Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Answering as adult child who’s very close with my parents - having them help with childcare. That’s huge. There are things I overlook (annoying personality things) for how much help they provide for us as two working parents.

Very transactional.

Sorry but no. And I'm a NP. In our family, the grandparents, aunt, uncles, cousins were all involved in parenting the kids in the family. Because. . . . family. My parents benefitted HUGELY from that while I was growing up. Then they divorced and we got the "I raised my kids" speech and they never paid it forward. And, yeah, that is part of why I am not close to them. Their kids (and now grandkids) are only for photo ops and holidays. Otherwise, a box to check on the list.

I will def play a bigger role with my grandkids if I have any.

My oldest is 18, so I'm navigating this now - we have a great relationship so far, but obviously it's still a new dynamic!

From the perspective of the adult child, though, my relationship with my own parents strengthened greatly through my 20s. What they did:
- Accepted and supported my decisions, didn't pass judgement
- Offered advice only when asked for it (and then gave it more from the perspective of someone who's been around the block a few times, not so much as a parent advising a child)
- Began to treat me more like a peer than a child
- But were still there for me when I needed help or a shoulder to lean on
- Embraced my now-DH with open arms from the first time they met him, treated him like part of the family as soon as it became clear that I was serious about him
- Answered the phone whenever I called, but never pressured for more of my time or made me feel guilty about needing my own space
- Made it easy to get together, e.g.traveled to see me when I had little kids instead of expecting me to fly across the country, fit phone calls in according to my schedule even if the time zone made it awkward for them
- Seemed genuinely happy for me when I had good news to share

Anonymous wrote:Answering as adult child who’s very close with my parents - having them help with childcare. That’s huge. There are things I overlook (annoying personality things) for how much help they provide for us as two working parents.

Very transactional.

Force them to live near me, push them to have kids prematurely, and then have them be dependent on me for childcare because they aren't established yet in their careers.

They love me so much for it. 🩷

As a mom to 3 ages 31, 29 and 19. I was there biggest supporter and backed anything they wanted to do even if I didn't agree with it (school, jobs relationships etc). I was there to listen and offer support when asked/needed and to this day I still am.

Because of this my oldest lives in the apartment above us with her partner and my grandchildren and my other 2 still live at home.

As an adult child, I saw my parents always doing their best for us to build good lives, that made up for their shortcomings. They had kids very early in life and didn't have any role models to learn from but did their level best.

We were always close to our now three adult children and while there was some teen angst there was never any battles. As parents I think we set a good example for being loving parents and that family was our #1 priority. We also emphasized education and the importance of working hard and they all embraced it. Now they are all married with children and they seem to emphasize the same things. There was no magic or luck, just trying to be good parents as our parents were with us.

I'm not close to my parents. Some of this generational and cultural and exacerbated by their personalities. I'm an ABC; I have no emotional attachment (and never have). I have never felt the need (nor want to) ask them for advice.

I think I would be much closer with my parents if they weren't divorced. It's hard to spend enough time with them when I have to divide the time. They're both so eager to play happy family with their new partners that we never really get to talk privately, and anything I tell them will be immediately told to their new spouse. So there is a distance there and always will be.

Being aware of my own issues and conditioning, as well as patterns from growing up in a dysfunctional environment, so I could avoid reenacting them as much as possible as a parent when she was younger.

Listening, being non-reactive and non-judgmental, accepting and loving her no matter what. Making suggestions, but knowing she is an adult and it’s her life to live.

Anonymous wrote:Respect them as separate human beings and accept that they may be making different decisions than you would under the same circumstances. And that’s ok, and it goes both ways.

I wish my mom had been like this. As an adult she even told me that part of what caused the tension between us was that she was annoyed I was different from her and would choose/do things differently than what she would have done (nothing bad).

Respect them as separate human beings and accept that they may be making different decisions than you would under the same circumstances. And that’s ok, and it goes both ways.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not close to my parents. In addition to being very (over) reactionary to anything I tried to share, they also had a lot of personal problems throughout my childhood and continuing into my adulthood. It felt like they never had time for a genuine relationship or anything beyond logistics and checking the boxes on things like making sure we did "the holidays." They were always overwhelmed, mostly with problems of their own making.

I don't make very much time for them, because they didn't make time for me or my sibling. I do the bare minimum and so does my sister.

My advice would be to really be present with your kids and enjoy the moment. I always felt like one line item on a never-ending to-do list and I hated it.

I had a similar experience and wound up with a very perfunctory, emotionally distant relationship with them as an adult. They often came to me with their problems, seeking sympathy or advice, but I never felt like I could go to them. I earned early in adulthood that if I did try to lean on them for emotional support, they would often turn it around to make it about them and I would end up supporting them in my time of need.

As a parent, I have sought to always "be the adult" even as my kid gets older. I don't know yet if it will lead to more closeness in adulthood, but if we are distant, it won't be because I have forced her to parent and support me while not offering her support and guidance when she needs/wants it.

My elderly dad is increasingly judgmental and pedantic, but he’s always trying. That counts for a lot.

Stopped parenting them once they hit college (unless they need it). I had one parent who still tried to parent me until I was in my 30s and I think it affected our relationship. My other parent was fun and just tried to be my friend. Other parent trusted that I was doing everything right (I was). In my mind you have 18 years to parent and then once they fly the coop, you need to transition to being their friend and supporting their choices.