Anonymous wrote:3 years into a relationship. We live together, moved in after 18 months. I am already feeling burnt out. He does a lot around the house but the mental load is the hard part. I have to initiate everything - I taught him how to get a credit card, save for retirement, increase his income, get a therapy and get him diagnosed for adhd, etc. I am realizing that I will be leading and he will be dragging. We are in our 40s, he’s actually older than me. Will it ever improve?

Why did you fall in love? Why did you keep dating him? Why did you move in with him? You can't transform him into what you want. Either stay or leave, you don't have kids so what's stopping you?

Anonymous wrote:3 years into a relationship. We live together, moved in after 18 months. I am already feeling burnt out. He does a lot around the house but the mental load is the hard part. I have to initiate everything - I taught him how to get a credit card, save for retirement, increase his income, get a therapy and get him diagnosed for adhd, etc. I am realizing that I will be leading and he will be dragging. We are in our 40s, he’s actually older than me. Will it ever improve?

If you two were in your late 20's or even early 30's, I would say there is hope. However in 40's there is little hope. Unless you consider it a bargain for whatever he does and having his companionship, you need to decide if its worth it without trying to change an almost midlife man and making both of your lives difficult.

Why on earth did you start dating him, let alone move in with him? You deserve better.

Anonymous wrote:I was married to someone like this. (Well, he had a credit card, but no savings, and no insurance). He really just wanted someone to take care of him and I have children and parents already that I'm responsible for.
He was kind and a good cook--but get out while you can, before you lose all respect for him. He can still be in your life, from a distance.

My ex-gf was somewhat like this or completely opposite in some cases. She was making $55-60K but had $90K of CC debt, no 401K, barely $2K in savings, very bad insurance, a hoarder, and poor with household chores. She had ADHD and I had to teach her a lot of basic things. Was very emotionally demanding for me so I ended it.

Uh….After three years of being together (and 1.5 of living together) I do not see things improving.

I strongly suggest you take a step back & let him do more for himself.
Before he relies on you entirely like you are his parent.

Good luck‼️

You both sound like you struggle with basic adult responsibilities. He struggles with the logistics and you are struggling with coping with basic tasks. "Mental load" management is part of basic adult life. There are things you need to do and you should be able to cope and do them without feeling like it is too much of a mental load. That is just a lack of stress management, coping, and resilience.

He got a long fine until you came along - leave him be to live as he wishes.

You're making me feel better and also worse about putting up with my last ex for almost a year. He didn't have uber or lyft and relied on (often non existent) cabs. He did not have a working fridge in his primary home. (He had 3 homes.) he did not have health insurance but he did have 12 cars. He did not have home internet but knew how to set up a hot spot from his phone. It was bizarre.

OP, are you sure he's actually living with you? Is he gone for long periods of time, or even occasionally, without explanation? If so, he may have a second home where he is a very different person, kicking butt and taking names, running the show, teaching others, etc etc.

I was married to someone like this. (Well, he had a credit card, but no savings, and no insurance). He really just wanted someone to take care of him and I have children and parents already that I'm responsible for.
He was kind and a good cook--but get out while you can, before you lose all respect for him. He can still be in your life, from a distance.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's trying hard and from your other comments in other threads he sounds like a good guy. I think that some people are okay with people with ADHD and it does not stress them out okay but you aren't. You sound like kind of a high maintenance type and you should get out of this relationship and give him a chance to find someone who will not see him as negatively.

No it doesn't and no he doesn't!!! You are making me laugh this afternoon. TY. But your advice is right: she should break up with him.

He’s going to be a great husband to someone else.

Wish him well.

Anonymous wrote:3 years into a relationship. We live together, moved in after 18 months. I am already feeling burnt out. He does a lot around the house but the mental load is the hard part. I have to initiate everything - I taught him how to get a credit card, save for retirement, increase his income, get a therapy and get him diagnosed for adhd, etc. I am realizing that I will be leading and he will be dragging. We are in our 40s, he’s actually older than me. Will it ever improve?

He's in his 40s and didn't know how to get a credit card? You must be kidding or you are living among creatures of the darkness. Is he a vampire? You don't need this. You don't want this. Most likely scenario: He is intentionally being helpless.

Nobody in America can not know how to get a credit card - here are the steps: Live somewhere. Wait for the mail to come.

It sounds like he's trying hard and from your other comments in other threads he sounds like a good guy. I think that some people are okay with people with ADHD and it does not stress them out okay but you aren't. You sound like kind of a high maintenance type and you should get out of this relationship and give him a chance to find someone who will not see him as negatively.