Anonymous wrote:You look like a lesbian so they say spouse.

Anonymous wrote:Are you married? Do you wear a wedding ring? Sounds as if you're not married. So why would it be weird. People probably know you're not

If you are married, then clearly the people don't know you well enough to assume in this day and age, and don't want to err on the side of offending.

Anonymous wrote:I wish we could all just agree to say partner. Not even for PC reasons, although that matters. Boyfriend/girlfriend sounds too HS. Husband/wife sounds too old-fashioned. Also, it is becoming more and more common for people to be lifelong partners without getting married. I have a friend who bought and remodeled a house with her partner. They live like a married couple in all aspects of life, but they will never get married. This is common, so yeah, I think we are at a point where we should not assume spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny that "partner" is more PC because I actually think it has the unintended consequence of confusing people and sometimes even reinforcing homophobia.

My husband has a gender neutral name, and I learned a long time ago that it's simply easier if I refer to him as my husband because otherwise some people will assume he's a woman and that we are a lesbian couple. You might think "well what is wrong with that?" Nothing, on its own. But it has led to some awkward mistakes, after which people are very embarrassed and apologetic. Some of these mistakes are just funny accidents (we have received a lot of formal invitations addressed to "Ms. and Ms.") others are much more awkward (I served on a school committee and they used my assumed LGBTQ+ status to tout diversity on the committee except... I'm straight). I've found it's just easier if people know from the jump that he's a man and we are a straight couple.

Likewise, we have a number of same-sex couple friends who do the same thing -- they almost always use "husband" or "wife" instead of a neutral term, because it's a way to quickly convey their identity and relationship without having to jump through any hoops. If there is going to be any resistance to that, better to identify it early. But mostly it's just practical, as it is in my situation -- that way everyone knows from the jump what gender their spouse is and whether they are straight or not, and this turns out to be basic info that is useful for people to have.

But it doesn't bother me when people use the neutral terms. I've just found them impractical in my own life except in situations where it truly does not and will never matter the person knows my husband's gender or our sexual orientation.

My daughter’s partner is nonbinary AND happens to have a gender neutral name. When I refer to “my daughter’s partner, Rory,” I know people assume queer in some way and really want to know if they were born male or female. Lol.

Anonymous wrote:I wish we could all just agree to say partner. Not even for PC reasons, although that matters. Boyfriend/girlfriend sounds too HS. Husband/wife sounds too old-fashioned. Also, it is becoming more and more common for people to be lifelong partners without getting married. I have a friend who bought and remodeled a house with her partner. They live like a married couple in all aspects of life, but they will never get married. This is common, so yeah, I think we are at a point where we should not assume spouse.

Anonymous wrote:It's funny that "partner" is more PC because I actually think it has the unintended consequence of confusing people and sometimes even reinforcing homophobia.

My husband has a gender neutral name, and I learned a long time ago that it's simply easier if I refer to him as my husband because otherwise some people will assume he's a woman and that we are a lesbian couple. You might think "well what is wrong with that?" Nothing, on its own. But it has led to some awkward mistakes, after which people are very embarrassed and apologetic. Some of these mistakes are just funny accidents (we have received a lot of formal invitations addressed to "Ms. and Ms.") others are much more awkward (I served on a school committee and they used my assumed LGBTQ+ status to tout diversity on the committee except... I'm straight). I've found it's just easier if people know from the jump that he's a man and we are a straight couple.

Likewise, we have a number of same-sex couple friends who do the same thing -- they almost always use "husband" or "wife" instead of a neutral term, because it's a way to quickly convey their identity and relationship without having to jump through any hoops. If there is going to be any resistance to that, better to identify it early. But mostly it's just practical, as it is in my situation -- that way everyone knows from the jump what gender their spouse is and whether they are straight or not, and this turns out to be basic info that is useful for people to have.

But it doesn't bother me when people use the neutral terms. I've just found them impractical in my own life except in situations where it truly does not and will never matter the person knows my husband's gender or our sexual orientation.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve noticed lately that in conversation, I’m more likely to be asked if the guy I’m ‘with’ (they know we share a house/kids) is my “spouse” or “partner.” It caught my attention because it seemed like they were avoiding the word “husband.” I couldn’t tell if this was intentional - a deliberate choice of words?

Are the words husband/wife passé? Were they just trying to be unassuming?

This has happened with a few different people at family events where it would be very likely to expect couples to be married. Think tee ball games, kids birthday parties, etc.

I would have just expected people to make small talk something like: “Oh, who’s your husband? Kyle? By the grill?” If you get my drift.

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are East Asian and do not wear our wedding rings, and never check out wedding rings on other people. The wedding ring habit is mostly a Caucasian exercise. Are there really people who try to suss out relationship status with presence/absence of rings???