Anonymous wrote:So spouse B, do you have an automated scoring system or is it still manual? Do you think if you go to your spouse who doesn’t agree and present a majority vote of internet strangers *that* will turn the tide? Do you just need to hear “you’re right”?

If so, you’re right, spouse B. Congrats. You’re the winner.

Better now?

Anonymous wrote:This feels pretty even to me. I don't tend to think this kind of careful count is helpful, but if you're doing it, let's be systematic:

Spouse A
* Works in office 5 days a week; contributes one-fourth of household income
SPOUSE B
* Works in office 2-3 days per week with great flexibility; contributes 3/4 of HHI

Spouse A is spending more time on work and has less flexibility in work. I don't think the HHI contribution matters because we're talking about dividing up labor not income.

SPOUSE A
* Responsible for managing family calendar to include scheduling kids activities, camps, etc.
SPOUSE B
* Responsible for family finances including budgeting, retirement planning, bill pay

This seems like similar levels of labor to me.

SPOUSE A
* Does the holiday gift shopping
SPOUSE B
* Plans family vacations/trips

Spouse B is probably doing more work, but both of these intermittent obligations.

SPOUSE A
* Prepares the weekly grocery list for grocery store pickup
SPOUSE B
* Picks up and puts up groceries

I find planning to be a lot more work than picking up, so I'd vote that spouse A is doing more work.

SPOUSE A
* Washing and folding of kids laundry AND
* Schedules house cleaners (they aren't on regular schedule)
SPOUSE B
* Cleans house in between cleaners visits to include vacuuming/mopping, bathrooms, dusting

Cleaning is more work than laundry and scheduling, but it really depends on how much you're actually cleaning if you have cleaners.

SPOUSE A
* Prepares school lunches
Spouse B
* Packs school lunches and feeds kids breakfast

Feels fairly evenly matched unless breakfast is a major undertaking. Each is preparing one meal; packing a lunch someone else prepared isn't much work.

SPOUSE A
* Picks up kids from school
SPOUSE B
* Drops off kids at school and is the primary at-home parent (watches kids on no-school days, picks up kids when sick or early dismissals)

Spouse B is doing more here.

SPOUSE A
* Shuttles kids to evening activities with occasional help from spouse
SPOUSE B
* Primary shuttle for kids weekend activities with occasional help from spouse

Even unless there's a huge difference between weekend and weekday activity burdens. Weekday activities are a little worse on average because of traffic, to my mind, but it's a minor difference. Both get occasional help.

SPOUSE A
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks packaged meals like frozen dinners)
SPOUSE B
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks from scratch meals)

This is even. Spouse B's decision to cook from scratch is a choice which can be abandoned if this is too much work.

SPOUSE A
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities
SPOUSE B
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities

Obviously balanced.

That leaves two which aren't well paired

SPOUSE A
* Shops for kids clothes
SPOUSE B
* Responsible for house and yard maintenance and upkeep including planning and coordination of contractors for large projects and hands-on work for routine maintenance and repairs

Spouse B has a much bigger job here.

Most of those paired obligations are balanced. Where they're not balanced, Spouse A has one big extra obligation (work) and Spouse B has 2-3, but Spouse A's extra obligation is more constant (you work/commute much more than you organize big projects or deal with days off school). I'd find that balanced from either side, I think.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Picking kids up from school is more burdensome if it’s harder for that spouse to leave by a certain time (something that both my spouse and I struggle with). Also, with younger children, pickup potentially takes longer (need to go into school to pick up kid
Etc).

Drop off is a piece of cake. You probably don’t even need to get out of the car or go into the school.

Scheduling kids activities and appointments takes more energy than bill pay/ budgeting / investments (most of which is likely automated).

Driving around in the evening is also more exhausting than weekends.

What are the biggest pain points for each spouse?

