Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My PDA 10 year old can’t even tolerate camp.

My kid has adhd/ Oppositional defiance disorder.

Won’t eat fruit. Why? Seeds are bad
Won’t go to Boston. Why? Bc you lived there
Won’t stay in swim team. Why? Don’t like it.

Now she’s 5’6” and moping around. We might try paying a friend to tell her to join things or do things….

DD is 16 and like this. Things were more manageable when she was on an SSRI. Now refuses medication. It’s very very draining.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My PDA 10 year old can’t even tolerate camp.

My kid has adhd/ Oppositional defiance disorder.

Won’t eat fruit. Why? Seeds are bad
Won’t go to Boston. Why? Bc you lived there
Won’t stay in swim team. Why? Don’t like it.

Now she’s 5’6” and moping around. We might try paying a friend to tell her to join things or do things….

I mean, not to make light of her struggles, but it's ok to not like swim team, or fruit with seeds. Many people don't. As far as Boston, well that one is her loss I guess. Some people just aren't joiners and don't like that.

Have you tried this? It rolls on like old school liquidy roll on deodorant.

https://www.amazon.com/your-orders/order-details?orderID=112-8102354-2282658&lineItemId=rljgsxontqorony&shipmentId=GH8t4LtXN&packageId=1&ref_=ppx_hzsearch_conn_mob_b_pop_1

Also, try to let other people that they are a “dream” with teach some of this if you can. And then, just start to let go. They are going to hit middle school and either be embarrassed they cannot tie their shoes and learn or not. And there are a million options of shoes you don’t have to tie. I have a kid with profound intellectual disability who will never tie her shoes. At age 16, she wears the slip on Skechers. And we keep it moving.

It sounds like they are learning just fine at school so just make your home life more peaceful. This is a marathon and your happiness matters.

https://www.kristyforbes.com.au

This woman knows and lives PDA and autism. She has been incredibly helpful for many of my friends. She's an educator and offers module-style learning and virtual classes. In one, she even provides scripts to use when the parent has to deal with certain situations.

One pp called it a disability - it is. It's a brain whose fear response is in overdrive - it senses danger in many places and puts up defenses (similar to OCD). Often individuals with PDA think simple decisions have life-and-death consequences. Or at least that's what it FEELS like to their bodies and brains. It's also incredibly challenging to live with this type of disability, which is why you need specialized help. Good luck, OP.

Anonymous wrote:My kid who is like this just has to learn everything the hard way ie by themselves from experience.

Just accept this and stop trying to teach them.

Are you saying natural consequences actually work for your ND kid?

Anonymous wrote:My PDA 10 year old can’t even tolerate camp.

My kid has adhd/ Oppositional defiance disorder.

Won’t eat fruit. Why? Seeds are bad
Won’t go to Boston. Why? Bc you lived there
Won’t stay in swim team. Why? Don’t like it.

Now she’s 5’6” and moping around. We might try paying a friend to tell her to join things or do things….

FWIW, our child who was well behaved at school and a terror at home (wouldn’t brush teeth, put on sunscreen, brush her hair) ended up diagnosed with OCD. She got MUCH better after ERP— gold standard, evidence-based treatment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have advice but I think you should write a thank you note to his teacher. Imagine trying to teach him all day along with 25 other kids.

He’s a DREAM at school. Everyone loves him. He’s super high achieving and popular and good. Everyone (friends, teachers) are shocked when I describe him at home.

This is like my 11 year old. She’s amazing outside the home but in our home she’s very difficult. Outbursts, won’t do anything we ask. Her therapist is bringing up PDA.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you done the At Peace Parents coaching? We did it (one on one parent sessions, texting with questions etc) and it was priceless.

This? https://www.atpeaceparents.com/

We are so hesitant to spend MORE money.

Yes that’s what we did. I know the money is no small thing but it felt incredibly helpful not just to have the parent sessions but to have someone to text WHILE IN THE MIDDLE of a difficult situation.

My similar kid needs to apply to her own face with a stick (like a deodorant stick) and then we take her outside and apply the rest in spray form. There cannot be any lotion or rubbing from parents. Really no touching from parents. She’s quite affectionate when she initiates but we cannot ever do something like this to her. She has to do it herself.

I'm the pp who suggested taking him to pick out sunscreen that he's willing to try. I'm an adult who has to wear sunscreen daily because I work outside in a warm state, and even I can't tolerate some of them . Some of them make my skin feel like they're on fire, some give me rashes ,some smell. I'm pretty picky and I can imagine that kids like him maybe picky too, so probably needs to go to like Walmart where they have 5,000 kinds of sunscreen and just pick a few to try, probably a spray or something like that he doesn't have to rub it all in. And he needs to apply it himself, cuz it sounds like having you rub it in feels painful at him for whatever reason.

Anonymous wrote:My kid who is like this just has to learn everything the hard way ie by themselves from experience.

Just accept this and stop trying to teach them.

Sunscreen is hard because you don't learn the lesson until your 40s.

My kid who is like this just has to learn everything the hard way ie by themselves from experience.

Just accept this and stop trying to teach them.

He’s too overwhelmed. Masking all day. Drop demands at home for a while. You may need to do a hybrid school since he’s in burnout.

Anonymous wrote:My PDA 10 year old can’t even tolerate camp.

Mine either. Or sunscreen or laced shoes.

Intentionally teaching is a turnoff for PDA. Especially parent to child which is a hierarchy imbalance.

For our science nerd PDAer she’s got to “discover it” on her own.We found that YouTube videos about the science of whatever life lesson needs to be learned are useful. It spurs curiosity, then she’ll try on her own terms. Something like sunscreen- she’ll watch a million videos on the sun, explainer videos of how sun causes skin cancer, all about skin cancer, then to videos from a chemist on formulations. Then she “chooses” which brand she will tolerate.

It’s a process. It’s tedious. But sometimes the only way.