Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what were her friendships like in high school? Is this pattern new since college? Also, when she finds something wrong with the new groups she tries, is there a pattern to the reasons she gives?

She had friends but no super close ones aside from one girl. She is a total introvert and then too we had to insist she go out to things. It would be fine but then she complains she is not doing anything so it’s a vicious cycle.

She needs to develop hobbies and interests that introverts have- reading, seeing films, going to the library, making and creating. Is she enthusiastic about her classes? I would think that would provide fertile ground for conversation- research papers, labs, interesting lectures.

Wow, that is SUPER mean. No, you should not tell your daughter that. Good lord.

30 minutes a day is nothing, OP, compared to the amount of time we are spending on my college aged mentally ill stepson. Your daily calls could be keeping her from getting worse, mentally. Do try to make sure she has a therapist, if she does not already.

Never.

OP, if she didn’t have friends and she was happy would that be okay with you? I sort of wonder if she is just an introvert loner and the reason your calls feel so repetitive is that you think just wanting to mostly do your own thing is lame and she feels a need to justify to you what she is doing with her time so she complains and blames circumstances instead of being able to just say “I enjoy my own company.”

Take her calls. Get a new therapist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t withhold contact. Line up some therapy for the summer. She may need some extra support in finding her groove at college. My daughter had different issues than yours but needed a lot of time and contact. I’ve never regretted being there for her.

She had therapy which was not helpful. And to be clear it’s not like I don’t want to be there for her. I worry I am there for her in such a way it makes things worse bc sure I don’t want her to be lonely, but I also don’t want to be the reason she does not try to find other outlets. People say it will pass but I know several people in their 30s and even 40s who never became independent. We have majorly stepped back on advice bc she does not listen or then does but says it doesn’t work. There has been zero progress with our current way.

Then keep looking for a different therapist and/or a life coach. Some ACs require more active parenting for longer than others. I have a son that I never needed to do one thing for once he moved out. He was ready to roll. He manages his finances, submits anything that has to be submitted for insurance, he just launched. I mentioned my own DD above that needed tons of support for a long time. They all have different needs.

Your daughter is telling you that she does want friends, but she’s showing you that she doesn’t know HOW, or she’s too anxious to do it. Don’t just leave her in that space.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t withhold contact. Line up some therapy for the summer. She may need some extra support in finding her groove at college. My daughter had different issues than yours but needed a lot of time and contact. I’ve never regretted being there for her.

She had therapy which was not helpful. And to be clear it’s not like I don’t want to be there for her. I worry I am there for her in such a way it makes things worse bc sure I don’t want her to be lonely, but I also don’t want to be the reason she does not try to find other outlets. People say it will pass but I know several people in their 30s and even 40s who never became independent. We have majorly stepped back on advice bc she does not listen or then does but says it doesn’t work. There has been zero progress with our current way.

What does she say about it not working? A lot of people say they need to be pushed to go out, but when they do, they are glad they went. If that's not her, what exactly is she saying? That she didn't have a good time and doesn't want to go again, or that she liked it and wanted to make friends with the people but they didn't want to be friends? Does she want friends and relationships?

She does want friends but does not try to make friends and does not follow through so people think she’s not interested. Like the language group: she was invited to a bday party and a lunch and went to neither, then she claims she did not like them enough. We’ve had many talks about this. Earlier in the year I’d send her events all the time but she’d make excuses. She sits in her dorm on weekends or will go read or to a coffee shop alone. She has many people she could ask bc she does know people but she refuses to initiate plans.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t withhold contact. Line up some therapy for the summer. She may need some extra support in finding her groove at college. My daughter had different issues than yours but needed a lot of time and contact. I’ve never regretted being there for her.

She had therapy which was not helpful. And to be clear it’s not like I don’t want to be there for her. I worry I am there for her in such a way it makes things worse bc sure I don’t want her to be lonely, but I also don’t want to be the reason she does not try to find other outlets. People say it will pass but I know several people in their 30s and even 40s who never became independent. We have majorly stepped back on advice bc she does not listen or then does but says it doesn’t work. There has been zero progress with our current way.

What does she say about it not working? A lot of people say they need to be pushed to go out, but when they do, they are glad they went. If that's not her, what exactly is she saying? That she didn't have a good time and doesn't want to go again, or that she liked it and wanted to make friends with the people but they didn't want to be friends? Does she want friends and relationships?

Anonymous wrote:Don’t withhold contact. Line up some therapy for the summer. She may need some extra support in finding her groove at college. My daughter had different issues than yours but needed a lot of time and contact. I’ve never regretted being there for her.

She had therapy which was not helpful. And to be clear it’s not like I don’t want to be there for her. I worry I am there for her in such a way it makes things worse bc sure I don’t want her to be lonely, but I also don’t want to be the reason she does not try to find other outlets. People say it will pass but I know several people in their 30s and even 40s who never became independent. We have majorly stepped back on advice bc she does not listen or then does but says it doesn’t work. There has been zero progress with our current way.

Don’t tell her to call less. They would be crushing to someone who’s struggling. But it’s okay to tell her you have to go after a few minutes or not pickup sometimes. But I also think you should reframe your conversations. It sounds like you’re frustrated she’s not following your advice. She knows everything you’re telling her but she’s still struggling. She’s going to have to work it out on her own. Try to shift your focus away from trying to solve her problem.

Don’t withhold contact. Line up some therapy for the summer. She may need some extra support in finding her groove at college. My daughter had different issues than yours but needed a lot of time and contact. I’ve never regretted being there for her.

You are her parent. Be there for her. It won’t last as long as you think.

I can see where you logically think "oh, she's looking for a human connection, there's lots of people around her, so if she doesn't have us, she'll have to spend time with people, problem solved!" but I really doubt it would happen.

It could just as well be she will fill that 30 minutes with TV, scrolling the internet, or chatting with AI. I would not cut off that sense of support.

And although it's not great that she's leaning on you for connection, it's better than getting into a bad relationship or latching on to a problem group of friends, so try to be thankful that she's generally got her life together with a job and doing well in her classes and being family-oriented.

Anonymous wrote:OP what were her friendships like in high school? Is this pattern new since college? Also, when she finds something wrong with the new groups she tries, is there a pattern to the reasons she gives?

She had friends but no super close ones aside from one girl. She is a total introvert and then too we had to insist she go out to things. It would be fine but then she complains she is not doing anything so it’s a vicious cycle.

She sounds like she's on the autism spectrum and needs to manage her anxiety and improve her social skills.