Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My retired MIL takes every opportunity to remind me of how she raised two successful sons without hardly any help from anyone including my FIL, worked full time, cooked everything from scratch and hosted regular parties for friends and relatives!

Maybe the most generous explanation is she's looking for sympathy for how difficult it was? I hope so. Because deliberately raising sons in a home with a Dad not contributing to household management (and day to day parenting?) doesn't really seem all that brag worthy to me. What was she teaching and modelling for her boys?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Isn’t it validating?

Our school used to put on a huge parade for the kindergartners, it was basically the event of the year. I had invited my MIL to come with me. DH planned to get off work early and meet us there, but MIL was going to ride with me.

I can’t remember the exact times anymore, but I needed to pick up my preschooler first. I had asked MIL to come around 12:30 so we could pick up DC together and grab lunch before heading to the parade. If that didn’t work, she could come any time after about 1:30, when I’d be back from preschool pickup, and we’d eat then.

Just before 12:30 she texted, “I’m running late. I’m not going to make it by 12:30.” Since she knew I had to leave to get DC, I simply replied, “Okay, see you around 1:30.” So you can imagine my surprise when I pulled up at 1:30, excited to see her there and to go grab food, and instead she was angry that I hadn’t waited for her. Apparently she had arrived sometime after I left and had been sitting in her car, waiting, for nearly an hour.

She was furious about it. She seethed through the entire afternoon, gave my completely confused husband the silent treatment, was cold toward DC, and stayed upset about it for months.

The part that struck me most was that she truly could not grasp why I couldn’t just wait for her before picking up my child from preschool. The idea that a parent’s schedule might be dictated by their small child’s needs simply didn’t compute. Looking back, it really illustrates something I think about often, that when you’re in the thick of raising young children, your life runs on tight, non-negotiable timelines. To someone outside that phase, especially someone who expects to be centered in the plans, it can expose a surprising amount of emotional neediness and rigidity.

It was such an unnecessary, stressful situation that never needed to happen… and one I’ll probably never forget.

Did you post about this at the time? This sounds familiar and I remember being so annoyed at that MIL, as I am again upon reading this post. So clueless and self-obsessed.

OP of this thread, I encourage you to trim where you can and give up some of the feeling of responsibility for the grandparents’ happiness. You count too. You matter too.

I wonder if the previous generation really had it the same. Were their parents really expecting to be so involved in everything, did they insist on so much attention and inclusion?

People who are retired cannot expect others to fill up their now-emptier dance cards. The PP who said her retired parents live two hours away but expect her to visit at least once a month, even though she has elementary-aged kids and works full time—her parents sound incredibly selfish. And I hope she pushed back and doesn’t go once a month, when she’s invited her parents to come stay with her.

Anonymous wrote:This is such a great thread. Thank you for posting it OP.

Ok, both my kids are in college now so there is probably many years ahead still until they hopefully settle down and have kids. But everyone here has got me thinking. What would the ideal relationship between ILs/parents and their adult children with families be or involve? I can think of some things but I'm sure I am missing many others:

1. the obvious things like not putting extra pressure on DIL/Son-in-law/adult children to visit us, host me, call, etc. etc.
2. if living in close proximity, offer to babysit and as grandkids grow older offer to have them come for sleepovers
3. again, if living close enough, offer to help with any carpooling
4. if not living in close proximity, offer to take grandkids for a week+ over the summer; again, help with babysitting

In a different vein, I can see the following should also be on this list:
5. remember how hard it really is to raise young kids, balance work and home life and all the things that all of that involves
6. really try to not have unfair expectations of your DIL/Son-in-law/adult children expecting them to fit us in to their busy schedules just because we "are here!"; instead the goal is to add value to their lives when we visit
7. remember that as much as we all love one another remember that on a day-to-day basis, parents to grown adults with families are just not as relevant anymore and that that is okay - it is just the cycle of life

What else?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My retired MIL takes every opportunity to remind me of how she raised two successful sons without hardly any help from anyone including my FIL, worked full time, cooked everything from scratch and hosted regular parties for friends and relatives!

