OP here - thanks to all the moms who commiserated and gave advice - so incredibly helpful and wonderful to feel like i'm in good company. to the posters who say i shouldn't take DD to restaurants; in my opinion, that's one venue in which kids can be taught how to behave. 80% of the time we make it through entire meals at nicer places than chicken out without so much as a hitch, and 20% of the time, something happens... my point was not to say that this is a chronic problem at restaurants, but to point out an incident at a restaurant that got me wound up (and DH was helping and working on not throwing with DD; i just got so pissed that i had to intervene - i know, not helpful - next time, i will go to the bathroom)

And to the poster who says she has no sympathy b/c i have help, well, since you know nothing about me, you don't know that i am in very demanding male-dominated field and i'm doing really, really, really well. well enough that i can take one day off every week and still maintain my full-time status and well enough that i can leave work WHENEVER i want. i have a part-time nanny to cover the hours i work, and grandparents to take over the occasional day that work spills over past nap time, and a lady who comes and cooks once every couple of weeks so that when i get home, at 3 or 2 or 4, my time belongs to my DD.

and PP, you also don't know what my husband's financial situation is: would you have more sympathy if you found out he was working a job he loved with little pay? Or less sympathy if you found out he was a partner at a major law firm? or more sympathy if he was laid off recently and deeply depressed?

since you don't - and can't - know who i am, maybe you should focus on seeing if you can provide useful advice for the problem at hand - a third-trimester pregnant lady who's big and fat and slow and tired and can't keep up with her toddler and its making her mad.

that might have been helpful.

There are also great discipine workshops at Parenting Playgroups in Virginia.

you had my sympathy until you mentioned the nanny, cook, grandparents. ....please. how much time do you really have to put in with your kids/family? get over yourself.

Hang in there. YOu sound tired. My first question is why didn't your husband handle it in the restaurant? If he's not going to handle it, then maybe he should dial back on the judgement. You wouldn't have questions a straightforward, loud no in your kitchen, you're only questioning it cuz it was out in public. You just have to get through the next few weeks. TEMPORARY. That's what this.

As far as next time, you have to remove yourself from the situation. Next time, I would say "Excuse me, I have to go to the restroom, plz handle this" to my husband. And go take a few deep breaths.

I did this alot my last trimester with my second with a 20 month old in tow. I let my husband know that this is exactly how he could help me with the pregnancy, and with that agreement he really rose to the occassion, and felt good that he was pitching in.

HANG IN THERE!!!!!!!! IT"S ALMOST OVER!!!!!!!!

I screamed at my 3-year-old daughter in the midst of a wicked tantrum. We were in the car, late for preschool, with no opportunity to walk away and diffuse. I also have been a wreck about it ever since, especially because I know how counterproductive it is to lose control. We all know we're supposed to be the calm in the storm, but that's easier said than done sometimes. Don't beat yourself up, just keep trying to control your anger. Thanks to this thread, I've signed up for the PEP anger management class in a few weeks, too. Think of this as an opportunity to become a better person than you've ever been for the sake of your kids and yourself. Parenthood is hard work that requires personal growth and self discovery. Just like any endeavor worth doing.

Not to take the thread over but I am in the same boat as you OP - perhaps worse! I have three under three and one of my two year olds (twins) is pushing my buttons so badly, that I have found myself yelling at him quite a bit in the last few weeks. I feel so guilty for it but I can't help it. I remain calm, calm, calm and then snap. I am okay when the baby is being good but he has reflux, so when he has off days, I am losing my patience really quickly. Plus it does not help that the baby has not slept for more than four hours straight since his birth 15 weeks ago. Yesterday was the worst and I had to call my dh home from work becasue I found myself shouting "Shut Up" in his face. The baby had finally settled after a bad few hours and his screaming when I had to put him in a time out woke him - I just snapped. I have not stopped thinking about it since.

Our pan of action currently is : We are going to hire a sleep consultant for the baby to help with getting more sleep for myself and also I am going to sign up with PEP's Anger Management Class which starts shortly.

