Anonymous wrote:Something in her life experience will teach her this lesson. Is she self-aware of this trait, and does she herself want to change it? I'd keep it low-key unless she wants you to help.

+1.

Sometimes people just mature out of it, but usually someone has to personally experience a bad outcome because of their behavior, for the lesson to be learned.

Anonymous wrote:For years I have been working with DD on how to be kinder or phrasing thinks nicer to others. She has a very curt “that’s stupid or that’s dumb, why can’t you just ___,” frank personality that can easily offend others. She does this either way friends and family. It’s just a facet of her personality.

I’ve lost the word that I am thinking of but does this continue always as adults?

I challenge the notice that personality is something fixed. It’s something that she does now. You’ve done what you can do to try and guide her to an alternate way of communicating and she’s chosen not to comply.

She’s got a long life ahead of her and she can and will change when it becomes necessary for her to do so.

In general her style is reactionary and rigid, which can be off-putting. Certainly sounds like it is to you. You can share with her how you receive it, accepting that she she may respond defensively at first because moms and daughters are almost biological programmes to trigger each other

There is a difference between being blunt and being an obnoxious brat. Op's daughter seems to fall under the second category. It's one thing to ask someone 'Why didnt'you?' and another to call them dumb and stupid. Jeez

It took time, but yes my DS is worlds better as an adult (late 20s). He now navigates social situations very well, actually. It's kind of amazing.

I was also pretty outspoken as a teenager and young adult, and I too got better at curbing my tongue as I got older.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would her personality be more inline if she lived in Germany?

No. Germans are frank and direct, but not rude and disrespectful. Nice stereotyping though.

Exactly. There is a huge difference between “it’s stupid” and “I don’t think it’s going to work”.

Anonymous wrote:Doubtful. Is she neurodiverse?

A single person can be "non-neurotypical" or "autistic" or "neuro-spicy" or "neurodivergent," but not "neurodiverse."

I mean, have you ever actually told her that how she talks is unacceptable? Has she ever had a consequence for being mean?

Or are you doing the toddler equivalent of “gentle hand” reminders when the kid is wailing on their little brother and hoping you don’t have to actually parent?

Saying ; “Would you like to try that again?”
Helped my DS with similar curt responses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years I have been working with DD on how to be kinder or phrasing thinks nicer to others. She has a very curt “that’s stupid or that’s dumb, why can’t you just ___,” frank personality that can easily offend others. She does this either way friends and family. It’s just a facet of her personality.

I’ve lost the word that I am thinking of but does this continue always as adults?

She should go through rush in college. I was the same way. The rush experience (as a rushee and as a member) taught me so much about social graces. I am not a huge greek system proponent but I have to say this was a key thing for me.

Ah yes the southern charm ability to be two-faced and think you’re fooling anyone with a brain or anyone genuine.

Mine learned how to tone it down. Especially in business settings. But the bluntness is still in there. Reserved for the people closest to her.

Anonymous wrote:Would her personality be more inline if she lived in Germany?

No. Germans are frank and direct, but not rude and disrespectful. Nice stereotyping though.

People change all the time. The question is more along the lines of does my kid have ADHD or is somewhere on the autism spectrum and doesn't pick up on social cues? That's teachable for most. These kids are processing information differently than most. There's nothing morally wrong. Just a different brain. And they may need some extra guidance about how to navigate things.

If this is an otherwise "normal" kid, life has a way of making things unpleasant for unpleasant people. Most people pick up on that pretty early. But consequences are the motivator here. Don't shield her from consequences. She needs to internalize these things. And when things are unpleasant enough, the behavior is likely to change.

Anonymous wrote:Something in her life experience will teach her this lesson. Is she self-aware of this trait, and does she herself want to change it? I'd keep it low-key unless she wants you to help.

+1

Would her personality be more inline if she lived in Germany?

Op, your responsibility lessens tremendously because they go out in the world and others react. Your young adult adjusts. Not because of lessons learned from parents but because they are interacting with other adults, and need to get along in the world of other adults.