My MIL who was a SAHM used to do this despite the fact I work FT. She expected me to wait in her hand and foot when she visited and CONSTANTLY criticized my parenting. Everything that went wrong with the kids was my fault and everything that went right was because of her son. Eventually I snapped - badly - and had I been in my rational mind I would have never said this. I said “Yes, you were such a wonderful parent who raised wonderful kids - a spinster who can’t keep a job; a gay son with a revolving door of partners he’s dependent on; and your golden boy who is the only one who managed to reproduce yet is totally dependent on me for health insurance and to pay the mortgage. But, yeah, I should quit my job to be a SAHM, live in poverty without insurance, and wait on you hand and foot. Of course I store the ability to do that in my double X chromosomes”. It was totally mean and unhinged- but it completely changed our relationship for the better. I think she had a heck of a lot more respect for me. Especially since all my siblings (and me) are successful PhDs of some sort. BTW DH took my side - he didn’t have the ability to stand up to his mom.

Anonymous wrote:They do get it. They've done it already.

Anonymous wrote:My retired MIL takes every opportunity to remind me of how she raised two successful sons without hardly any help from anyone including my FIL, worked full time, cooked everything from scratch and hosted regular parties for friends and relatives!

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Isn’t it validating?

Our school used to put on a huge parade for the kindergartners, it was basically the event of the year. I had invited my MIL to come with me. DH planned to get off work early and meet us there, but MIL was going to ride with me.

I can’t remember the exact times anymore, but I needed to pick up my preschooler first. I had asked MIL to come around 12:30 so we could pick up DC together and grab lunch before heading to the parade. If that didn’t work, she could come any time after about 1:30, when I’d be back from preschool pickup, and we’d eat then.

Just before 12:30 she texted, “I’m running late. I’m not going to make it by 12:30.” Since she knew I had to leave to get DC, I simply replied, “Okay, see you around 1:30.” So you can imagine my surprise when I pulled up at 1:30, excited to see her there and to go grab food, and instead she was angry that I hadn’t waited for her. Apparently she had arrived sometime after I left and had been sitting in her car, waiting, for nearly an hour.

She was furious about it. She seethed through the entire afternoon, gave my completely confused husband the silent treatment, was cold toward DC, and stayed upset about it for months.

The part that struck me most was that she truly could not grasp why I couldn’t just wait for her before picking up my child from preschool. The idea that a parent’s schedule might be dictated by their small child’s needs simply didn’t compute. Looking back, it really illustrates something I think about often, that when you’re in the thick of raising young children, your life runs on tight, non-negotiable timelines. To someone outside that phase, especially someone who expects to be centered in the plans, it can expose a surprising amount of emotional neediness and rigidity.

It was such an unnecessary, stressful situation that never needed to happen… and one I’ll probably never forget.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My retired MIL takes every opportunity to remind me of how she raised two successful sons without hardly any help from anyone including my FIL, worked full time, cooked everything from scratch and hosted regular parties for friends and relatives!

Maybe the most generous explanation is she's looking for sympathy for how difficult it was? I hope so. Because deliberately raising sons in a home with a Dad not contributing to household management (and day to day parenting?) doesn't really seem all that brag worthy to me. What was she teaching and modelling for her boys?

No, she says it proudly to indicate that she’s the one responsible for their success because was the one who mostly raised them.

Also to brag about how capable she is- Yes, FIL made more money and she took care of everything else.

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Isn’t it validating?

Our school used to put on a huge parade for the kindergartners, it was basically the event of the year. I had invited my MIL to come with me. DH planned to get off work early and meet us there, but MIL was going to ride with me.

I can’t remember the exact times anymore, but I needed to pick up my preschooler first. I had asked MIL to come around 12:30 so we could pick up DC together and grab lunch before heading to the parade. If that didn’t work, she could come any time after about 1:30, when I’d be back from preschool pickup, and we’d eat then.

Just before 12:30 she texted, “I’m running late. I’m not going to make it by 12:30.” Since she knew I had to leave to get DC, I simply replied, “Okay, see you around 1:30.” So you can imagine my surprise when I pulled up at 1:30, excited to see her there and to go grab food, and instead she was angry that I hadn’t waited for her. Apparently she had arrived sometime after I left and had been sitting in her car, waiting, for nearly an hour.

