Anonymous wrote:OP admits DH is underpaying his ex by several hundred dollars a month! OP is asking what the norm is. There is no norm, there's a range of norms, and what DH is doing is pretty common. I know a divorced mother of three and her ex pays all the private school tuition even though her parents are wealthy.

By the way, if DH is paying all the expenses but underpaying child support, he's really not paying all the expenses. Clear?

Why would you go to court? Spend the money on camp for the child, not lawyers!

$1400 a month for one child in Maryland is perfectly reasonable given that is dad's share and mom also has an obligation to support her child and contribute too. It shouldn't take $2800 to raise one child in less you are in a position that you can afford it or choose to spend your money in that way. Just because you know one person who is very demanding with high expectations does not mean its reasonable. And, her parents have no obligation to pay for her child. They are her and the fathers responsibility. Instead of exclusively relying on their father (or her parents) maybe she should step up more.

Anonymous wrote:OP,

You are wrong to use the royal "we," you cannot ask the court to do anything! It's not your child support, it's your husband's, your income doesn't get factored into the calculation or the negotiation.

Also, shame on your for identifying location and age. I'd be pissed if my ex's wife did that!

As for expenses, this is common. My ex pays all my child's extras. I pay some when I can. It depends on circumstances.

This is absolutely not true. My income changed my husband's tax bracket and a few other things so it was looked at when they did his child support (it actually lowered it). I was appalled that they would ask for my income and not her live-in boyfriends at the hearing but it wasn't worth arguing over and in the end it benefitted us.

Child support is supposed to cover all the needs of the child in the custodial parent's home in less otherwise specified in the court order. Dad (with step-mom) have every right to say no and there is a we factor as when you get married, regardless of separate accounts money does get used from both. I had to pay for plane tickets for my husband's son several times as he was paying for court costs, child support, the extras (that we finally put a stop to as enough was enough and she was refusing visitation/contact) and lots of other stuff. There is only so far one person's income can stretch and keep a roof over their head (not paying for their spouses either).

OP If DH is so concerned he needs to grow a pair and address EX. Sounds like he is setting you up to be the evil step mom.

OP admits DH is underpaying his ex by several hundred dollars a month! OP is asking what the norm is. There is no norm, there's a range of norms, and what DH is doing is pretty common. I know a divorced mother of three and her ex pays all the private school tuition even though her parents are wealthy.

By the way, if DH is paying all the expenses but underpaying child support, he's really not paying all the expenses. Clear?

Why would you go to court? Spend the money on camp for the child, not lawyers!

OP, it really doesn't matter what the norm is. The real question is are you doing right by the child. You are paying $1400 in child support. The first $400 to $500 goes to childcare. The next $400 to $500 goes to food and medical copays. That leaves $400 to $500 for the increased costs of housing, clothing, braces (I throw this in because you are almost there with an 8 year old and it's a killer cost) and all of the other things you have to pay for when you have a kid. Sounds to me like in terms of child support, you are doing great. But, then there are the things that as a parent you want to give your child. This is over and above support. Some people want to give their kids great experiences. Some lots of activities. Some a summer pool membership. Some the experience of summer camp. Some want to give private school. Some want to offer educational support in terms of tutoring. What you have to figure out is what it is that you want to give your stepson, in addition to what it costs to raise him, and then pay for it. If you get a request for something that you don't think he needs, then don't. If you get a request that you can't afford, you say no. If you get a request that interferes with what you want to give your other kids (which I don't think you have yet), balance out the needs of all the kids and divide your resources between them.

As for going back to the courts, my question to you is why. Is there really a reason you can't work this out. I am one of five kids, all of whose siblings have divorced and had child support and custody issues/battles. So, I've lived with this up close and personal for more than 20 years now. The thing that seems to have worked best in my family is where the parents worked things out amongst themselves. Courts are adversarial and if things are working, albeit in an unorthodox way, why not keep it working. Honestly, it sounds like you are doing a great job.

18:10 is a P.S. to 18:03.

"Your" agreement, 17:37? OP is NOT a party to the child support agreement! Really folks, get the basics right. Suggesting to use OP's name in the letter is NUTS! Are any of your divorced?

