My husband is like this -- it's like he just reflexively corrects me or disagrees with me. If someone else says the same thing, he'll agree and repeat it to me, and I'm always like, "yeah, I know that, that's what I told you." He won't admit that he does this, either. Someday he'll just agree with me about something and I'll probably die of shock.

It sounds like your husband is lazy as opposed to being clueless.

He probably is just too lazy to get the thing his kid needs, etc.
It is easier in his tiny mind to just not take it as it makes less work for him overall! 😡

Unfortunately there is really nothing that you can do about this - - you simply have to accept that this is how your husband is & you need to cease expecting that he will help you out.

Lower your expectations since by not doing so >> it is only going to continually drive you nuts!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to tell you, i wouldn't deal with this well. He doesn't respect you.

Yeah, that’s what I’m coming to grips with.

FWIW, I think he may be on the spectrum. I’m not using this to dismiss or judge or whatever, I am not neurotypical myself… hence the SN kid.

no, you said the issue wasn't there earlier on. So, he's not on the spectrum. I think this is a cop out for you to accept the way he is.

He's a jerk.

For the most part, DH's view is "happy wife, happy life". Of course, he doesn't agree with me on everything, but if I ask him to do something, most of the time he will.

I will say that there was a recent situation where he didn't want to do something for our 16 yr old because he thought it was not necessary, but she and I agreed that it would make her feel safer. It wasn't a huge deal. It would've taken maybe 5min to do it, but he put up such a fuss saying it wasn't necessary. I think it was because he thinks by doing so, we are playing into her anxiety. I got really mad at him, and when he (reluctantly) came up to do this thing, I told him angrily to forget it, that I would do it. I also think he is getting lazier in his old age.

Maybe your DH is feeling like my DH where he feels you are catering too much towards your SN kid? You guys need to get on the same page, or you will just have to own doing most of the things for your kid.

The house thing I totally disagree with your DH on.

He might be cheap but also does not want to take on the job himself! He has created a catch 22 for you hoping you would just let it go?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[house issue]

What was it?

Don’t want to out myself. Sorry!

But also, hilariously, this smacks of my entire life. Like I have to explain, explain, give evidence ad nauseam in order to be believed.

Fair enough.

If you suspect I must be doing something wrong, constructive criticism or insight is welcome

We'd need to better understand your situation. This would mean asking questions and you explaining.

He has zero respect for you.

He thinks you are not his equal, either because he is a jerk or because he is having an affair

[quote=Anonymous]Is this just simple contempt or something more?

Why does my DH constantly dismiss me? If I say I think something needs to be done, he contradicts me every single time.

I am not someone who spouts off and demands things or asserts things I know nothing about. So if for instance, I say “hey, this [house issue] should be fixed because it’s dangerous. I don’t feel comfortable doing it so I can look into hiring somebody.” He downplays it. He makes me feel so insane that last night I googled whether this thing was dangerous and every single result was “YES, FIX IMMEDIATELY.”

If I say “hey, would you mind packing [thing SN kid needs] while I get ready?” He’ll say we don’t need to bring it. So he sits there on his phone while I either take care of the thing I asked him nicely to do, or we leave without it and the outing sucks because inevitably the kid needs this thing so we go home early. Every single effing time.

It would be one thing if he just didn’t care, but he simply seems to just not believe me when I tell him something about the world or our kids or whatever. He’s smart in many ways, but it’s like he thinks I’m stupid. Which I have no insecurities about because I did very well in school and I happen to know my IQ.

I don’t henpeck him, I praise him, I am kind. It almost just smacks as your run-of-the-mill misogyny where men think they are the rational, intelligent ones and woman are to be dismissed.

I’m at my wits end. Anyone else deal with this?



[/quote]

Sit him down and discuss how it makes you feel and how it makes things difficult for everyone. If he isn't perceptive, seek couples therapy. Get Fair Play by Eve Rodsky and both read it together or may be get those flashcards. Talk to him about how you two can stop contempt and resentment eroding your relationship. Be a team, not I and You. On your end, do some self searching about your need for control of life and how to have a more relaxed approach.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he always been like this?

I don’t think so.

We are in midlife. We don’t have a lot of emotional connection. I know that has bothered me much more than him, but we’re working on it.

I have to say, I have been trying to replay the tapes from our first years, trying to see if it was there. I don’t think so. He was a breath of fresh air compared to some of my boyfriends. No passive aggression, no games. So I really don’t know.

If his negative behavior is recent I’d look into whether he’s having an affair. People often become very mean and critical to their partners when they start up with someone else.

He has contempt and disrespect for you. His actions are deliberate.

Is he contrary in general, or just with you?

I'm ashamed to say that I do this a lot, despite trying to work on it. Whenever I disagree, I open my mouth. When someone says something incorrect, I open my mouth. I dislike this about myself, but it's hard to get under control. So I do it to my DH, because I do it in general. I have no contempt for him at all, he's amazing.

But if your DH is doing this just to you? Then there's something in the relationship that you need to figure out.

What did he say when you talked to him about this?