Get an attorney, work out a marital settlement agreement in accordance with the law and what is fair to both sides, and for God sakes avoid litigation at all costs other than the bare minimum. Plan on 50/50 custody as the default. Get your MSA wrapped up and then do an uncontested divorce. The biggest threat to your finances and his are out of control legal fees. If you have things you can't work out get a qualified mediator acceptable to both sides who should be able to help you resolve everything within a few hours of mediation. Well worth the cost. You will need appraisals for any real estate artwork collectibles etc. Get all your financial records together and organized as far back as you can. Try to keep emotions out of it, they lead to higha attorneys fees. --retired attonrney

Keep in mind you can do two thing at once.

On the one hand, prep as people have suggested (LAWYER!) and "get your finances in order."

On the other hand, do what you need to do in terms of your marriage. try couseling, try a separation, mourn your marriage, support your child. Give him a little freedom for his lovely life, but also take time away - go away for the weekend and have him recognize what custody on his own time will be like, solo parenting for the weekend. There's a theory that you shouldn't cling onto the marriage. You go a little private, a little pulled way, make him wonder what you are up to, and maybe, who knows, this will be temporary and he will find his way back (where you may or may not decide to keep working on the marriage). Let it be uncomfortable for him, don't rescue him, let him see what it would be like.

But while you are doing all that, prepare like crazy for a potential divorce and protect yourself, your assets, and your child.

Be smarter than you are being right now - you can be more strategic and active and work to gain the outcome you want. YOU ARE QUITE THERE.

Talk to a lawyer. Understand your rights. But, when it comes down to it, really try hard to avoid this becoming a legal situation. Try to keep it amicable and agree to split things yourselves. try to avoid spending money you don't need to spend (but spend some money in advance so you go in smart and know how this all goes).

Take the inheritance out of any discussions immediately. Never ever mention it to your soon to be x.

If he's approached things as fair - your money vs his money - try to keep his phrasing, use his words, to get the outcome you want (walking away without having to give up your savings or any of your future earnings).

Try and wrap this up quickly. Often the spouse who is leaving will want things to wrap up quickly and may be more agreeable (he may also feel a little guilty) - use that to your advantage.

Getting your affairs in order means knowing all your accounts, all your alances, what each of you brought into the marriage, and your policies, all the joint info - logins, passwords, etc. Start tracking money carefully and make sure nothing is disappearing from joint accounts.

Anonymous wrote:He’s living in La La land if he thinks his $150k income is going to comfortably finance his mid-life fantasies. Is there an affair? Prepare for him to fight tooth and nail and plan accordingly. This is not the time to play nice.

He'll get child support, which will help.

You need to see an atty and make a plan. He's already told you he wants to divorce. Of course, you have to do your part-but you don't have to let him screw you over. You need to protect you and your child's future.

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why he wants your retirement if he wants a divorce and out quickly. That $50k is not a big difference.
You sound dramatic. It's just money.

Ignorance is a bliss.

Of course, I’ll consult an attorney but I’m not quite there yet and would appreciate some thoughts on the questions above.

I will assure you, you are “quite there.”

— an attorney

Lol I had the same thought. (- Not an attorney)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It means to know where all your assets are, know all the debts you have, know where all your money goes and how it's spent.

This.

When I got divorced I brought an excel sheet with all of our financial information to my first meeting with my attorney. The file included all account numbers, institutions, balances, loans, assets, etc. This was about 10 years ago and she said she had never seen a woman come in so prepared. I wasn't sure what to think about that.

Same. You're basically wasting everyone's time if you don't have all of this information gathered and reviewed prior to meeting with an attorney. You should also thoroughly review your state's laws and go into the meeting with specific questions. People who overspend on divorce are sometimes responsible for not managing their life better.

He’s living in La La land if he thinks his $150k income is going to comfortably finance his mid-life fantasies. Is there an affair? Prepare for him to fight tooth and nail and plan accordingly. This is not the time to play nice.

Anonymous wrote:Op here again. For those of you who have been through this, did you agree with your spouse about a split that was different than what the law would allow? My husband and I were fully formed adults with our careers established when we met. He has always been very clear that his money is his and mine is mine. I’m wondering if he’d agree to leave my retirement alone.

I’ll use my inheritance to pay for all the kid-related stuff. Grandparent has fully funded the 529 already. I just hope to walk away, each with our own savings since we approached that aspect so differently. So really, he just has to support himself in his new dream life.

Anyway, maybe that’s a pipe dream and he gets to decide to leave the marriage for his vague “we both deserve to be more deeply in love with our life” reasons and I lose half of what I’ve saved. Argh.

Anyway, I don’t want to screw him over, and I really want my kid to be ok. As upset as I am, he’s not a bad guy and I can kind of see him wanting this to be easy and amicable without paying lawyers and whatnot. Is that crazy?

He's clear on the bolded, until he is not. I learned this the hard way. This process may reveal a side of your spouse that you have never imagined. Protect your own interests aggressively from the outset.

I think by getting your “affairs in order,” it means figuring out all the logistics that will come into play when divorcing - - especially if you have minor children.

I.e., housing arrangements, custody issues, financial things, etc.

I saw an attorney 2x and then did our own paperwork for the divorce.

I kept all my money, the house, no alimony and the family house.

I gave him $100K for a down payment on his new house because you have to go through a sale/new loan for your current house to put it fully in your name so I pulled $100K out of the house.

Then we went our separate ways.

The judge was even like you’re giving up his pension and I was yep that is his, I have mine.

Just keep saying “you deserve to be happy”, “ I want the kids to live your life” , I will help you get where you want to be. Don’t be a shrew.

Then get everything you worked for and live happily ever after,

There is so much freedom and happiness in the other side.

I don't see why he wants your retirement if he wants a divorce and out quickly. That $50k is not a big difference.
You sound dramatic. It's just money.

He may decide he wants half when he gets a girlfriend so I’d plan with an attorney now.

Anonymous wrote:Op here again. For those of you who have been through this, did you agree with your spouse about a split that was different than what the law would allow? My husband and I were fully formed adults with our careers established when we met. He has always been very clear that his money is his and mine is mine. I’m wondering if he’d agree to leave my retirement alone.

I’ll use my inheritance to pay for all the kid-related stuff. Grandparent has fully funded the 529 already. I just hope to walk away, each with our own savings since we approached that aspect so differently. So really, he just has to support himself in his new dream life.

Anyway, maybe that’s a pipe dream and he gets to decide to leave the marriage for his vague “we both deserve to be more deeply in love with our life” reasons and I lose half of what I’ve saved. Argh.

Anyway, I don’t want to screw him over, and I really want my kid to be ok. As upset as I am, he’s not a bad guy and I can kind of see him wanting this to be easy and amicable without paying lawyers and whatnot. Is that crazy?

When your spouse is in a good mood bring legal papers for the “My money in my account is mine, the money in your account is yours” document to sign.
The assets held together will be divided into two.