids to have a sense of accomplishment and knowing that they are capable. I am all for free play and relaxation, in fact, my kids switxh days being the designated helper, so if one spends 45 minutes cooking and cleaning with me, not only does that child get time one on one with me and hands-on tasks, the other child gets 45 minutes of uninterupted play without sibling or parent commenting on or interfereing with play. I schedule time in the day for my kids to follow their own interests because I want them to have the freedom of childhood, but I also schedule time working, because I want them to have the confidence and self-esteem of knowing that they have mastered a task. Anyone who has heard a child exclaim with glee, "I did it!" should know that pushing a child to master as much as they can of the world around them doesn't stifle childhood, it gives children the keys to their personal kingdom.

wow, you are really misguided. Yes, its great when a little kids says "I did it!" but you should want them to say that in relation to do things that are appropriate for their age like completeing a hard puzzle or reading their first book or throwing a good pitch. Those are the things to do to build confidence and self-esteem with young kids.

I think you may be reading too much into this. I doubt the poster forces her children to engage in these tasks and punishes them if they don't. It sound silk it is just an organic part of their day. I imagine she is flexible. She sounds a lot like me. My now 4 year old has been helping with cooking and chores since he was very little--because he wanted to. And he has been taking care of silverware from the washer and taking the garbage out with his dad forever!The fact is, I do have to make dinner and some chores have to be done, and it is a good time for us to have one on one and for him to learn some very useful skills. But if he doesn't feel like helping, no big deal.

I imagine that dynamic becomes even more important when there are other children in the family.

OP, or whoever is responding here, you need to recognize you have your own issues and are heavily projecting.

Anonymous wrote:

wow, you are really misguided. Yes, its great when a little kids says "I did it!" but you should want them to say that in relation to do things that are appropriate for their age like completeing a hard puzzle or reading their first book or throwing a good pitch. Those are the things to do to build confidence and self-esteem with young kids.

I don't think it's misguided at all. There's a lot of research that shows kids build self-esteem and connectivity with caregivers better when they are mastering "real" tasks. Sometimes that is play, but kids are very interested in what adults are doing amd including them in those tasks is a great way to bond and a great self-esteem exercise.

For those who object to kids being "forced" to do "adult" things (and my kids love helping around the house because they like being included in the lives of the grownups) at what age is it magically age-appropriate for kids to learn to wash dishes instead of play with a water table? Or prepare real food instead of play with a tea set? I really don't see how it's great parenting to sit and teach my child how to braid Barbie's hair but I'm robbing them of childhood if I teach them how to brush their own hair. As long as the child is having fun, I don't see the harm in letting my kids master skills that will actually be useful. At what age are kids allowed to be productive human beings?

My Mom was completely OCD so whenever I did an adult thing, especially one that involved cleaning (something that she was completely nutso about), I received a lot of praise. I certainly got a lot more praise doing what she wanted than playing with my own toys and I wanted to please so...

Anonymous wrote:I was like you. I believe the psychological term is "parentified." I am very happy that my kids are completely immature and act like kids. But that is usually the case with the children of people like you and me who were forced to act like little adults from a young age and, in my case, to be the the parent of my parents.

Boy, can I identify with this! On the bright side, it only took years of poor decision making, thousands of dollars of therapy and I'm pretty well-adjusted at 40.

23:08 - I think YOU are really misguided. Have you ever heard of Montessori? Young children LOVE to help, so why not teach them and have fun while doing it? To the pp who lets her 2y old help her with the dishwasher and recycling... CONGRATS! I hope to do the same with my DD when she is a little bit older, although I must admit it is hard not to want to do it myself, because frankly, I am much faster. But I agree that is a great learning tool.

Wow. I grew up parenting my parents because of their disabilities. And my kids are way more mature than other kids - not because I try to make them so - just the opposite. They are just savvy, smart, know how to read people, know how to judge strangers (even adults), know how to communicate to all age groups, and HATE hanging around with boring whiny kids who are clingy and can't think for themselves. I think this is a good thing and has nothing to do with me ignoring them or torturing them. They are street smart by nature. That's a really good thing, trust me.

Anonymous wrote:What's the magic age, then? 5? 10? 23?

And what's your definition of "chores?" A big part of my confusion here is that I don't see why kids shouldn't be allowed to help until a designated age, provided they are happy and enjoying it. IMO, 2 is a great time to teach them how to help, because they desperately want to "do it myself." But you feel that's way too young. So what is allowed, in your opinion? Can my child put on his own shoes, or is he too young to do that? How about potty training? Really, shouldn't we wait a while before saddling them with responsibility for their own bowels?

Your kids will grow up and become independent even if at age 3 you don't require them to do what was it - 45 minutes of housework a day on a schedule?

There isn't a magic age and there doesn't need to be. Why do you think you have to manage your child's learning housework and chores at age 3? I mean really, do you think if you don't teach them until they are the age of 5 how to unload the dishwasher that is somehow going to be too late and you will have missed the boat on teaching responsibility?

My children beg to help with chores -- I wish I more often relaxed enough to let them help more.

What's the magic age, then? 5? 10? 23?

And what's your definition of "chores?" A big part of my confusion here is that I don't see why kids shouldn't be allowed to help until a designated age, provided they are happy and enjoying it. IMO, 2 is a great time to teach them how to help, because they desperately want to "do it myself." But you feel that's way too young. So what is allowed, in your opinion? Can my child put on his own shoes, or is he too young to do that? How about potty training? Really, shouldn't we wait a while before saddling them with responsibility for their own bowels?

