Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently learned that my brother and sister-in-law are annoyed with me for not contributing more to the scholarship fund they've established in memory of their son who passed away two years ago. They're mad in general that people aren't contributing what they believe people should, but specifically, my $250 when they created the fund and $50 on birthdays is insufficient. They need to raise $25K in five years, and today, two years in, they have around $11K (so, they're on track for success).

I know everyone grieves in their own way, but... this is presumptuous, right?

I haven't said anything to them because I'm not supposed to know; a different trouble-making relative decided to stir the pot and report to me. All things considered, it has the ring of truth. Today they published a social media post leaning on friends and family to contribute, so I'm feeling indignant again after months of successfully swallowing my emotions.

Yes.

If you aren’t rich enough to endow a scholarship yourself, don’t do it.

+1. Don't feel bad.

Anonymous wrote:$250 is super light...I would have done a minimum of 1K

The most recent funeral in my family, I ponied up for funeral costs, flowers, food.... If someone had said "And now you need to donate to this scholarship," I'm not sure I would have given another dime.

$250 is super light...I would have done a minimum of 1K

Can the parents not put aside $100 per week and fund the scholarship themselves? Why are they expecting other people to do it for them?

They’re going to have a hard time getting to $25K at this point. Donations are given at death, few are going to give more after that. Also it would typically be primarily funded by them, anything from others is very generous. It is very kind of you to donate annually. That they expect anything more from anyone is outrageous. They’re probably both very sad and very unrealistic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Can’t believe folks get annoyed w what others choose to do w their money.

Anyway why didn’t you contribute ?

In this circumstance, these are grieving parents who probably think the monetary value of the scholarship contributions are equivalent to the affection family and friends had for their late son. It's not, but they are going through the very worst loss of their lives. I would have ponied up more for my brother's kid, but I don't know OP's financial circumstances.

Very fair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, it sounds difficult. It doesn't necessarily sound like they're specifically upset at you. It just sounds like their spiraling because this thing represents their son and they would somehow feel if they don't reach their goals that their son wasn't treasured enough or something. And I get that you intended to help push them down the finish line, which is really sweet, and that they still have two year and are technically on track. It probably doesn't feel that way to them, though, because in their minds even if it's a 5 year timeline they will probably feel anxious until it's done. And maybe they figure the more time that passes, the less people will remember their son or care, so they don't feel halfway there but feel really far away from the goal. I'm not saying it's rational, but they probably see this as an expression of how much people loved their son, and it's really embarrassing and hurtful for them to not be close to the goal. They probably in the back of their minds imagined themselves telling people something like "we wanted to raise 25k for our son in 5 years, but there was such an outpouring of love and grief for him that it only took 2!" (not saying this is reasonable)

Agree with this poster above.

Like you, I'd be annoyed to get this pressure thirdhand. But at the same time, I'd be willing to give more if I had it to avoid other people feeling grief.

Also sounds like the parents are never going to be satisfied no matter how much OP gives --- unless OP feels like being a big hero and coughing up the remaining $14K of course.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, it sounds difficult. It doesn't necessarily sound like they're specifically upset at you. It just sounds like their spiraling because this thing represents their son and they would somehow feel if they don't reach their goals that their son wasn't treasured enough or something. And I get that you intended to help push them down the finish line, which is really sweet, and that they still have two year and are technically on track. It probably doesn't feel that way to them, though, because in their minds even if it's a 5 year timeline they will probably feel anxious until it's done. And maybe they figure the more time that passes, the less people will remember their son or care, so they don't feel halfway there but feel really far away from the goal. I'm not saying it's rational, but they probably see this as an expression of how much people loved their son, and it's really embarrassing and hurtful for them to not be close to the goal. They probably in the back of their minds imagined themselves telling people something like "we wanted to raise 25k for our son in 5 years, but there was such an outpouring of love and grief for him that it only took 2!" (not saying this is reasonable)

Agree with this poster above.

Like you, I'd be annoyed to get this pressure thirdhand. But at the same time, I'd be willing to give more if I had it to avoid other people feeling grief.

They are uninformed about endowed scholarships. If they had asked for donations to a college or high school in memory of that's one thing.
But a named scholarship of $250k they try to find over t years is ignorant. Donations have peaked. People move on. They should have self funded and hotten top up donations.
If you feel you must, give the total of whatever you intended to give now. Then send them a note each birthday not $50 to the fund. That's ridiculous.
A $250k endowment pays 5% a year.

I do not understand the expectation that close family and close friends will give large sums to a fund that's not for a critical need and was not their idea in the first place. Even if people told them "I support you, and think a scholarship is a great idea", it still doesn't mean you should be on the hook for more than a token gesture. $250 is a token gesture, you have fulfilled your obligation in my view. Your relatives are way out of line. Grieving doesn't mean milking people for money, even for a legitimate charitable effort!

Not the same thing, but similar: many years ago, my best friend's husband wanted to go on a once-in-a-lifetime trip on the other side of the world to write a book about a topic dear to his heart. It meant subsidizing a break from his work for several months, plus living expenses in that country. I gave a token amount. Apparently he was mad that everyone around him gave a token amount (his BIL gave much more, because he's generous that way, but it still wasn't nearly enough). I still do not understand why this man expected the people around him to just give him money for this project!

At one point in our lives, when we were young, DH and I had a life event and were temporarily homeless. We did lean on family for a few months, but didn't expect anything except help with room and board. We repaid everything as soon as we could. I would never ask anything of anyone if it was not a true, and dire, need.

Anonymous wrote:
Can’t believe folks get annoyed w what others choose to do w their money.

Anyway why didn’t you contribute ?

SHE DID.

It’s rude and unreasonable. I would still give them grace. You know whether you can give more. If you can, I would. Once you hit your max, you tell them that we’re at our financial limit, but I’d love to…x,y,z. Whatever that means to you.

So, your brother and his wife expect you and their friends to write a check each year? The fundraisers I have attended usually involve an event (example: golf). The event would include a lunch, a 50/50 raffle and donated gift baskets that participants would purchase tickets in order to win. The vendors offer their services to the charity and the people pay more for the golf match than usual. This is all done so the charity makes money.

Anonymous wrote:

Yes.

If you aren’t rich enough to endow a scholarship yourself, don’t do it.

Yeah, who expects other people to do the heavy lifting to fund a memorial? Can they not put some $$$ aside every paycheck and fund their son's scholarship themselves? I get wanting to see that other people love and miss their child, but presumptuous is the right word here.

Also I agree that the pot-stirrer is trouble and OP shouldn't listen to them.

Rude. When my brother died, my parents funded the vast majority of the scholarship fund.