Anonymous wrote:Do not judge me …:

What is a promise ring?

A junior engagement ring.

OP, why don't you propose to him and buy your own ring? Why the theater of he proposes and buys you the ring you've picked out?

Have a discussion with him about the budget after you've figured out what it will cost to buy what you want. Explain that you've done the homework and confirm that he's okay with the price. Maybe even show him a picture/mock up. Be prepared to explain why you can't get that for less money elsewhere, assuming this is true. Once you are both on the same page, go to the shop together and make your selection. Have him pay. He can make the arrangements to pick it up in person once he's ready and do the proposal on his own timeline. This is pretty much what I did. Got a 2 carat lab, very clean and clear, set in platinum for about $4.5K. I then selected the wedding band. He actually wanted it to be slightly "more" than what I'd picked, and I went along with that. It's an eternity band, so the total carat weight was higher than what I'd chose, but the same setting.

Do not judge me …:

What is a promise ring?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I know lots of couples who went ring shopping together. My DH and I did and I picked out the ring/setting together. He followed up with the jeweler, picked out the stone, bought it and then planned the proposal.

OP, no I mean I pick it out on my own. I don’t want to shop together (that sounds awful by the way - my partner is not materialistic and hates shopping, and I am sloooow and would want to go everywhere and look online and read reviews, etc).

Shallow marrying Non-materialistic.

What could go wrong?

Don't be nasty.

DP-1

Too many failed marriages (involving children) on here to not notice these things and respond.

The "things important to me aren't important to him" flag is decidedly red here.

Strongly disagree. The marriages in which each person brings complementary skills are stronger than the sum of their parts. Each person needs to be mature enough to look past superficial differences. In OP's case, she is describing very superficial differences. It's great that one person in the couple is not materialistic! My husband is that way too - and has helped rein in my spending. We've learned so much from each other. Couples don't need to lots of interests in common: they need to respect the other person's interests. Big difference.

I have no worries about OP's marriage, but I do worry about the state of mind of people such as yourself, who are so ready to rain on other people's parades.

Why can't you have both?

In any event, I don't think OP's mismatch in shopping is a huge deal provided that they can agree on joint spending.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I know lots of couples who went ring shopping together. My DH and I did and I picked out the ring/setting together. He followed up with the jeweler, picked out the stone, bought it and then planned the proposal.

OP, no I mean I pick it out on my own. I don’t want to shop together (that sounds awful by the way - my partner is not materialistic and hates shopping, and I am sloooow and would want to go everywhere and look online and read reviews, etc).

Shallow marrying Non-materialistic.

What could go wrong?

Don't be nasty.

DP-1

Too many failed marriages (involving children) on here to not notice these things and respond.

The "things important to me aren't important to him" flag is decidedly red here.

Strongly disagree. The marriages in which each person brings complementary skills are stronger than the sum of their parts. Each person needs to be mature enough to look past superficial differences. In OP's case, she is describing very superficial differences. It's great that one person in the couple is not materialistic! My husband is that way too - and has helped rein in my spending. We've learned so much from each other. Couples don't need to lots of interests in common: they need to respect the other person's interests. Big difference.

I have no worries about OP's marriage, but I do worry about the state of mind of people such as yourself, who are so ready to rain on other people's parades.

OP - I was being flippant about the shallow thing. But as a woman, I do want a ring. Not even a huge one (I am particular though, I care more about setting and like antiques and craftsmanship).

I do think that people notice if you wear a ring and judge and I have a job in the public eye and I’m a woman. I do not live in a big city where people are edgy or nontraditional. I love that my partner is not materialistic (biologist) and when we are together we do outdoorsy things, I don’t wear makeup or jewelry, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I know lots of couples who went ring shopping together. My DH and I did and I picked out the ring/setting together. He followed up with the jeweler, picked out the stone, bought it and then planned the proposal.

OP, no I mean I pick it out on my own. I don’t want to shop together (that sounds awful by the way - my partner is not materialistic and hates shopping, and I am sloooow and would want to go everywhere and look online and read reviews, etc).

Shallow marrying Non-materialistic.

What could go wrong?

Don't be nasty.

DP-1

Too many failed marriages (involving children) on here to not notice these things and respond.

The "things important to me aren't important to him" flag is decidedly red here.