OP,

You are wrong to use the royal "we," you cannot ask the court to do anything! It's not your child support, it's your husband's, your income doesn't get factored into the calculation or the negotiation.

Also, shame on your for identifying location and age. I'd be pissed if my ex's wife did that!

As for expenses, this is common. My ex pays all my child's extras. I pay some when I can. It depends on circumstances.

OP,

In answer to your question, it is quite common for divorced parents to incorporate some language into their child support agreements about how much each party will pay for extra curricular activities. It is common for language to be included about consulting one another before enrolling children in activities if those actvities may have obligations during both parents' "time." It seems like you don't have this language in your agreements. So your husband has no obligation to pay for these activities, but wants to and does because he thinks that his son should have these opportunities. Good for him and good for you for supporting this. By all means talk to your attorney about incorporating these payments in his total support outlay. If it were me, I would not do that. I would continue to operate the way your husband is now. That way if he cannot afford to continue paying for an activity, he does not have a court ordered obligation to do so.

With regard to the issue about camps that your husband's ex has enrolled him in, I would respond thusly, "Dear Ex, I am thrilled that you have enrolled our son Eggbert in Underwater Basketweaving camp. It sounds like fun for him. You may take my portion of payment for camp out of my monthly support check which you receive in a timely manner on the 1st of each month. As you know Mary Ann and myself have undertaken to pay for a number of extra curricular enrichment activities during the school year. A copy of the receipts are attached so that you can verify the total amount of $XY. As you did not discuss with me your wish to enroll him in this camp during a period of time which you will be off from work and not needing childcare, I have not budgeted an extra amount for camp. Accordingly, I will not be forwarding a check. I wholeheartedly support Underwater basketweaving camp and suggest that perhaps we can sit down and examine our schedules for next summer early in the season so that if you want to enroll him in such a camp next year, I can eliminate an extracurricular activity in order to share the cost of camp with you. Sincerely, Your Ex-Husband"

We have a 2.5 year-old. My ex pays adequate/generous support (it basically covers our full-day preschool payment) and I pay for everything out of his support check. We're both on the same page in terms of what extra activities we want her to do. When she's in public school, his support will decrease, but we'll make sure that activities like ballet, soccer, camps, etc. are included in the calculations.

Personally, I think the ex might be taking advantage, unless the child support payment is a very small one. Perhaps you could sit down and figure out what the coming year's expenses are likely to be, and how much should be paid by each parent? I don't see anything wrong with your post, OP- I feel like the ex should take some responsibility over how much things cost, not just run to your husband for money every time she pays for something. I wouldn't dream of asking for extra money beyond my support checks.

OP, this is going to get derailed totally, I have a feeling. I think your best bet for you and DH to consult your lawyer. Maybe this could go to mediation as opposed to court. I agree with a PP to document everything in the interim.

My DSS lived with us, and we didn't receive child support at all. The divorce decree between DH and his ex required him to pay her health insurance. It eventually got to the point where she was sending him her bills for co-pays and purchases of tylenol (I kid you not!). It ended up back in mediation due to this and a host of other similar issues, and we made sure it spelled out that paying health insurance meant paying premiums not paying for every single box of bandaids that she purchased.

"I do not care at all about the extra money, it is a matter of feeling like the ex is constantly asking for more and more."

Wow!

"In the future I will make sure that DH asks these questions so at least the evil step mom component will be removed. "

Lesson learned.

OP again. I actually am surprised at this reaction but I guess I shouldn't be. DH asked me to post here because we don't know if what we ware doing is normal or not, we dont have any friends or family in our situation. DH pays $1400/m in support, his ex lives in Charles County with a very low cost of living, and if he went back to court our payments would likely increase a few hundred dollars. He pays 100% of all extra activities which averages out to $100's more a month - so at the end of day he probably wouldn't give her any less than he does now. We just don't know if this is how others operate. I do not care at all about the extra money, it is a matter of feeling like the ex is constantly asking for more and more. Actually HE feels this more than I do, I want to avoid all conflict with her if I can. I love my DSS and I'm not an awful step mom. In the future I will make sure that DH asks these questions so at least the evil step mom component will be removed.

Other than presuming bitter exes warring with each other? Nope.