Exactly, 13:51. I am reluctant to tell anybody something bad about somebody else unless I absolutely knew it is true, and there is a valid reason for them to know. Given the biological relationship here, I'd be even more reluctant to pass on unverified information.

Of course one issue with OP is she does not know for certain if her baby was actually a product of rape. That in and of itself seems enough NOT to tell her child. If she finds proof that her baby was a product of rape, she can assess that down when the time comes.

Anonymous wrote:FWIW
My biological father (whom I have not met) raped his two, mentally retarded, teenage nieces. He served about 10 years for it and is now a registered sex offender so I can watch him age on the internet. I wish that I did not know this about him because it does make me feel a little grossed out about my genes if I think about it too much. Nobody told me. I found a newspaper clipping in my grandmother's house while looking for a stamp when I was 17. I never told anyone I knew/know and I'm 37.

This type of information messes with your mind even if you are a happy, sane, well adjusted, loved person.

This is why adoptive families and relatives (of their biological kids) should consider where they keep information and what they do with it. Our son's birthfather has some criminal issues that he was very upfront about and we found on the internet easily but we very quickly destroyed it for this reason - we do not want our son finding it. He is very good and decent to us and we'd rather our son know the good in him vs. the past dumb things he's done (nothing as serious as rape) and he's working hard to change his life around for his other child he his parenting (prior to our son). What we know, we know and will stay with us and we will only share the positive and what they choose to share at an age appropriate time they can but we know they will only do it with our consent. Something like this does not need to be found, especially like this. I'm sorry you found out that way and that it happened. What a horrible situation for you and your family.

FWIW
My biological father (whom I have not met) raped his two, mentally retarded, teenage nieces. He served about 10 years for it and is now a registered sex offender so I can watch him age on the internet. I wish that I did not know this about him because it does make me feel a little grossed out about my genes if I think about it too much. Nobody told me. I found a newspaper clipping in my grandmother's house while looking for a stamp when I was 17. I never told anyone I knew/know and I'm 37.

This type of information messes with your mind even if you are a happy, sane, well adjusted, loved person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a teenager or adult needs to be worrying about genetics (aggressiveness, emotional disorder, etc.) being passed down from a (possible) rapist.

Mental health illnesses, Skitsofrenia etc, is hereditary. But the environment plays a role as well

I agree. I said that the teenager didn't need to be worrying about genetics, and I think most would, if given that kind of info.

Focus on the child you were given as a gift. Not where he/she came from

00:12, no one is saying rape does not happen. But the PP made a valid point: for every woman who was raped and chose to bring the baby to term then give it up for adoption, there are probably half a dozen who don't know the father, don't want him to know about the baby or want to protect him. PP did not sound like she was judging them and neither am I. If I was in their situation, that is probably what I would do.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a teenager or adult needs to be worrying about genetics (aggressiveness, emotional disorder, etc.) being passed down from a (possible) rapist.

Mental health illnesses, Skitsofrenia etc, is hereditary. But the environment plays a role as well

Anonymous wrote:If I were a teen in one of the above situations, I might conclude that the easiest thing to do was to say I was raped. Voila, everyone is sympathetic instead of judgmental and pushing for info..

You are an A**hole. You have no idea what goes on in the world.
There really is no need for teens to lie. That kind of stuff does happen. I know someone who works as a midwife. Her hospital has even had a 13 year old come and give birth. She was the victim of rape and talked openly about it to the nurse.
Your kind should never adopt.

Since when are women lining up giving their babies up for to judgemental folks to raise?

I think it's best to not ever share that kind of info. Let it rest with you. In addition to all the other reasons mentioned previously, I don't think a teenager or adult needs to be worrying about genetics (aggressiveness, emotional disorder, etc.) being passed down from a (possible) rapist.

I am a stable 40-something, well-loved, educated and traveled and I would not want to be told this information even now.

I wouldn't tell - I would just say we weren't provided with any information on your birthfather and leave it at that.

I don't have any experience in this situation, but I would say, in general, add to these thoughts this one: who is the best person to tell DC? Focusing on the fact (since the agency doesn't know if there was a rape): birth father unknown. Seems like that's enough to tell, and there are many, many reasons for 'unknown'. I think if the birth mother comes forward, establishes a relationship, and wants to tell your kid, then she's the best person. If she doesn't, I'm not sure you need to go beyond the unknown part. With donor egg, to me, that's very different: the birth mother is known, the circumstances are known, lots of facts, and there's a danger that the not-right person will tell your kid.

You sound like such a caring, dedicated parent, OP.

OP,
It's interesting that your subject line is the declarative is a victim of rape when the agency said that was not certain. Is there anyway you could clarify things with the agency, to help your formulative a narrative to tell your child when the time comes? For instance, maybe they feel that the rape story was a ruse to shield the identity of the father. That would point in not mentioning the rape detail. Or maybe what they know points more definitively to rape. If you can get more facts, perhaps this will help you down the road.

OP, this is not directly relevant but there are some similarities. I'm not sure if I would tell at all but I would counsel you against telling a child during the volatile teen years. I have a child who is the product of an egg donor Everything I've read about the children of egg and sperm donors is to tell them early because they tend to be resentful and angry when they find out in the teen years. I think party because they feel you concealed something seminal and party because they are teenagers. I don't think there is a way to disclose this to a young child so if I were committed to telling my child I'd wait until after college.