Does anyone else have any more advice? And please no-one rail against me for screaming that at him - I have been in tears about it ever since.

Thanks!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"To put this in perspective: if you sometimes can't control your temper or emotions, and you are a grown up, imagine what a young toddler must feel like. We can't have expectations for them that are beyond those of ourself."

This is one of the best, most succinct reminders that I've read on this board in a long time and I will definitely be remembering it.

"If you are dumb enough to try and eat a sit down meal with a food throwing toddler at a restaurant, you are leaving early."

This was not. Jerk.

I have to say it is good advice, why set yourself up for failure? If you're child isn't at the point that they can behave at a restaurant then WHY take them out? It's common sense.

Because it's mean to call someone dumb for trying to have dinner with her family. Jerk.

Anonymous wrote:You have a nanny, maid, and part-time cook and still get that angry and are unable to control it? Number one. Stop fighting battles that aren't worth fighting. Throwing food? One time and the meal is over. If you are home, take her out of the high chair and tell her firmly. Food on the tray. Not on the floor. If you are dumb enough to try and eat a sit down meal with a food throwing toddler at a restaurant, you are leaving early. If she is hitting, pushing, kicking your stomach, your attention is removed from her. No hitting. No pushing. No kicking. That hurts. If she does this when you are carrying her someplace, stop carrying her. Make her walk or put her in a stroller or back pack. Number two. Get some help that allows you to refrain from losing it. It will only get worse with two.

Aside from the snarky first sentence, I think this is good advice. It sounds like some behavior needs to stopped before it escalates to the point you describe. Maybe your toddler needs firmer consequences and limits rather than just to be told 'no.' Some kids are just that way. Like mine. (-:

This is something I picked up from DH - when he felt like he was about to blow, he started a tickle-game. It inevitably ended in giggles (from both DD and DH). Don't beat yourself up too much. I have two (2.5 and 4.5) and I lose it with one of them almost daily. I'm working on it, but it's a process... You're still probably doing way more good things than bad ones.

Anonymous wrote:Imagine you're being videotaped and will have to watch it back with your spouse, your child as an adult and most everyone else you know. It's weird, but just thinking about this makes me observe myself objectively and rein it in.

The other thing I do is remind myself in the moment (sometimes out loud) that she's a two year old and this is just what normal two year olds do.

Good luck!

Yep. this is what I do too. I also imagine my ex using video of me in court. Keeps me on my best, best behavior.

OP, I would also give yourself a break on the anger because of pregnancy. Some people get weepy in pregnancy, some people experience more or more intense anger. I did.

Of course, as you clearly know, that doesn't mean you want to show your anger to your child. That's why you asked this question. But I do think you should give yourself a break on having the emotion while running high on pregnancy hormones.

Anonymous wrote:"To put this in perspective: if you sometimes can't control your temper or emotions, and you are a grown up, imagine what a young toddler must feel like. We can't have expectations for them that are beyond those of ourself."

This is one of the best, most succinct reminders that I've read on this board in a long time and I will definitely be remembering it.

"If you are dumb enough to try and eat a sit down meal with a food throwing toddler at a restaurant, you are leaving early."

This was not. Jerk.

I have to say it is good advice, why set yourself up for failure? If you're child isn't at the point that they can behave at a restaurant then WHY take them out? It's common sense.

"To put this in perspective: if you sometimes can't control your temper or emotions, and you are a grown up, imagine what a young toddler must feel like. We can't have expectations for them that are beyond those of ourself."

This is one of the best, most succinct reminders that I've read on this board in a long time and I will definitely be remembering it.

"If you are dumb enough to try and eat a sit down meal with a food throwing toddler at a restaurant, you are leaving early."

This was not. Jerk.

op here: really appreciate the advice and love the idea about singing - i truly think i do over-estimate how much she can understand and treat her as my equal in those bad moments...

How about you walk away and defuse? Turn around and walk away, go into another room, distance yourself from the toddler.