Anonymous wrote:You know, he is 90. He is making poor decisions but they are his to make.

My elderly family member chose to stop taking her medication that helped prevent strokes. So 8 months later, she had a stroke and died. Her choice and we had to respect it.

Your father is telling you both he is done.

This.
Stop sending him to hospitals and rehabs and let him do what he wants to do.

OP, see if you and brother can get him to consider an assisted living apartment. The kind where he has his own unit, but they have housekeeping and like one or two meals a day in a dining room. It's expensive but you mentioned it might not be an issue.

If not, you guys might need to hire a homecare place to come in a few/several times a week. Be aware that it is as expensive as the assisted living IME.

Your brother needs to be POA and get on all the drs HIIPA/contact paperwork. This is so they can all talk to him/he can talk to them. Brother will need to be the set of ears at appointments-when my dad was declining, me or my mom had to 'hear' everything at the drs, dad could not actually understand it all although he could literally hear.

Brother (and you via phone) need to talk to the rehab social worker to plan discharge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is little you can do. He is legally able to make his own decisions. Maybe get him a med alert bracelet so you can be notified if he falls and emt comes.

Yeah I think we are doing a smart watch because it can monitor his Afib.

I feel so much guilt i cant help more, but my brother has been amazing. I just worry about my brother too..

I just responded and then saw this.
I was the sibling who was home. It felt like the other siblings were just waiting for a funeral announcement, honestly. That made me feel very alone.

Get on a plane and go visit. It might be the last time you see your dad. Check on your brother too. You can't offer much but you can do something besides hand wringing.

Sounds so easy right? I am not the PP but my parents were cross country and it cost a grand or more every time I went

You will travel for the funeral, right? You would feel compelled to go to the funeral, no question.
We just buried my dad. Visit them when they're alive and skip the funeral. If money's tight, I can't make that better. I guess give them a call.

Anonymous wrote:I do keep checking in on my brother and he keeps telling me it is fine (but does talk to me about being overwhelemed). I can go visit though (was planning too for my dad's bday in August but can go sooner). Any suggestions on how to better support my brother, I will gladly take those too.

Lucky my dad has a will/trust/advanced directive. He did that 20 years ago. I will look into getting a POA that we can use now too. He gave my brother access to all.of his doctor record portals so we can follow up.

I think he is coming around to a caregiver (at least i hope) . I know we can hire someone to take him to doctors appointments but can they attend the appointments too? If my dad consents? I was not sure it folks were willing to do that..

Yes, you can have a caregiver take him and have them put you on speakerphone. I "attended" all of my dad's pre-surgery appointments this way, from 5K miles away and was able to ask questions of the doctor. I flew in for the surgery.

Anonymous wrote:OP - it sounds like rather than calling it a caregiver, see if you could find a housekeeper
to come twice a week to prepare some meals/freezing some single potions in dish to warm up and note how to do so, do laundry, take him out shopping for food weekly. Also hire a service to clean every other week. The houdekeeper would be a care reporter to your brother on how he is doing.

If you go out, you could also do research on local care agencies and share services provided and fees for future use to your brother. Also at 90 look at options on assisted living and nursing care. If he has the funds and your brother is overwhelmed, see if there are any elder care managers who could be hired to coordinate any services.

I think they need both a caregiver and a housekeeper. We started with the housekeeper route for my 88 year old mother, she forgot to eat the food, got confused by who this person was in her house, she started hiding things like dirty clothes and dishes so the women wouldn't wash them. The housekeeper felt useless and didn't want to continue working for us. Finding a caregiver who can help with medications, well-being checks and really assess the situation in collaboration with your brother will likely give you the best coverage. I think it would be important to show support for your brother by going to visit, for starters you can see for your own eyes what is happening, the two of you can have a real- heart to heart about what to do next and you might be able to visit assisted living facilities or interview caregivers together.