Anonymous wrote:And no, he is not on the spectrum. He has a major league executive dysfunction problem combined with a laissez faire/ "who, me?" attitude.And it's always external forces, always someone else's problem/responsibility/mistake. Not him.

It sounds like he is trying to avoid shame and preserve his dignity in the face of an overwhelming problem. Kids say they don't care, but really they do, they just don't know how to solve the problem and they are ashamed and try to save face.

Welcome to my world. My 2E ADHD/ASD/etc kid is 21 and he blew his chances at finding an internship this summer. He literally forgot to check his email for a week, and did not respond to an offer for an interview. While he's worked and improved on a lot of issues, he still has so many.

It's a long, hard, road, OP. I have episodes of leaning in, then pulling back, because I need to take care of my own health. My blood pressure rises to deeply unhealthy levels when I have to deal with his problems... however, the goal is financial independence for him, which means not presenting like a clown, acceptable personal hygiene, a minimum of social skills, and you know... checking his bloody email!

Big hugs, OP. It's in your interest to not have a failure-to-launch kid. This is what I'm trying to avoid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The clothing and hygiene thing suggests sensory issues. Have you had that looked into?

He has some sensory issues, mostly around sounds. When he was younger he wanted fabrics to be soft like a lot of boys but that is better now.

I suspect sensory is driving the clothes and the hygiene.

You need to de-escalate your relationship by picking the highest priorities and dropping the rope on others. Stop hassling him constantly. Stop crying, punishing, yelling, begging, etc. Do that for a few weeks and then see if he's willing to explain to you his reasoning for wearing dirty clothes. There may be a reason!

Sensory is not driving any of it. It is all cognitive and character. He does not see anything or any obvious areas of low function.

I definitely do not believe that. Who would want to be stinky if they could easily avoid it?

Is he on the spectrum?

He is not stinky yet. But, you do not seem to understand the type of person he is. Who would want to be wearing pants that are too short, jackets that are too big, collars that aren't buttoned, clothes from the dirty hamper, jackets and ties that have food stains on them? Who wants to show up with greasy hair and smelly feet? Him. He would. He simply has no internal standards or sense or self-presentation.

Well, does he actually have a sense of smell? Start there. Some people are born without it.

He sounds on the spectrum. This is a social behavior issue and if he cannot understand the social reasons and social consequences, he has a social skills problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Have you and ds participated in transition planning at school via his IEP? Has vocational rehabilitation been raised as an option? He is legally supposed to be involved in his IEP planning.

His future may not be the future YOU see for him. Doesn't mean it won't be fulfulling and substantial.

He does not have an IEP. He is in a private school that offers tons of support that he does not avail himself of, and allows him to make up work.

Perhaps it isn't the right kind of support and you need to help him obtain the kind of support that is relevant to his needs.

Anonymous wrote:And no, he is not on the spectrum. He has a major league executive dysfunction problem combined with a laissez faire/ "who, me?" attitude.And it's always external forces, always someone else's problem/responsibility/mistake. Not him.

Well, I'm not so sure that's true.

You seem very rigid and resistant to more flexible thinking, yourself. Maybe reflect on that.

Anonymous wrote: Have you and ds participated in transition planning at school via his IEP? Has vocational rehabilitation been raised as an option? He is legally supposed to be involved in his IEP planning.

His future may not be the future YOU see for him. Doesn't mean it won't be fulfulling and substantial.

He does not have an IEP. He is in a private school that offers tons of support that he does not avail himself of, and allows him to make up work.

And no, he is not on the spectrum. He has a major league executive dysfunction problem combined with a laissez faire/ "who, me?" attitude.And it's always external forces, always someone else's problem/responsibility/mistake. Not him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The clothing and hygiene thing suggests sensory issues. Have you had that looked into?

He has some sensory issues, mostly around sounds. When he was younger he wanted fabrics to be soft like a lot of boys but that is better now.

I suspect sensory is driving the clothes and the hygiene.

You need to de-escalate your relationship by picking the highest priorities and dropping the rope on others. Stop hassling him constantly. Stop crying, punishing, yelling, begging, etc. Do that for a few weeks and then see if he's willing to explain to you his reasoning for wearing dirty clothes. There may be a reason!