I think scheduling activities is a HUGE energy spend. But I disagree that finances is far behind. Money is a leading cause of divorce. What if one partner is a saver and the other is a spender. Managing that may not be as simple as "autopay"

Anonymous wrote:Picking kids up from school is more burdensome if it’s harder for that spouse to leave by a certain time (something that both my spouse and I struggle with). Also, with younger children, pickup potentially takes longer (need to go into school to pick up kid
Etc).

Drop off is a piece of cake. You probably don’t even need to get out of the car or go into the school.

Scheduling kids activities and appointments takes more energy than bill pay/ budgeting / investments (most of which is likely automated).

Driving around in the evening is also more exhausting than weekends.

What are the biggest pain points for each spouse?

Anonymous wrote:It looks very equal to me
House and yard maintenance is important but is not the same mental load as some of the other stuff, its not as frequent.
Also, I dont see how the HHI should be a factor. Ive seem that before on DCUM. How much you make is not a factor in the division of labor.

Anonymous wrote:Explain to me how the split of income is relevant here, Spouse OP. I mean B.

Anonymous wrote:This feels pretty even to me. I don't tend to think this kind of careful count is helpful, but if you're doing it, let's be systematic:

Spouse A
* Works in office 5 days a week; contributes one-fourth of household income
SPOUSE B
* Works in office 2-3 days per week with great flexibility; contributes 3/4 of HHI

Spouse A is spending more time on work and has less flexibility in work. I don't think the HHI contribution matters because we're talking about dividing up labor not income.

SPOUSE A
* Responsible for managing family calendar to include scheduling kids activities, camps, etc.
SPOUSE B
* Responsible for family finances including budgeting, retirement planning, bill pay

This seems like similar levels of labor to me.

SPOUSE A
* Does the holiday gift shopping
SPOUSE B
* Plans family vacations/trips

Spouse B is probably doing more work, but both of these intermittent obligations.

SPOUSE A
* Prepares the weekly grocery list for grocery store pickup
SPOUSE B
* Picks up and puts up groceries

I find planning to be a lot more work than picking up, so I'd vote that spouse A is doing more work.

SPOUSE A
* Washing and folding of kids laundry AND
* Schedules house cleaners (they aren't on regular schedule)
SPOUSE B
* Cleans house in between cleaners visits to include vacuuming/mopping, bathrooms, dusting

Cleaning is more work than laundry and scheduling, but it really depends on how much you're actually cleaning if you have cleaners.

SPOUSE A
* Prepares school lunches
Spouse B
* Packs school lunches and feeds kids breakfast

Feels fairly evenly matched unless breakfast is a major undertaking. Each is preparing one meal; packing a lunch someone else prepared isn't much work.

SPOUSE A
* Picks up kids from school
SPOUSE B
* Drops off kids at school and is the primary at-home parent (watches kids on no-school days, picks up kids when sick or early dismissals)

Spouse B is doing more here.

SPOUSE A
* Shuttles kids to evening activities with occasional help from spouse
SPOUSE B
* Primary shuttle for kids weekend activities with occasional help from spouse

Even unless there's a huge difference between weekend and weekday activity burdens. Weekday activities are a little worse on average because of traffic, to my mind, but it's a minor difference. Both get occasional help.

SPOUSE A
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks packaged meals like frozen dinners)
SPOUSE B
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks from scratch meals)

This is even. Spouse B's decision to cook from scratch is a choice which can be abandoned if this is too much work.

SPOUSE A
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities
SPOUSE B
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities

Obviously balanced.

That leaves two which aren't well paired

SPOUSE A
* Shops for kids clothes
SPOUSE B
* Responsible for house and yard maintenance and upkeep including planning and coordination of contractors for large projects and hands-on work for routine maintenance and repairs

Spouse B has a much bigger job here.

Most of those paired obligations are balanced. Where they're not balanced, Spouse A has one big extra obligation (work) and Spouse B has 2-3, but Spouse A's extra obligation is more constant (you work/commute much more than you organize big projects or deal with days off school). I'd find that balanced from either side, I think.