I mean with all the bad marriages and dating challenges happening these days, is marriage the primary goal? It feels like pressure and TMI to do anything outside of modeling a “good” marriage. I think teaching them all of the things to be great humans and find purpose, self-sufficiency and happiness all by themselves is enough.

They need to know that they are enough and enjoy being kids. If marriage presents itself in adulthood then they would be pretty prepared to come to the table and handle the ups and downs that come with it. I just don’t think it should be the focus of their existence, this can create unnecessary stress for them. There are so many other things to prioritize in life. The horse can’t move if the cart is in front.

Anonymous wrote:Marry partner from intact family. Children of divorced parents are pretty messed up.

I’d rather my child marry a child of divorce than someone raised by you. You teach your kids that certain people are lost causes and not worthy of human flourishing?

Anonymous wrote:Marry young. Marry a virgin. Have a prenup.

The rest is negotiable.

As long as they are the same.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I point things out to my daughter.

If we know of a woman who is the breadwinner or sole income earner, who also provides elder care and main care of kids - I point out how difficult of a life it can be.

I tell her she will not marry a man who stays at home.

As was told to me when I was growing up by a neighborhood mom who married well, that she is pretty, kind, and smart, and she can afford to be picky.

It would be unusual for a man to stay at home before marriage, I assume - same with women. But is your point that she cant marry a dad who wants to be a stay-at-home dad? Or is your point "you will be doing everything, so your husband should at least work?"

Beacuse if you are telling her she will not marry a man who will stay home, wouldn't it also make sense to tell her to marry a man who will not be carrying his fair share?

If she were not as pretty, would you tell her differently?

To address last question, of course. Provide only useful advice. Not fluff.

Marry young. Marry a virgin. Have a prenup.

The rest is negotiable.

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had listened to my parents and never married someone who came from a broken family background.

😩🥴

Anonymous wrote:I point things out to my daughter.

If we know of a woman who is the breadwinner or sole income earner, who also provides elder care and main care of kids - I point out how difficult of a life it can be.

I tell her she will not marry a man who stays at home.

As was told to me when I was growing up by a neighborhood mom who married well, that she is pretty, kind, and smart, and she can afford to be picky.

It would be unusual for a man to stay at home before marriage, I assume - same with women. But is your point that she cant marry a dad who wants to be a stay-at-home dad? Or is your point "you will be doing everything, so your husband should at least work?"

Beacuse if you are telling her she will not marry a man who will stay home, wouldn't it also make sense to tell her to marry a man who will not be carrying his fair share?

If she were not as pretty, would you tell her differently?

Anonymous wrote:I have daughters, so I point out a lot of misogyny and patriarchy to them. I was raised the opposite - boys tease you because they like you, if a boy likes you give him a chance even if you don’t like him, forgive him because the poor guy is trying his best, etc.

So instead we look at the different standards males and females are held to, starting with the different standards in their classrooms. Example, they aren’t allowed to go to recess until the room is cleaned, and often the girls will do all the cleaning because the boys are goofing off. So we talk a LOT about those things.

I’m divorced, and I have an extremely high standard for the men I date. They need to set the example for my DDs. Even if my DDs don’t meet them, it’s good for them to come home and see mom got flowers from the guy, so they know what kind of effort they should expect.

I was with you until it felt like it became hypocritical here- but maybe not?

Anonymous wrote:I have daughters, so I point out a lot of misogyny and patriarchy to them. I was raised the opposite - boys tease you because they like you, if a boy likes you give him a chance even if you don’t like him, forgive him because the poor guy is trying his best, etc.

So instead we look at the different standards males and females are held to, starting with the different standards in their classrooms. Example, they aren’t allowed to go to recess until the room is cleaned, and often the girls will do all the cleaning because the boys are goofing off. So we talk a LOT about those things.

I’m divorced, and I have an extremely high standard for the men I date. They need to set the example for my DDs. Even if my DDs don’t meet them, it’s good for them to come home and see mom got flowers from the guy, so they know what kind of effort they should expect.

I’m happily married and do the same for my daughter, and my husband makes sure she sees things he does for me and for our family.

Boys in my family are raised to understand that they are not entitled to women’s time, company, or interest but if they’re lucky they have the opportunity to earn them.

I am not Mormon, extremely far from it, but I think they have it right in concentrating on this from a young age. Even if some of the things are not those I would personally value concentrating on (e.g., preparing girls to be good mothers) it's true that marriage relationships, should you marry are a BIG DEAL in your life regardless of religion.

But i dont' know the asnwe to your question

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had listened to my parents and never married someone who came from a broken family background.

It isn't ever going to be easy. And I say this as someone from a broken family background. Above all else, when looking for a life partner, beware the high ACE score.

My husband has one of the highest ACE scores of anyone I know—likely higher than anyone you know as well. He is a fantastic partner and parent.

This advice implies pretty awful things about the role modeling the advice-giver does about how to be a good human. IJS

My own lived experience is that most of the preparation people give their kids for marriage is through watching their parents marriage. For better or for worse. Actions speak far louder than any words or advice.

Finishing school for the women.

I comment on movies and shows that show a good/bad dynamic in their presence. It's an easier way to introduce the topic.

Modeling a healthy marriage is the best thing you can do. Do it vocally and visbily. Let your kids see you accept your spouse's influence, hear you thank them for doing something that helps you/the family. Let them see you disagree and come back together (within reason - don't fight in front of them but), let them see how they two of you work as a team and lift each other up.

The accepting of your spouse's influence is especicially important to model to your sons. I can't remember where I read it (recent NYT article?), but one of the things that best sets men up to be good and equal partners in hetero relationships is to have grown up in an environment where they see their male role models accepting influence from the women in their lives.

And of course, do what you can to help your kids be confident in themselves and trust that you will always be there for them. They won't tolerate a bad partner if they are secure in themselves.