OP, your children are still very very young and they need a LOT of care. In addition, you and your DH are young and still pretty new at this marriage with children thing, but your DH sounds immature and I agree that he needs to grow up. I'm sorry that this is not what he 'envisioned' it to be, but like PP said 'he needs to suck it up'. End of story. Getting out of the marriage is not going to change anything for him at all. He still going to be a father with responsibilities. In fact, it may be harder for him if he divorces you and if he does, he may end up in another relationship (especially given his age) with someone who might want her own kids, so he'll be back at square one. I would suggest marriage and/or family counseling for you. And come up with a strategy where you can find some couple time and also some individual time. Not easy at all... BTDT and still doing it.

I could have written your post 3 years ago when mine were 9 months and 3. My DH complained a lot about the kids and often said "I just want my old life back." I too found it very hurtful. Well, it's 3 years later and things are much much better. THe kids are easier and in many ways (but not all!) less exhausting. The best part is that b/c of playdates, lessons, B-day parties, etc, we now often get a few hours every weekend without the kids and that allows him to veg out in front of the tv or just have alone time. So, hang in there. I know it is frustrating and hurtful but hopefully he will be singing a different tune in a few years.

Anonymous wrote:OP, go over and read the thread about SAHMS giving up great careers. What is going on in your family is why having a SAHM in the family can be a great thing. My DH hated parenting, too, when the kids were little -- we had twins so it was a ton of work and overwhelming. I stayed home after about 9 months. This enabled DH to focus on his career without limits. He was happier, and I have loved raising my own children. Yes, I gave up a fabulous career that I miss (do it part time, but it's not the same), but our family life would have been Hell if I hadn't. I'd think about it if I were you. And if parenting isn't your thing, either -- well, sorry to be snarky, but why on Earth did you have children together?

OP again - I love parenting and I thought DH would too. When we got married (at 24...) we decided we wanted to have kids right away and he was the one who wanted more (I wanted two). Then they actually came and he wants none.

Anonymous wrote:Another father here. Anyone in their right mind regrets having kids. It is a relentless nightmare.
I agree that there is not point complaining about it though. You can't push the shit back into the horse, as they say.
Next time he complains just point out that it is only a few more decades before the sweet release of death. Until then he just has to suck it up like the rest of us.

LMFAO, now I know what my DH was doing when I caught him on my computer last night.

OP, go over and read the thread about SAHMS giving up great careers. What is going on in your family is why having a SAHM in the family can be a great thing. My DH hated parenting, too, when the kids were little -- we had twins so it was a ton of work and overwhelming. I stayed home after about 9 months. This enabled DH to focus on his career without limits. He was happier, and I have loved raising my own children. Yes, I gave up a fabulous career that I miss (do it part time, but it's not the same), but our family life would have been Hell if I hadn't. I'd think about it if I were you. And if parenting isn't your thing, either -- well, sorry to be snarky, but why on Earth did you have children together?

"Do you have any advice for me for helping him? Should I feel sad about this? Do you feel like you're a good mother anyway? What joy do you get out of life that you can still get? "

Average mother. My joy comes from my pets.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same as your DH.

OP here - are you a father? If so, and if you truly feel this way - what could your wife do for you to help? And I mean besides just letting you go out and do whatever you want to do all the time - I mean realistically given that you have kids and you made these choices - what could she do to help?

I'm a mother. I learned to suck it up.

Do you have any advice for me for helping him? Should I feel sad about this? Do you feel like you're a good mother anyway? What joy do you get out of life that you can still get?

OP I am so sorry that you and your kids are having to go through this. I don't know what you could do. Sooner or later the kids will notice that dad is just not that interested. It's important that your DH be able to express himself and tell you how he feels, but I'm a strong believer that the more you say something the more true it becomes. By that I don't mean brush it under the rug. Absolutely not! But the reality is that he DOES have two children who need him and love him and he needs to grow up and be the father to them. "Letting him do" what ever he wants to do is not the answer. I think spending MORE time with the kids so that he has a unique relationship with each of them is probably more likely to result in a good outcome. WE all feel like the kids are running our lives occasionaly and that we'll never be able to do this or that, but I think what you're describing is more than that.

OP, this sounds really painful. I could see your DH expressing this to you once or occasionally when he was really frustrated or something, but on a nearly daily basis is awful. I agree with the previous poster who asked if you have asked him what he hopes to accomplish by saying this. Do you think he wants out of the marriage? Sorry I don't have any specific advice--just wanted to say I think it is totally understandable that you are very saddened by hearing this all the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same as your DH.

OP here - are you a father? If so, and if you truly feel this way - what could your wife do for you to help? And I mean besides just letting you go out and do whatever you want to do all the time - I mean realistically given that you have kids and you made these choices - what could she do to help?

I'm a mother. I learned to suck it up.

OP,

Wow. Does he know how you feel? Do you ever bond over adversity? He sounds totally immature. Where do you live?

Anonymous wrote:"if he's giving them a bath, he's on his iPhone while they're bathing instead of playing with them"

If I co-parented with someone who criticized things such as this, I probably wouldn't regret having kids, but I might regret choosing to parent with this person.

OP again - I'm not saying that you to be a perfect parent all the time. But I gave that example because I wonder if my kids notice that daddy is always doing something else instead of playing with them or interacting with them. Sometimes my daughter asks him questions 4-5 times and he ignores her bc he's on his phone and finally I just answer. It's pretty obvious that if he had the choice, he would never be with them. I was telling a story about someone who had multiple nannies covering essentially 24 hours a day and he said "I wish I had that much money so I could pay someone else to play with them." And it's obvious he feels this way by his actions.

Anonymous wrote:" I want to yell at him GROW UP AND GET OVER IT. "

That won't help. Prepare to be a single mother.

\

Yeah, thanks. I realize this - which is why I haven't taken that route.

Anonymous wrote:Another father here. Anyone in their right mind regrets having kids. It is a relentless nightmare.
I agree that there is not point complaining about it though. You can't push the shit back into the horse, as they say.
Next time he complains just point out that it is only a few more decades before the sweet release of death. Until then he just has to suck it up like the rest of us.

Wow, that was depressing. I'm single and don't want kids, because I feel this way. But can't imagine having kids and still feeling that way. I feel sorry for your little ones, I hope you don;t show them you feel this way