Sensory is not driving any of it. It is all cognitive and character. He does not see anything or any obvious areas of low function.

I definitely do not believe that. Who would want to be stinky if they could easily avoid it?

Is he on the spectrum?

He is not stinky yet. But, you do not seem to understand the type of person he is. Who would want to be wearing pants that are too short, jackets that are too big, collars that aren't buttoned, clothes from the dirty hamper, jackets and ties that have food stains on them? Who wants to show up with greasy hair and smelly feet? Him. He would. He simply has no internal standards or sense or self-presentation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The clothing and hygiene thing suggests sensory issues. Have you had that looked into?

He has some sensory issues, mostly around sounds. When he was younger he wanted fabrics to be soft like a lot of boys but that is better now.

I suspect sensory is driving the clothes and the hygiene.

You need to de-escalate your relationship by picking the highest priorities and dropping the rope on others. Stop hassling him constantly. Stop crying, punishing, yelling, begging, etc. Do that for a few weeks and then see if he's willing to explain to you his reasoning for wearing dirty clothes. There may be a reason!

There is no reason. He just cannot be bothered to care.

Take away everything you don't want him to wear, including the dirty clothes, and see what he does.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The clothing and hygiene thing suggests sensory issues. Have you had that looked into?

He has some sensory issues, mostly around sounds. When he was younger he wanted fabrics to be soft like a lot of boys but that is better now.

I suspect sensory is driving the clothes and the hygiene.

You need to de-escalate your relationship by picking the highest priorities and dropping the rope on others. Stop hassling him constantly. Stop crying, punishing, yelling, begging, etc. Do that for a few weeks and then see if he's willing to explain to you his reasoning for wearing dirty clothes. There may be a reason!

Sensory is not driving any of it. It is all cognitive and character. He does not see anything or any obvious areas of low function.

I definitely do not believe that. Who would want to be stinky if they could easily avoid it?

Is he on the spectrum?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The clothing and hygiene thing suggests sensory issues. Have you had that looked into?

He has some sensory issues, mostly around sounds. When he was younger he wanted fabrics to be soft like a lot of boys but that is better now.

I suspect sensory is driving the clothes and the hygiene.

You need to de-escalate your relationship by picking the highest priorities and dropping the rope on others. Stop hassling him constantly. Stop crying, punishing, yelling, begging, etc. Do that for a few weeks and then see if he's willing to explain to you his reasoning for wearing dirty clothes. There may be a reason!

Sensory is not driving any of it. It is all cognitive and character. He does not see anything or any obvious areas of low function.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The clothing and hygiene thing suggests sensory issues. Have you had that looked into?

He has some sensory issues, mostly around sounds. When he was younger he wanted fabrics to be soft like a lot of boys but that is better now.

I suspect sensory is driving the clothes and the hygiene.

You need to de-escalate your relationship by picking the highest priorities and dropping the rope on others. Stop hassling him constantly. Stop crying, punishing, yelling, begging, etc. Do that for a few weeks and then see if he's willing to explain to you his reasoning for wearing dirty clothes. There may be a reason!

There is no reason. He just cannot be bothered to care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The clothing and hygiene thing suggests sensory issues. Have you had that looked into?

He has some sensory issues, mostly around sounds. When he was younger he wanted fabrics to be soft like a lot of boys but that is better now.

I suspect sensory is driving the clothes and the hygiene.

You need to de-escalate your relationship by picking the highest priorities and dropping the rope on others. Stop hassling him constantly. Stop crying, punishing, yelling, begging, etc. Do that for a few weeks and then see if he's willing to explain to you his reasoning for wearing dirty clothes. There may be a reason!

Anonymous wrote:The clothing and hygiene thing suggests sensory issues. Have you had that looked into?

He has some sensory issues, mostly around sounds. When he was younger he wanted fabrics to be soft like a lot of boys but that is better now.

Have you and ds participated in transition planning at school via his IEP? Has vocational rehabilitation been raised as an option? He is legally supposed to be involved in his IEP planning.

His future may not be the future YOU see for him. Doesn't mean it won't be fulfulling and substantial.