She was furious about it. She seethed through the entire afternoon, gave my completely confused husband the silent treatment, was cold toward DC, and stayed upset about it for months.

The part that struck me most was that she truly could not grasp why I couldn’t just wait for her before picking up my child from preschool. The idea that a parent’s schedule might be dictated by their small child’s needs simply didn’t compute. Looking back, it really illustrates something I think about often, that when you’re in the thick of raising young children, your life runs on tight, non-negotiable timelines. To someone outside that phase, especially someone who expects to be centered in the plans, it can expose a surprising amount of emotional neediness and rigidity.

It was such an unnecessary, stressful situation that never needed to happen… and one I’ll probably never forget.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read this line in the other post about the DIL who left when she saw her ILs in the driveway, and I honestly teared up out of nowhere. This so succinctly sums up the pressure I feel from both my own parents and my husband’s parents.

I do. So. Much. And it’s never enough. I am constantly working, parenting, cooking, cleaning, planning fun things for my family to do together, making sure kids have everything they need for school, activities, birthday parties, etc. I am always busy and I very rarely make time for myself.

And yes, DH and I think of and connect with and invite and include our parents. A lot. We do a lot for them.

But it’s never enough. They’re always asking, wheedling, whining, demanding more. I am stretched so thin. Even when I’m hosting my parents and throwing my cousin a baby shower, it’s this that this that what about this that can we do can we have. And they have NOTHING to do! Same with my ILs, they do nothing but play Wordle, go to church once a week, and do nothing. When they visit, they don’t lift a single finger and instead just wheedle and whine about wanting more time, can we do this, what about that.

“The DIL is in the busiest chapter of hr life; you have nothing to do.” Why don’t grandparents get this?!?!

Why can't your mom throw the baby shower instead of you? Since they have nothing to do cant they plan some of the fun family activities instead of you?
My MIL was always thinking of group family activities. Those were very nice breaks from our nuclear family routine. I didn't understand it then but I am grateful now for her modeling this behavior.

Anonymous wrote:I read this line in the other post about the DIL who left when she saw her ILs in the driveway, and I honestly teared up out of nowhere. This so succinctly sums up the pressure I feel from both my own parents and my husband’s parents.

I do. So. Much. And it’s never enough. I am constantly working, parenting, cooking, cleaning, planning fun things for my family to do together, making sure kids have everything they need for school, activities, birthday parties, etc. I am always busy and I very rarely make time for myself.

And yes, DH and I think of and connect with and invite and include our parents. A lot. We do a lot for them.

But it’s never enough. They’re always asking, wheedling, whining, demanding more. I am stretched so thin. Even when I’m hosting my parents and throwing my cousin a baby shower, it’s this that this that what about this that can we do can we have. And they have NOTHING to do! Same with my ILs, they do nothing but play Wordle, go to church once a week, and do nothing. When they visit, they don’t lift a single finger and instead just wheedle and whine about wanting more time, can we do this, what about that.

“The DIL is in the busiest chapter of hr life; you have nothing to do.” Why don’t grandparents get this?!?!

Anonymous wrote:I read this line in the other post about the DIL who left when she saw her ILs in the driveway, and I honestly teared up out of nowhere. This so succinctly sums up the pressure I feel from both my own parents and my husband’s parents.

I do. So. Much. And it’s never enough. I am constantly working, parenting, cooking, cleaning, planning fun things for my family to do together, making sure kids have everything they need for school, activities, birthday parties, etc. I am always busy and I very rarely make time for myself.

And yes, DH and I think of and connect with and invite and include our parents. A lot. We do a lot for them.

But it’s never enough. They’re always asking, wheedling, whining, demanding more. I am stretched so thin. Even when I’m hosting my parents and throwing my cousin a baby shower, it’s this that this that what about this that can we do can we have. And they have NOTHING to do! Same with my ILs, they do nothing but play Wordle, go to church once a week, and do nothing. When they visit, they don’t lift a single finger and instead just wheedle and whine about wanting more time, can we do this, what about that.

“The DIL is in the busiest chapter of hr life; you have nothing to do.” Why don’t grandparents get this?!?!