Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is in her 90's and has buried her husband, all her friends, her friend's husbands, all of her siblings and all but one of her husband's siblings. I imagine it must be quite lonely to have lost all of your friends to death and then maybe you do start to wonder about joining all of those you have lost. I'm not sure that looking at a photo album of all of those people would actually make me feel better. My mother mostly looks at all of the pictures and tells me what they died of.

This was my mom-she outlived her entire family except kids and grandkids. She also had depression for a long time. I bought a blank, lined book from the card shop and wrote down a lot of questions asking about her favorite things, opinions, anything I could think of. She’d write the answers between visits. I visited often but this gave her something different to talk about and she said she liked it.

Can you please list out some of these questions? I try to call often and we run out of things to discuss....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ Also, remember, this is about your mother, not about the siblings. I have a SIL who refuses to make anything about the elder parents. If she has traveled, then she has to do what she wants to do.

I disagree. It may be the only good deed of the mom who keeps on living, getting the kids together so that they can enjoy each other’s company without the looming depression of the mom.

Take her out but also get together without her.

I'm the PP you're responding to. I think the kids can get together. I'm talking about SIL wants to go on an hour-long drive to a place to go hiking for several hours. She and her DH (my DH's brother) are the only ones who hike, and their mother is in a wheelchair. No way she can take the long drive OR the hike. It is very clear SIL wants an excuse to get her and her DH away from having to do "boring" things with her MIL. So my DH and I take MIL to lunch and visit friends who are in other assisted living places, etc. I really don't understand why SIL and BIL spend the money to come at all. Checking a box, I suppose.

Thanks so much for all these suggestions. We're in Bethesda, and she loves, or used to love, art museums. We could take her to the National Gallery and see how it goes.
The video collage she might like, and meals out (she's a foodie).
I do have a sister, "Alice," who likes to do things that interest mainly Alice, but we'll do those separately.
I think the theater is a bridge too far...I took her to the movies recently (with subtitles, since her hearing is weak) and five minutes afterwards she had no memory of having gone to the movies...But she remembers all of our childhoods.
Don't know if she'd take an antidepressant. I'll ask. Thanks again.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she does not want anything special, but, you should still be around her and celebrate her. Maybe even do the celebrations spread out for a couple days. It is a blessing that she is still with you and does not have dementia etc. You should get several family portraits too.

I disagree about the blessing but otherwise yes

Anonymous wrote:^^^ Also, remember, this is about your mother, not about the siblings. I have a SIL who refuses to make anything about the elder parents. If she has traveled, then she has to do what she wants to do.

I disagree. It may be the only good deed of the mom who keeps on living, getting the kids together so that they can enjoy each other’s company without the looming depression of the mom.

Take her out but also get together without her.

Yes, you can spend time together without mom before/after activities with mom.

Yes, she does not want anything special, but, you should still be around her and celebrate her. Maybe even do the celebrations spread out for a couple days. It is a blessing that she is still with you and does not have dementia etc. You should get several family portraits too.

Anonymous wrote:Would she enjoy a gentle massage? Perhaps she's touch starved and could use the rejuvenation.

+ 1
When I visit my frail mom, I warm up some sesame oil and climb into her bed. Then I spread a towel and just start massaging her calves, feet, hands etc, while I am chatting with her. And I wrap the oiled and massaged areas with heated linen towels. She keeps cribbing to my siblings that I am sooooo annoying but she actually likes it very much.

Also, we make it a point to hug her all the time. We also keep her very informed about whatever is happening in everyone's lives. She lives with my eldest brother and she has family and people around her. Her quality of life is horribly compromised because she had oral cancer and lost her upper jaw and palate.

Anonymous wrote:Is she receiving any treatment for her depression? It's natural to have sadness and loneliness when you outlive most of your friends and much of your family, but depression is more than that.

This was my thought as well. Common to be depressed at this age and there are some medications that can be given even at an advanced age.

Is she receiving any treatment for her depression? It's natural to have sadness and loneliness when you outlive most of your friends and much of your family, but depression is more than that.