Anonymous wrote:

wow, you are really misguided. Yes, its great when a little kids says "I did it!" but you should want them to say that in relation to do things that are appropriate for their age like completeing a hard puzzle or reading their first book or throwing a good pitch. Those are the things to do to build confidence and self-esteem with young kids.

I don't think it's misguided at all. There's a lot of research that shows kids build self-esteem and connectivity with caregivers better when they are mastering "real" tasks. Sometimes that is play, but kids are very interested in what adults are doing amd including them in those tasks is a great way to bond and a great self-esteem exercise.

For those who object to kids being "forced" to do "adult" things (and my kids love helping around the house because they like being included in the lives of the grownups) at what age is it magically age-appropriate for kids to learn to wash dishes instead of play with a water table? Or prepare real food instead of play with a tea set? I really don't see how it's great parenting to sit and teach my child how to braid Barbie's hair but I'm robbing them of childhood if I teach them how to brush their own hair. As long as the child is having fun, I don't see the harm in letting my kids master skills that will actually be useful. At what age are kids allowed to be productive human beings?

Didn't you mention your kid was 3?

No, I don't think that's the age where the kid needs to be worried about doing chores at all.

wow, you are really misguided. Yes, its great when a little kids says "I did it!" but you should want them to say that in relation to do things that are appropriate for their age like completeing a hard puzzle or reading their first book or throwing a good pitch. Those are the things to do to build confidence and self-esteem with young kids.

I don't think it's misguided at all. There's a lot of research that shows kids build self-esteem and connectivity with caregivers better when they are mastering "real" tasks. Sometimes that is play, but kids are very interested in what adults are doing amd including them in those tasks is a great way to bond and a great self-esteem exercise.

For those who object to kids being "forced" to do "adult" things (and my kids love helping around the house because they like being included in the lives of the grownups) at what age is it magically age-appropriate for kids to learn to wash dishes instead of play with a water table? Or prepare real food instead of play with a tea set? I really don't see how it's great parenting to sit and teach my child how to braid Barbie's hair but I'm robbing them of childhood if I teach them how to brush their own hair. As long as the child is having fun, I don't see the harm in letting my kids master skills that will actually be useful. At what age are kids allowed to be productive human beings?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't buy the theory. I would describe my kids as very mature and independent for their age, but I also describe myself as a borderline helicopter parent. The difference is that I push them to do adult things, but I'm always right there to support them. For example, my almost-3yo daily does big-kid chores like setting the table, putting away laundry, taking out recycling, loading the dishwasher, helping with meals, etc., but for the most part I am right beside him. And my kids regularly play work out disagreements over toys, etc. without my help, but always with me within earshot, so that they can bounce off me for help, or I can step in if things get out of hand. So, while I agree that there are parents who borderline neglect their kids and then congratulate themselves on valuing independence, I think it's both unfair and unwise to tar anyone who values independence with the same brush.

Your 2 yo can load the dishwasher and take out recyclables? Unassisted?

Sometimes helicopter parents have parentified kids too. One of the signs is that kids are pushed to do adult tasks before they are ready. Chores are great but too many responsibilities at a young age are a big red flag.

First PP here. As I said, I am right there, so it is a controled environment (i.e., I load all glass and sharp knives, DS does all the plastic and metal dishes and cutlery, DS is in charge of gathering all recyclables, I carry it to the curb). To the latter PP, I think it's wonderful for kids to have a sense of accomplishment and knowing that they are capable. I am all for free play and relaxation, in fact, my kids switxh days being the designated helper, so if one spends 45 minutes cooking and cleaning with me, not only does that child get time one on one with me and hands-on tasks, the other child gets 45 minutes of uninterupted play without sibling or parent commenting on or interfereing with play. I schedule time in the day for my kids to follow their own interests because I want them to have the freedom of childhood, but I also schedule time working, because I want them to have the confidence and self-esteem of knowing that they have mastered a task. Anyone who has heard a child exclaim with glee, "I did it!" should know that pushing a child to master as much as they can of the world around them doesn't stifle childhood, it gives children the keys to their personal kingdom.

wow, you are really misguided. Yes, its great when a little kids says "I did it!" but you should want them to say that in relation to do things that are appropriate for their age like completeing a hard puzzle or reading their first book or throwing a good pitch. Those are the things to do to build confidence and self-esteem with young kids.

OP here and its nice to know that others went through the same. And yes, I do tend to overcompensate with my own child but I am ok with that. I knew scores of kids by college who were not like me and they did ok. I think its fine to grow up at 16, 17 and 18 and there is no need to do it at 8, 9, 10...

21:15 - my kid is 6 almost 7 and its becoming a phrase I hear more often amongst parents of my kid's friends.

21:47 - agree...I don't think "mature" is a positive term for young child

21:65 "The difference is that I push them to do adult things," ... why do you feel the need
to push a 3 yr old to do adult things? Do you think when they are an adult they will run out
of years to do them??? Really, there is no need to do that. And there is a difference between
having your kid help with household chores for fun as opposed to expecting the child to actually
take on those tasks themselves on a day to day basis.

21:58 - yes, that's very true so much energy as a child went into having to basically raise myself
that creativity and the like went out the window.

22:39 - I can relate - many movies and books that I was exposed to as a young kid were just so inapproriate.

22:45 - that's terrible, I am sorry that happened to your DH. I was always hypervigilant about adults who wanted
to help me in anyway. Sadly, my mom warned me about adults who would take advantage of kids but she didn't seem to
realize that her actions made me all the more vulnerable to those adults. You are right- when adults find kids where
they know parent involvment is lacking they tend to see them as easy victims.