Anonymous wrote:You can't get PTSD unless you have experienced trauma. Trauma has a real definition, which is being put in fear of death or mayhem, or seeing the same thing happen to others. Soldier stuff.

Having something sad happen to you is not trauma.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hesitate to provide this as a data point but I might as well if it might bring OP some peace of mind.

I had what would be considered an “emotional affair” and speaking from experience, there’s no danger of it happening again. Especially not if I meet someone who has a superficial resemblance to the man I was friends with. It’s more like it would make me cringe internally if I met someone who reminded me of him. Emotional affairs are very cringey and embarrassing.

There was a confluence of factors that made that friendship cross boundaries and it had more to do with me and my marriage. The fact that an appealing, equally unhappy and somewhat selfish man was in my vicinity was like putting a lighter next to very flammable material.

If your marriage is in a better place (no flammable material), some random attractive woman isn’t likely to tempt your husband. It really depends on HIM, not external factors like temptresses showing up at work. Attractive people are everywhere and a marriage needs to be able to withstand that.

This sort of reads like you have fully processed through everything, is your marriage better now? If so what did you do to improve it? Did you tell your husband that there was a boundary violation?

Anonymous wrote:I hesitate to provide this as a data point but I might as well if it might bring OP some peace of mind.

I had what would be considered an “emotional affair” and speaking from experience, there’s no danger of it happening again. Especially not if I meet someone who has a superficial resemblance to the man I was friends with. It’s more like it would make me cringe internally if I met someone who reminded me of him. Emotional affairs are very cringey and embarrassing.

There was a confluence of factors that made that friendship cross boundaries and it had more to do with me and my marriage. The fact that an appealing, equally unhappy and somewhat selfish man was in my vicinity was like putting a lighter next to very flammable material.

If your marriage is in a better place (no flammable material), some random attractive woman isn’t likely to tempt your husband. It really depends on HIM, not external factors like temptresses showing up at work. Attractive people are everywhere and a marriage needs to be able to withstand that.

Anonymous wrote:I missed the part where OP said her husband did anything beyond having a crush on a friend. Sure, it's not great, but it's not a life altering trauma.

Have you tried having an adult conversation about how it hurt your feelings, and the secrecy was the worst part, and you want him to be able to have women friends but feel ashamed that he has to hire them,and then did you make an effort to folllow through and engage in an "emotional affair" with him?

Rough spots in a marriage are issues to work through, not just permanent steps toward walking away from it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PTSD? Texting with a women for a month is not a reason for PTSD. You have some resilience issues. This is insulting to veterans and others that have PTSD from experiencing horrific situations.

+1000000

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thank you to those who responded with insights and advice. It was helpful and I agree, I have to seek individual therapy to help me better regulate and deal with such circumstances when they arise. Started the search yesterday.

And also agree— I know deep down that I will never have the level of trust that I did pre-affair. I think I’ve just been deluding myself that we can get there again. I’m sad and resigned.

I do have my financial affairs in order, my own career and good family/friend support. It might help me to envision what practical, next steps would look like if things went south, so that I don’t feel like the rug was pulled out from under me.

The meeting was for drinks only and my husband called me as soon as it was over (a little over an hour). It was productive in that she wants to invest in his company and also will make introductions that will help his business. Obviously, not so great in that she will be in the picture more. Need to figure out how I’m going to deal.

To those who think I’m overreacting and saying PTSD is unfair to war vets—fair point, it was probably an overstatement that I used in an anxious state. But I did have a visceral reaction that tells me I need to delve deeper and figure stuff out.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thank you to those who responded with insights and advice. It was helpful and I agree, I have to seek individual therapy to help me better regulate and deal with such circumstances when they arise. Started the search yesterday.

And also agree— I know deep down that I will never have the level of trust that I did pre-affair. I think I’ve just been deluding myself that we can get there again. I’m sad and resigned.

I do have my financial affairs in order, my own career and good family/friend support. It might help me to envision what practical, next steps would look like if things went south, so that I don’t feel like the rug was pulled out from under me.

The meeting was for drinks only and my husband called me as soon as it was over (a little over an hour). It was productive in that she wants to invest in his company and also will make introductions that will help his business. Obviously, not so great in that she will be in the picture more. Need to figure out how I’m going to deal.

To those who think I’m overreacting and saying PTSD is unfair to war vets—fair point, it was probably an overstatement that I used in an anxious state. But I did have a visceral reaction that tells me I need to delve deeper and figure stuff out.