Anonymous
05/16/2026 18:06
Subject: Stay at home mom
You might end up not being a mom at all if you make this the hill to die on.
Anonymous
05/16/2026 17:57
Subject: Stay at home mom
Look, if you're like "I want this! Pay for it! I'm clueless about money!" Then you're going to come across as very entitled. If you went into the discussion talking about how you've been frugal and saved money to help make this possible, then it may go better.
Remember that lots of men do not actually think this is better for the kids. Or at least not for their specific kids. Or not when implemented by you specifically. In that case just break up.
Remember that lots of men do not actually think this is better for the kids. Or at least not for their specific kids. Or not when implemented by you specifically. In that case just break up.
Anonymous
05/16/2026 17:40
Subject: Stay at home mom
Most of the SAHMs I know backed into the decision – it wasn’t always the plan. It was not the plan in my case, but it ended up just making sense. It can be very hard to return to the workforce after time away.
Anonymous
05/16/2026 17:39
Subject: Stay at home mom
https://www.drpsychmom.com/why-men-criticize-their-sahm-wives/
It's a big risk for him. Way less total earnings for the family, and on top of that, if you divorce he's going to have way less saving and owe alimony. And since you're willing to be middle-class, if he's not, then anything nicer for the kids will have to be earned by him alone.
It's a big risk for him. Way less total earnings for the family, and on top of that, if you divorce he's going to have way less saving and owe alimony. And since you're willing to be middle-class, if he's not, then anything nicer for the kids will have to be earned by him alone.
Anonymous
05/16/2026 17:36
Subject: Stay at home mom
It sounds like he does not value what SAHMs do. And being a SAHM married to a man who doesn't value it is pretty hellish. He'll treat you like his errand girl, he'll be condescending, and he'll say you're boring to justify his cheating. In the divorce you'll get assets and maybe a little alimony but building your earning capacity with a weak resume in your 40s is an absolute nightmare.
I would continue being up-front about what you want, but educate yourself about money and stop saying dumb stuff about how things were in the 90s. And really, really consider whether conservative men are worth the tradeoffs. Some of them won't *say* what they really think, but what they really want is submission and obedience and lots and lots of control.
I would continue being up-front about what you want, but educate yourself about money and stop saying dumb stuff about how things were in the 90s. And really, really consider whether conservative men are worth the tradeoffs. Some of them won't *say* what they really think, but what they really want is submission and obedience and lots and lots of control.
Anonymous
05/16/2026 17:33
Subject: Stay at home mom
Unfortunately the standard is now that you work FT and handle all logistics, planning etc.
I don’t recommend having kids unless you go in with eyes wide open about this.
Even if your husband is supportive of you staying home, it’s a terrible move because it places you in a precarious position.
I don’t recommend having kids unless you go in with eyes wide open about this.
Even if your husband is supportive of you staying home, it’s a terrible move because it places you in a precarious position.
Anonymous
05/16/2026 17:33
Subject: Stay at home mom
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are men who want this but they might not be attractive to you in other ways.
Men are generally turned off by laziness. It’s a lot to take on the sole breadwinner role in this economy.
Being a stay at home mom is not lazy. It’s a tough job, tougher than a 9-5 in many ways.
He might *think* it's lazy even if it's not. And it's lazy if you're willing to do a bad job of it. If OP's plan is to raise kids middle class 1990s style, yeah, that's not going to be appealing.
Anonymous
05/16/2026 17:31
Subject: Stay at home mom
Anonymous wrote:There are men who want this but they might not be attractive to you in other ways.
Men are generally turned off by laziness. It’s a lot to take on the sole breadwinner role in this economy.
Being a stay at home mom is not lazy. It’s a tough job, tougher than a 9-5 in many ways.
Anonymous
05/16/2026 17:30
Subject: Stay at home mom
I think men who want this badly enough to agree to it up-front are sometimes really off-putting in other ways. Really think about whether you want this. For example, men like this may feel strongly about raising the kids in their specific religion, even if that's not how you were raised.
