Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to answer the phone every time she calls. When my dd with anxiety texts and I know it’s a situation she can handle I DONT ANSWER. I wait. She handles it. And later we check in. She’s grown so much and I know it’s because we have given her space to handle big problems on her own.

Tell your dd your work schedule has changed and you can’t talk during the day. Schedule time at night for her to unload and you put your AirPods in and fold laundry or do the dishes or walk the dog or whatever productive thing you can do while she’s talking. Just listen. Make sympathetic noises. Don’t give advice unless she asks. Remind her that you love her and she can handle difficult situations.

+1. Don't answer right away. You may have to train yourself not to pick up the phone.

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to answer the phone every time she calls. When my dd with anxiety texts and I know it’s a situation she can handle I DONT ANSWER. I wait. She handles it. And later we check in. She’s grown so much and I know it’s because we have given her space to handle big problems on her own.

Tell your dd your work schedule has changed and you can’t talk during the day. Schedule time at night for her to unload and you put your AirPods in and fold laundry or do the dishes or walk the dog or whatever productive thing you can do while she’s talking. Just listen. Make sympathetic noises. Don’t give advice unless she asks. Remind her that you love her and she can handle difficult situations.

Anonymous wrote:I get it. She feels better complaining to us than others.
But she isn't willing to do things she complains about and I have a hard time listening over and over to easily fixible problems. (e.g., "I only have 2 friends" but she is unwilling to leave her room).
We have offered all the resources, SSRIs, therapy, etc. and while she has taken us up on them, it's only helped so much.
It's draining.
I am sure this makes me a bad mother in many peoples' eyes, but I can't do it every day. Constant calls in the middle of the workday and refusal to get off the phone.
Again, I know she's suffering, so I feel like $hit but I also can't just sit there listening to everything she can't do or doesn't like but won't take action on over and over. I want to validate her, and I know she needs us, but I need some boundaries and yet feel guilty erecting them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to answer the phone every time she calls. When my dd with anxiety texts and I know it’s a situation she can handle I DONT ANSWER. I wait. She handles it. And later we check in. She’s grown so much and I know it’s because we have given her space to handle big problems on her own.

Tell your dd your work schedule has changed and you can’t talk during the day. Schedule time at night for her to unload and you put your AirPods in and fold laundry or do the dishes or walk the dog or whatever productive thing you can do while she’s talking. Just listen. Make sympathetic noises. Don’t give advice unless she asks. Remind her that you love her and she can handle difficult situations.

This, OP. You are making things worse by being so available to her.

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to answer the phone every time she calls. When my dd with anxiety texts and I know it’s a situation she can handle I DONT ANSWER. I wait. She handles it. And later we check in. She’s grown so much and I know it’s because we have given her space to handle big problems on her own.

Tell your dd your work schedule has changed and you can’t talk during the day. Schedule time at night for her to unload and you put your AirPods in and fold laundry or do the dishes or walk the dog or whatever productive thing you can do while she’s talking. Just listen. Make sympathetic noises. Don’t give advice unless she asks. Remind her that you love her and she can handle difficult situations.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks-- I have definitely done this. I've asked if she wants us to just listen, or help her plot ways to address what she is concerned about.

During these times, she just gets upset. I've gently explained it can be hard to hear her so upset about things that are in her power to change. That didn't really go anywhere, I guess, because we are here again and again.

She's extremely sensitive, and getting anywhere near telling her to fix it or stop complaining doesn't feel right, at all. I'm not really sure the endless complaining is good for her, however, but what I am really starting to not be able to handle is just hearing the same things over and over.

It's only her first year so I suspect things are fresh and will get better, at least I hope, but on the other hand this is not a new development. I just feel like she's bored and lonely and uses her dad and me for entertainment and venting.