Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I made bad mistakes. I got married to two awful men, and I regret it everyday. Marriage a third time isn’t off the table. I don’t want to be single, like the benefits of marriage, and want to be married to the right person. But I will have tell my 17yo, that she doesn’t need to know about this, and try to get her help, thanks.

Please don’t. This was my mother- can’t be alone, always needs a man. Her divorce to second husband was when I was a senior in HS and it was terrible- very uprooting at a pivotal time in my life. The subsequent dating and haste to find third husband pretty much ruined our relationship. She did find him, it was even worse, and then divorced again. And remarried again..

Just focus on your daughter, tell her the information pertaining to her safety and security. Give dating a long, long break. Focus on supporting her as she graduates and get off to college, and supporting her through that transition. Be the safe and comfortable place she can come home from college breaks- or anytime to. Do not move a man in. Do not remarry.

Something similar happened to a family friend. Please understand how devastating it is to a girl's self-esteem (and her future romantic relationships) to have a mother who prioritizes men over her daughter. Whether the mom is married to the men or is just in pursuit of the men, it takes a MASSIVE toll when you feel you are constantly the second priority and that you cannot compete. The (a) man's attention always wins in the mom's eyes. It's horrible.

Anonymous wrote:I know I made bad mistakes. I got married to two awful men, and I regret it everyday. Marriage a third time isn’t off the table. I don’t want to be single, like the benefits of marriage, and want to be married to the right person. But I will have tell my 17yo, that she doesn’t need to know about this, and try to get her help, thanks.

Please don’t. This was my mother- can’t be alone, always needs a man. Her divorce to second husband was when I was a senior in HS and it was terrible- very uprooting at a pivotal time in my life. The subsequent dating and haste to find third husband pretty much ruined our relationship. She did find him, it was even worse, and then divorced again. And remarried again..

Just focus on your daughter, tell her the information pertaining to her safety and security. Give dating a long, long break. Focus on supporting her as she graduates and get off to college, and supporting her through that transition. Be the safe and comfortable place she can come home from college breaks- or anytime to. Do not move a man in. Do not remarry.

Anonymous wrote:I know I made bad mistakes. I got married to two awful men, and I regret it everyday. Marriage a third time isn’t off the table. I don’t want to be single, like the benefits of marriage, and want to be married to the right person. But I will have tell my 17yo, that she doesn’t need to know about this, and try to get her help, thanks.

Was the cause of the current divorce infidelity? Which one of was unfaithful? (or possibly both?).

If it was your STBX who cheated, you can and should tell your DD about this.

My parents had (still have) an awful marriage and my mom was miserable. She told me details and this made me feel older, like a trusted friend. I spent all of high school thinking she was on the verge of leaving my dad and that I'd need to help find an apartment and part time job to support the family because she was so overwhelmed. It was far more than I was equipped to handle and has had a lasting impact on me and my relationships. Adults deal with their problems with other adults. To feel safe, kids need to understand this. When you deny her the gory details she seems to want, and you reassure her that SHE WILL BE OKAY, you are letting her know what she is trying to figure out with all of the asking.

Unless, of course, she's been witness to all of your chaos for years and is looking for anything at all that she can control, since she does not trust you to keep her safe anymore.

You can improve this situation and the relationship but you need to prioritize HER.

Anonymous wrote:I know I made bad mistakes. I got married to two awful men, and I regret it everyday. Marriage a third time isn’t off the table. I don’t want to be single, like the benefits of marriage, and want to be married to the right person. But I will have tell my 17yo, that she doesn’t need to know about this, and try to get her help, thanks.

Get it together. Maybe take a break from dating while you still are in charge of a minor. She's struggling and you are not helping.

Anonymous wrote:This poor girl is crying out for help and you’re almost mocking her behavior. This is the second time her entire life has been rocked and everything is going to change again through no fault of her own and she’s likely scared. Have some compassion for her bc she clearly doesn’t seem to feel stability. It sounds like she wants to know the details bc she likely is smarter than you. She probably is trying to figure out how the two of you will be financially, what your living situation is, etc. Maybe she’d also trying to protect you and make sure you get what you deserve financially. While this is an adult created mess, she does deserve to know details. She’s almost an adult herself. Sharing more details could also help her from going down the same mess of a path you have and not repeating the cycle.

+1. The adults in her life have now failed her twice. She will have trust issues the rest of her life. Be kind to her. Give her extra hugs and constantly reassure her that you will always be there for her, even when others come and go. And take a break from men until she and any other kids are launched.

Anonymous wrote:She needs therapy, not to know more about the details of your divorce.

Also, I hope you know that throwing toddler tantrums if she doesn’t get her way is something you need to shut down.

My teen has anxiety and cries when things are out of control, but throwing a fit when she doesn’t get her way is not normal for this age and is a conditioned response that you have allowed over the years. I understand it may have been a volatile household so it may have come from discord with your ex, but it’s time to nip it in the bud.

She asks and you don’t give her the info. She asks again and I would say “you asked and I answered” and if she throws a fit you walk away, she won’t do it as much if there’s no audience. And if she breaks something during her fit then she owes you money to fix it. And if she doesn’t have money she owes you chores. Be calm but consistent.

+1

Anonymous wrote:I know I made bad mistakes. I got married to two awful men, and I regret it everyday. Marriage a third time isn’t off the table. I don’t want to be single, like the benefits of marriage, and want to be married to the right person. But I will have tell my 17yo, that she doesn’t need to know about this, and try to get her help, thanks.

So you’ll put her through this again and again? Go to therapy and figure out why you don’t want to be alone with yourself.

This could go two ways - if you are oversharing and treating her as a friend then stop that. It’s none of her business. Assure her you will both be okay financially and keep focusing on her.

But then I’m thinking of DH, whose mother was married and divorced 3 times. The last was around that age, when he was 17, so his entire childhood he was used to his mom’s poor financial and man choices. They always had an odd dynamic where he was more of the responsible adult at an early age, questioning her every move. She thankfully didn’t remarry but never got better with money. Is it this situation?

She needs therapy, not to know more about the details of your divorce.

Also, I hope you know that throwing toddler tantrums if she doesn’t get her way is something you need to shut down.

My teen has anxiety and cries when things are out of control, but throwing a fit when she doesn’t get her way is not normal for this age and is a conditioned response that you have allowed over the years. I understand it may have been a volatile household so it may have come from discord with your ex, but it’s time to nip it in the bud.

She asks and you don’t give her the info. She asks again and I would say “you asked and I answered” and if she throws a fit you walk away, she won’t do it as much if there’s no audience. And if she breaks something during her fit then she owes you money to fix it. And if she doesn’t have money she owes you chores. Be calm but consistent.

This could be how her level of anxiety is coming out. Needing to know details, (or she thinks she needs to) child like temper tantrums. BTDT

Are you getting her any sort of help to deal with this second major disruption in her life?

This poor girl is crying out for help and you’re almost mocking her behavior. This is the second time her entire life has been rocked and everything is going to change again through no fault of her own and she’s likely scared. Have some compassion for her bc she clearly doesn’t seem to feel stability. It sounds like she wants to know the details bc she likely is smarter than you. She probably is trying to figure out how the two of you will be financially, what your living situation is, etc. Maybe she’d also trying to protect you and make sure you get what you deserve financially. While this is an adult created mess, she does deserve to know details. She’s almost an adult herself. Sharing more details could also help her from going down the same mess of a path you have and not repeating the cycle.