It doesn't seem like you're very knowledgeable about about the financial piece here. It's WAY harder for a middle-class family to "make it work" than it used to be, especially in the DC area. You won't be able to persuade him if you can't make a strong case for it. Just waving your hands and saying it was fine in the 90s doesn't get the job done. And honestly you probably weren't aware of how hard it was for your parents and what sacrifices are made. Being an adult means really facing up to that kind of thing.
It doesn't seem like you're very knowledgeable about about the financial piece here. It's WAY harder for a middle-class family to "make it work" than it used to be, especially in the DC area. You won't be able to persuade him if you can't make a strong case for it. Just waving your hands and saying it was fine in the 90s doesn't get the job done. And honestly you probably weren't aware of how hard it was for your parents and what sacrifices are made. Being an adult means really facing up to that kind of thing.
Anonymous
05/16/2026 17:27
Subject: Re:Stay at home mom
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Just lie, and stay home when their born.
This is the move, OP. Why make a problem so soon before something happens?
Yeah, entering into a marriage intent on a big lie is going to go swell.
Anonymous
05/16/2026 17:23
Subject: Re:Stay at home mom
I let my DH know on our second date. He was thrilled because he wanted a SAHM wife but women here tend to be so career-oriented he was afraid to scare them off. Ultimately, you are choosing a more traditional marriage (and someone with similar traditional views) than an egalitarian one. There’s pros and cons to both, but similar views lead to a happier, more stable marriage. I would encourage you to make your views known early on in a new relationship.
Anonymous
05/16/2026 17:22
Subject: Stay at home mom
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He’s worried that you’ll be a SAHM forever. Unless one spouse is making a really high income or you have family money it’s going to be tight to run a household with 3 kids.
OP here.
My mom was a SAHM. My dad was just middle class. They made it work.
Wake up and smell the coffee. We’re not in the 70s or 80s.
Anonymous
05/16/2026 17:16
Subject: Stay at home mom
Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend (32) and I (30) just ended our relationship. I’m really heartbroken. We had been together for a year and were even discussing getting engaged and married. We talked about having kids too. We both want to have kids (2 and maybe 3).
I don’t want to put my kids in daycare. I want to be a stay-at-home mom until they start school.
He doesn’t agree with this plan. We both have jobs and earn about the same amount. I believe we could manage on one income.
After two months of arguing about this, we decided to break up.
This isn’t the first time I’ve ended a relationship because the guy wasn’t okay with the idea of me being a SAHM.
There are a lot of SAHM on this board. I really need your advice. How did you persuade your husband to let you stay home?
A friend told me to not bring it up while dating because it will scare men. She recommended waiting until after I’m married and have kids. She said that they will be open up to it once they have children. Is that the right approach
Are there still guys out there in the dating world who are okay with that?
Where do I find them?
lol!
When I was dating my husband he said he’d like kids, so did I. We got married and I just assumed I’d keep working. We moved and it took me about 6 months to find a new job - during that time DH suggested we just have a baby and I could stay home. No way!!! Then I got an awesome job and finally had a kid. DH again brought up me staying home FT. No way!!! I stayed home 4 months, then he stayed home 4 months, then we had a FT nanny.
OP - some men literally don’t care. Mine just wanted to support whatever my decision was. So glad I didn’t become a SAHM - sounds like a nightmare whenever I talk to my family and friends who’ve made this choice. Not for me!
If you want this - just find a nice man to have a baby with and nudge but don’t push the issue. If I’d even thought of bringing this up when we were dating my husband would’ve run for the hills. It just wasn’t a conversation for us at that time. It came up naturally later, when the time was right.
Anonymous
05/16/2026 17:10
Subject: Stay at home mom
My mothers in law , my sister in law & I are stay at home Mom. I told my husband while we were dating that one day I will want to stay home after marry. He said that he has no problem but I have to make sure I will never regret my choice when I get older. I staying staying home 23 years of 27 years of marriage. So far, I have no regret. I am happy but we can save 2/3 times more if I work. Our saving is very good. You should say what you like while dating earlier on. Should not lie. Yes, more pressure on my husband as sole earner.
Anonymous
05/16/2026 17:10
Subject: Stay at home mom
Husband and I both have SAHM’s
That made it super easy