Anonymous wrote:You need to realize that they're in it together. After all, your dad chose her and vice versa. He's not going to go against her wishes and he may well choose not to contact you, perhaps even unconsciously, not to anger her. But he knows fully well what is going on. For a long time I thought of my mom as an instigator, and she sure is, but my dad was complicit. That's why he's apathetic -- he lets her do what she wants and agrees to it silently.

I agree as someone with parents who had a similar dynamic.
I am still not sure he fully realized anything or was just too scared of her and too cowardly altogether, but it doesn’t really matter to me.
I am painfully letting go of an illusion that he is or ever was a good man.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you able to maintain contact with your Dad when your mother is cutting you out? How does he feel about things? Your mom sounds very difficult and destructive, but all the advice to simply have no contact isn’t practical if she controls access to your dad. So is that a factor you need to consider?

OP here - I’ve tried calling and texting my Dad but he won’t respond. I texted him letting him know he can always call me directly. I suspect she’s taken his phone or has told him not to talk to me.

He’s always been pretty apathetic but it’s so hard for me to imagine that he is on his own choosing not to contact me.

New poster. As someone with an “evil” mother and an apathetic dad I can tell you several things.
- your dad is as bad as you mom, he is her accomplice. It’s better for you if he dies first, that way at least you won’t have to come to terms with realizing he is not a good man. I am going thru this now after my mother’s death
- your mom is mentally ill, stop chasing her affection, she is just not all there, she can’t give it
- she doesn’t want a relationship with you, she only wants your brother in her life

These are all hurtful realizations, so I wish you luck in processing them

You need to realize that they're in it together. After all, your dad chose her and vice versa. He's not going to go against her wishes and he may well choose not to contact you, perhaps even unconsciously, not to anger her. But he knows fully well what is going on. For a long time I thought of my mom as an instigator, and she sure is, but my dad was complicit. That's why he's apathetic -- he lets her do what she wants and agrees to it silently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you able to maintain contact with your Dad when your mother is cutting you out? How does he feel about things? Your mom sounds very difficult and destructive, but all the advice to simply have no contact isn’t practical if she controls access to your dad. So is that a factor you need to consider?

OP here - I’ve tried calling and texting my Dad but he won’t respond. I texted him letting him know he can always call me directly. I suspect she’s taken his phone or has told him not to talk to me.

He’s always been pretty apathetic but it’s so hard for me to imagine that he is on his own choosing not to contact me.

That’s rough. I think you have to weigh the cost here. If you don’t apologize and give in to your mom, it sounds like you lose access to your dad. It’s a very unfair and painful spot to be in. I wonder if you could talk to a therapist to help you figure out what is best for you, and if that includes continuing to interact with with your mom, strategies for minimizing the damage. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

Anonymous wrote:OP are you able to maintain contact with your Dad when your mother is cutting you out? How does he feel about things? Your mom sounds very difficult and destructive, but all the advice to simply have no contact isn’t practical if she controls access to your dad. So is that a factor you need to consider?

OP here - I’ve tried calling and texting my Dad but he won’t respond. I texted him letting him know he can always call me directly. I suspect she’s taken his phone or has told him not to talk to me.

He’s always been pretty apathetic but it’s so hard for me to imagine that he is on his own choosing not to contact me.

OP are you able to maintain contact with your Dad when your mother is cutting you out? How does he feel about things? Your mom sounds very difficult and destructive, but all the advice to simply have no contact isn’t practical if she controls access to your dad. So is that a factor you need to consider?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is wrong with your mother. How about if all the narcissistic posters on this thread, who just looooove calling other people's parents narcissists, took the attitude that maybe there is something you can do to find out what's wrong with her? She needs you.

OP here - I've tried to help. I've done therapy with her, I've gotten therapists for her. She's fired them all. I've tried talking to her. I'm not sure what else I can do.

Haha I am sure she fired them because she can't stand anyone reflecting her words back or asking any questions that might require her to examine her own role in her issues. You've done what you can OP, and more than a lot of people, if you've actually attended therapy with her.

I am very sorry. She sounds incredibly my narcissistic. I would believe her and not talk to her anymore.

Anonymous wrote:Something is wrong with your mother. How about if all the narcissistic posters on this thread, who just looooove calling other people's parents narcissists, took the attitude that maybe there is something you can do to find out what's wrong with her? She needs you.

OP here - I've tried to help. I've done therapy with her, I've gotten therapists for her. She's fired them all. I've tried talking to her. I'm not sure what else I can do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You move forward by not talking to her and not thinking about her. There is no need to call, text, etc. Even if she calls you, you don’t have to answer. Stop giving them so much emotional bandwidth. Focus on the people that love you.

Yes, you move forward by being damaged good.

"goods"

Anonymous wrote:You move forward by not talking to her and not thinking about her. There is no need to call, text, etc. Even if she calls you, you don’t have to answer. Stop giving them so much emotional bandwidth. Focus on the people that love you.

Yes, you move forward by being damaged good.

Something is wrong with your mother. How about if all the narcissistic posters on this thread, who just looooove calling other people's parents narcissists, took the attitude that maybe there is something you can do to find out what's wrong with her? She needs you.

Appears your mother isn’t super interested in a close relationship w you.

Cone to terms w that. Maybe even seek therapy to assist.

You move forward by not talking to her and not thinking about her. There is no need to call, text, etc. Even if she calls you, you don’t have to answer. Stop giving them so much emotional bandwidth. Focus on the people that love you.

I know how this can come across but please take it as more a boundary setting approach. When things get to a bad point with my family member, I tell myself, not out loud but just in my head, that they need me more than I need them. It becomes almost like a mantra in the moment when I am whirling from some interaction that leaves me hurt and confused. They need me more than I need them. And it is the truth.

Yes, I want a relationship with my father, but thankfully I have my immediate family who I adore and my other family members and my friends. My father is on the fast decline of age and bad health and he has fewer and fewer people in his life. Simply and brutally, he needs me much more than I need him in my life.

Good luck OP.