There is a passage in Sylvia Plath's book, The Bell Jar where she talks about winning a scholarship and having a lunch with her benefactress. At the end of the meal they were served a finger bowl. It is basically a little saucer type bowl with maybe a lemon wedge floating in it for you to dip you fingers into to clean them off. In her case, the finger bowl had a floating flower. The young college bound Non-upper class Sylvia Plath looked at that bowl, lifted it up to her mouth, drank it and ate the little flower too. Her benefactress said nothing.
Sylvia Plath recalls this incident when she and her cohort interns from a NYC Ladies Magazine are taken to lunch by the company. By then, it had been explained to her what that bowl was for and she coolly dipped her fingers in and wiped her digits with her napkin after a lunch where they were served iceberg lettuce which was all the age in the 1950s.

I think OP's spouse needs an incident where he does not understand some formats of a meal service to then get on the learning curve.

Anonymous wrote:I know how to set a table, I own sterling silver, and enjoy fancy settings. And yet on weeknights it just doesn’t matter. It feels like a big chore to have to set the table correctly and then there’s extra cleaning.

My kids set the table 99% of the time. As long as everyone has forks, plates and a drink- it’s good enough.

+1. Same.

Men who care, figure out what's important to their partners and do it. My DH would love to eat standing in the kitchen. But he doesn't and set the table just fine after a year of living together. And it's now 15 years together and he can throw a dinner party without much input from me. Because he knew it was impotent to me, learned and now enjoys it. I go camping and sleep in the woods without cots or showers because it's important to him and he enjoys it so I participate best I can.

Stop asking him to do it. Teach the kids instead.

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

Here's the thing - this isn't a parenting need like raising kids to be kind. This is a parenting want and you're the one who wants it. As a result, you're the one who does it.

I'm a woman and the things that I care about (i.e. the pantry being organized), I do. Everyone else is fine finding what they need and they don't care how things are done. I care, so I do it.

My husband cares about certain things that I don't, so he handles those. For the things that matter, we discuss and are both involved. But place settings, especially on a daily basis, are not a hill I'd suggest dying on.

Why do so many men avoid trying to learn something simple to make their wives happy, to be a good example for their children, and to improve their own quality of life? I don’t know the reason for the resistance. They think some things are unnecessary because it’s not important to them and they’re not good at it (because they never made an effort).

It’s not about the place settings, but about whether your priorities are important to him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's low class. I always cringe when I go to someone's house and the knife or fork is on the wrong side or at a wedding and someone takes the wrong drink or bread plate at a round table and messes everyone up.

I am embarrassed for you, PP. Etiquette is not what you think it is.

It’s one thing to politely accommodate someone clueless who you see occasionally (etiquette, bless their heart!)

It’s quite another thing to live with them (momma ain’t teach them right, I’m out).

— southerner

What is he capable of doing correctly in and for the household?

Anonymous wrote:It's low class. I always cringe when I go to someone's house and the knife or fork is on the wrong side or at a wedding and someone takes the wrong drink or bread plate at a round table and messes everyone up.

I am embarrassed for you, PP. Etiquette is not what you think it is.

It was such a big deal for you that you didn’t discover this till after marriage? You need apply some logic to what you say and your life.

How is it that you're only finding this out today after being married for so long? If it's so crucial to you, why didn't you bring it up before you got married? What made you decide to marry him?

I know how to set a table, I own sterling silver, and enjoy fancy settings. And yet on weeknights it just doesn’t matter. It feels like a big chore to have to set the table correctly and then there’s extra cleaning.

My kids set the table 99% of the time. As long as everyone has forks, plates and a drink- it’s good enough.

He’s a selfish idiot.

Surely this is only the tip of the iceberg.

Good luck OP.

It's low class. I always cringe when I go to someone's house and the knife or fork is on the wrong side or at a wedding and someone takes the wrong drink or bread plate at a round table and messes everyone up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop asking him to set the table, obviously. I swear people on here nag for nagging's sake.

+1
He was raised with no manners, which is sad for him. Make sure your kids learn proper manners, so they don’t turn out like him.

Neither you nor OP understand what it truly means to have good manners…