Strongly disagree. The marriages in which each person brings complementary skills are stronger than the sum of their parts. Each person needs to be mature enough to look past superficial differences. In OP's case, she is describing very superficial differences. It's great that one person in the couple is not materialistic! My husband is that way too - and has helped rein in my spending. We've learned so much from each other. Couples don't need to lots of interests in common: they need to respect the other person's interests. Big difference.

I have no worries about OP's marriage, but I do worry about the state of mind of people such as yourself, who are so ready to rain on other people's parades.

DP. Disagree with you. It’s great you and your DH work thru money management differences but those issues are one of the top reasons couples split up. Doesn’t sound like OP and her intended have addressed this directly. Red flag.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I know lots of couples who went ring shopping together. My DH and I did and I picked out the ring/setting together. He followed up with the jeweler, picked out the stone, bought it and then planned the proposal.

OP, no I mean I pick it out on my own. I don’t want to shop together (that sounds awful by the way - my partner is not materialistic and hates shopping, and I am sloooow and would want to go everywhere and look online and read reviews, etc).

I posted above and hadn't read this first.

I think you should do what you want if you're both in agreement. My husband wanted to be involved so he would have been offended if I had wanted to shop for it alone. If yours doesn't care, then do it.

I think the way you're proposing to do it (pun not intended) isn't the best, but my husband and I did make my rings together. He picked out some diamonds and we went in person to check them out and I chose the one I liked and then we discussed the setting, etc. with the jeweler. I wouldn't have gone to pick one out alone, which seems to be what you're suggesting, but it's not "wrong" it just seems a little...cold? But I think women should wear a ring they like, so there's no issue with having a conversation about it. And I was still surprised when my husband proposed because I didn't know when the ring arrived and honestly I didn't know he was still going to do a whole proposal but he did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I know lots of couples who went ring shopping together. My DH and I did and I picked out the ring/setting together. He followed up with the jeweler, picked out the stone, bought it and then planned the proposal.

OP, no I mean I pick it out on my own. I don’t want to shop together (that sounds awful by the way - my partner is not materialistic and hates shopping, and I am sloooow and would want to go everywhere and look online and read reviews, etc).

Shallow marrying Non-materialistic.

What could go wrong?

Don't be nasty.

DP-1

Too many failed marriages (involving children) on here to not notice these things and respond.

The "things important to me aren't important to him" flag is decidedly red here.

Strongly disagree. The marriages in which each person brings complementary skills are stronger than the sum of their parts. Each person needs to be mature enough to look past superficial differences. In OP's case, she is describing very superficial differences. It's great that one person in the couple is not materialistic! My husband is that way too - and has helped rein in my spending. We've learned so much from each other. Couples don't need to lots of interests in common: they need to respect the other person's interests. Big difference.

I have no worries about OP's marriage, but I do worry about the state of mind of people such as yourself, who are so ready to rain on other people's parades.

Anonymous wrote:I would say that you should pretend that you found a ring when you were out one day, then have the jeweler put it on hold and bring him back to show him. That way it doesn’t sound like you went out looking and it makes him feel a little more included.

So start lying even before you get married?

Anonymous wrote:I would say that you should pretend that you found a ring when you were out one day, then have the jeweler put it on hold and bring him back to show him. That way it doesn’t sound like you went out looking and it makes him feel a little more included.

I’m not getting that he is interested in being included - he isn’t a shopper, and isn’t interested in material things like engagement rings.

Why do you need a proposal if you already picked out a ring together?

I would say that you should pretend that you found a ring when you were out one day, then have the jeweler put it on hold and bring him back to show him. That way it doesn’t sound like you went out looking and it makes him feel a little more included.

All the way to Mt. Doom

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I know lots of couples who went ring shopping together. My DH and I did and I picked out the ring/setting together. He followed up with the jeweler, picked out the stone, bought it and then planned the proposal.

OP, no I mean I pick it out on my own. I don’t want to shop together (that sounds awful by the way - my partner is not materialistic and hates shopping, and I am sloooow and would want to go everywhere and look online and read reviews, etc).

Shallow marrying Non-materialistic.

What could go wrong?

Don't be nasty.

DP-1

Too many failed marriages (involving children) on here to not notice these things and respond.

The "things important to me aren't important to him" flag is decidedly red here.