Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised his salary / bonus isn’t higher if he’s in big law and just guesstimating ages based on kids being in elementary school - is he a partner? What’s his future salary / bonus appreciation look like - is he on a path to hit $1-2M in the future, or is where he is today likely where he lands comp-wise for the long run? If you said hey he’ll be at $1M in a couple years and $2M in 5-10 that impacts how people would evaluate this too.

Anonymous wrote:OP - DH's salary has increased year over year. We haven't been making this much for the past decade. We have had 3 kids in daycare from 2015-2021. That took a HUGE chunk of our money. We also paid off his law school loan aggressively.

I am actually fine with doing 80% of the kid/household things. Yes sometimes it gets stressful but all in all this is what I am used to so I don't find it overly burdensome.

I just feel bad that my DH is stressed all the time. Big law is feast or famine. When its busy, work is pouring in. When its slow you are always worried about not making your hours. So the stress is always present. It never goes away.

Anonymous wrote:You all should be saving at minimum 500k/year. What is your FIRE number? If he can see the finish line, maybe you guys can do this for another 5-6 years then he can live his life and raise his kids.

Anonymous wrote:How easy is it for you to get a higher paying job and for him to get a less stressful lower paying job?

Speaking as a wife who out earns her husband by 4x but also works way more, ya it would be great if he made more and worked more to take some of that pressure off me, but then we’d need a lot more outside help and that doesn’t manage itself. Pros and cons of both approaches.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the set up you have is a bit of a unicorn. Your HHI is $875,000! That is very high and is very unlikely to be made up with you taking a more stressful job and him taking a less stressful job.

Let's say you find something making $250k, which is a great salary and a huge jump for you. Odds are it is not going to be very flexible (definitely not when you are new) and your time off, pension, and insurance may be reduced and basically eat some of the gain you will make in salary. Your DH could take a pay cut but he's unlikely to find a "family friendly" job making more than $250k-$300k. So now you have basically halved your HHI and the end result is that you are more stressed and less available, possibly creating more problems for your family.

You also have to consider the career field your DH is in. At that income I am guessing he is something like an attorney in big law or maybe in finance. I am an attorney so can speak to this personally; there are not a lot of legal jobs that pay over $250k that are not stressful. If they exist, they are very hard to find. I also think that people who are always working and have always defined themselves that way would be the same in a "less stressful" job, they'd just be making less money.

He'd be better off trying to make his current situation work better. Maybe that's using some of the money to make life easier with meal delivery, household help, or a personal trainer. Maybe it's focusing on techniques to reduce stress. Maybe it's seeing if he can do less and still get by.

This post did resonate with me. I recently moved roles within the same company and it was something I'd been wanting for various reasons. However, the new group operates at a much calmer tempo than my old group. Suddenly I have a lot time. And this is normal within the group. It's a high margin group. Work-life balance is great. But I miss the stress and grinding of my old roles. I do. Really, I do. And now I've started quietly looking around to see what's out there because I have a lot of energy and want to tackle time consuming projects and clients. I prefer having intense eight weeks followed with a quiet week, then another intense eight weeks and so on, rather than effectively working 20 hour weeks. I'm aware many people wouldn't understand. And I do think that people who work in demanding roles complain about it but relish it at the same time. It's like marathon running or intensive cardio. You either get it or you don't.

Anonymous wrote:OP - DH's salary has increased year over year. We haven't been making this much for the past decade. We have had 3 kids in daycare from 2015-2021. That took a HUGE chunk of our money. We also paid off his law school loan aggressively.

I am actually fine with doing 80% of the kid/household things. Yes sometimes it gets stressful but all in all this is what I am used to so I don't find it overly burdensome.

I just feel bad that my DH is stressed all the time. Big law is feast or famine. When its busy, work is pouring in. When its slow you are always worried about not making your hours. So the stress is always present. It never goes away.

Anonymous wrote:Lawyer here. Main issue is that if you go to a “lifestyle” firm, there’s a good chance you’ll end up working just as much. Depending on the field, in-house may not be an option (and still has horrible hours in big tech). Government isn’t hiring much these days and the pay cut would be like 70%.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the set up you have is a bit of a unicorn. Your HHI is $875,000! That is very high and is very unlikely to be made up with you taking a more stressful job and him taking a less stressful job.

Let's say you find something making $250k, which is a great salary and a huge jump for you. Odds are it is not going to be very flexible (definitely not when you are new) and your time off, pension, and insurance may be reduced and basically eat some of the gain you will make in salary. Your DH could take a pay cut but he's unlikely to find a "family friendly" job making more than $250k-$300k. So now you have basically halved your HHI and the end result is that you are more stressed and less available, possibly creating more problems for your family.

You also have to consider the career field your DH is in. At that income I am guessing he is something like an attorney in big law or maybe in finance. I am an attorney so can speak to this personally; there are not a lot of legal jobs that pay over $250k that are not stressful. If they exist, they are very hard to find. I also think that people who are always working and have always defined themselves that way would be the same in a "less stressful" job, they'd just be making less money.

He'd be better off trying to make his current situation work better. Maybe that's using some of the money to make life easier with meal delivery, household help, or a personal trainer. Maybe it's focusing on techniques to reduce stress. Maybe it's seeing if he can do less and still get by.