Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Found out last year that my HS sophomore had been drinking and lied about it when caught. She was grounded for a while, and the friends she drank with were banned from the house for a while too (because they snuck alcohol in). Now, they're allowed, and she is allowed to go out in a limited capacity, but DD gets breathalyzed randomly.

When she complains, I tell her that we had many conversations around trust from a very young age, and now she's finding out that once lost, it's really difficult to get it back.

That's insane

That's not insane, it's good parenting. Good grief, I can't believe how many parents on here are just accepting that their kids will do this, or have few consequences if they do. These are kids with underdeveloped brains. Do some research. Kids who drink/do drugs/have sex earlier have worse long term outcomes than peers who do not. It's quite clear. Neither of my kids drink (yet-I'm not so naive to say they never will in HS) but if I caught them you can bet I would be randomly breathalyzing as well. It's my job. Freshman are 14 years old. That is insanely young to be heading down this path. I know of some kids in my own freshman's class who are starting with the drinking and pot and I will do everything in my power to make sure my DC avoids them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW this is pretty normal. I did the same type thing when I was a freshman. I am not an alcoholic or an addict. I also have a freshman and this is pretty common as they are getting older. My child plays on a HS sports team with older kids and they said that the older kids talk about getting wasted.
We have told our kids the same re honesty. I think you did the right thing re the lying.

No, it's not normal for high school freshman to be drinking. Don't minimize this.

OP, you're doing the right thing by treating this seriously and enacting significant consequences. Alcohol is particularly terrible for developing brains and the earlier kids drink, the higher the risk for developing problems in the future. The Addiction Inoculation by Jessica Lahey is a great book on this topic for parents.

I agree with this and it's super frustrating when people act like oh well 14 year olds get drunk or it's normal. They don't. It's not. And yes I have teens in high school.

+1. There was a big difference between the kids who regularly drank freshman year and the kids who didn't start drinking until junior/senior year. Many of the former ended up having bigger issues down the road. Whether it's a symptom or a cause of the issues, who knows. But it is not a good sign.

Yikes, freshman year? That's not a good start to high school. I know juniors and seniors who do but underclassmen who drink are not off to a good start.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have substance abuse in our family. So, my kids did not get to have a typical HS experience. They were very into academics and ECs.

Can you explain what you mean by this, please?
- OP

My guess is no parties or hanging out with friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW this is pretty normal. I did the same type thing when I was a freshman. I am not an alcoholic or an addict. I also have a freshman and this is pretty common as they are getting older. My child plays on a HS sports team with older kids and they said that the older kids talk about getting wasted.
We have told our kids the same re honesty. I think you did the right thing re the lying.

No, it's not normal for high school freshman to be drinking. Don't minimize this.

OP, you're doing the right thing by treating this seriously and enacting significant consequences. Alcohol is particularly terrible for developing brains and the earlier kids drink, the higher the risk for developing problems in the future. The Addiction Inoculation by Jessica Lahey is a great book on this topic for parents.

I agree with this and it's super frustrating when people act like oh well 14 year olds get drunk or it's normal. They don't. It's not. And yes I have teens in high school.

Anonymous wrote:We have substance abuse in our family. So, my kids did not get to have a typical HS experience. They were very into academics and ECs.

Can you explain what you mean by this, please?
- OP

We have substance abuse in our family. So, my kids did not get to have a typical HS experience. They were very into academics and ECs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Found out last year that my HS sophomore had been drinking and lied about it when caught. She was grounded for a while, and the friends she drank with were banned from the house for a while too (because they snuck alcohol in). Now, they're allowed, and she is allowed to go out in a limited capacity, but DD gets breathalyzed randomly.

When she complains, I tell her that we had many conversations around trust from a very young age, and now she's finding out that once lost, it's really difficult to get it back.

That's insane

Don't care what some rando on the internet thinks. This is the FO part of the FAFO. 15 year olds have no business drinking.

DCUM is a funny place. On the one hand, they're super judgmental about parents that are naive about teenage drinking, turn a blind eye, or facilitate drinking. On the other, they're super judgmental about parents that crack down and do their best to minimize drinking.

DP. I sort of feel like growing up in a household where parents might randomly breathalyze you would make one more likely to drink. (Or to find some other potentially more destructive way of pushing boundaries.)

I've been reading through this and thinking back to my teen years. And nothing - absolutely nothing - my parents said to me about drinking and drugs got through or made any difference to me. I just kept it up.

How can you turn this into a life lesson that actually makes a difference? Taking away the phone, ok. Grounding, ok. But what happens after that? Has anything anyone done actually made a difference in their kid's behaviors or choices? How do you know?

Anonymous wrote:FWIW this is pretty normal. I did the same type thing when I was a freshman. I am not an alcoholic or an addict. I also have a freshman and this is pretty common as they are getting older. My child plays on a HS sports team with older kids and they said that the older kids talk about getting wasted.
We have told our kids the same re honesty. I think you did the right thing re the lying.

No, it's not normal for high school freshman to be drinking. Don't minimize this.

OP, you're doing the right thing by treating this seriously and enacting significant consequences. Alcohol is particularly terrible for developing brains and the earlier kids drink, the higher the risk for developing problems in the future. The Addiction Inoculation by Jessica Lahey is a great book on this topic for parents.

Thanks so much to everyone for sharing your experiences here. I've been learning a LOT the past couple days. And so has DD. It's very clear how much she doesn't like this new feeling of not being trusted, so I'm hopeful that be one big help as we work to guide ourselves forward from this event.

- OP

Super difficult. Trying to hold the line and continuing to talk about your experience will hopefully be helpful

Kids in my DDs class were having basement parties as freshmen and drinking. Completely unacceptable so we didn’t allow anymore of those parties and daughter was angry bc the kids excluded her. ‘

Daughter is a junior now and driving. We have been clear no drinking and driving and we expect a call or taking an uber and never getting in a car w friend who is drinking. A call or uber is better than risking hers and others lives in the road.

We all know kids will drink and it’s really hard to expect they will comply with our expectations to make good choices and not drink

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Found out last year that my HS sophomore had been drinking and lied about it when caught. She was grounded for a while, and the friends she drank with were banned from the house for a while too (because they snuck alcohol in). Now, they're allowed, and she is allowed to go out in a limited capacity, but DD gets breathalyzed randomly.

When she complains, I tell her that we had many conversations around trust from a very young age, and now she's finding out that once lost, it's really difficult to get it back.

That's insane

Don't care what some rando on the internet thinks. This is the FO part of the FAFO. 15 year olds have no business drinking.

DCUM is a funny place. On the one hand, they're super judgmental about parents that are naive about teenage drinking, turn a blind eye, or facilitate drinking. On the other, they're super judgmental about parents that crack down and do their best to minimize drinking.

I’m sure my mother did not think it made an impact at the time, but I will never forget when she sat me down and explained our family history of addiction and substance abuse. Scared the crap out of me and also explained a lot of things I hadn’t understood to that point.

Anonymous wrote:Found out last year that my HS sophomore had been drinking and lied about it when caught. She was grounded for a while, and the friends she drank with were banned from the house for a while too (because they snuck alcohol in). Now, they're allowed, and she is allowed to go out in a limited capacity, but DD gets breathalyzed randomly.

When she complains, I tell her that we had many conversations around trust from a very young age, and now she's finding out that once lost, it's really difficult to get it back.

That's insane