Anonymous wrote:OP: Mom is never put out when I circle back and ask her for the money--she's happy to do it. Now that I've thought on everyone's answers, I think there's a little bit of her needing to have an exact amount rather than her just handing over what feels generous to her--for all I know, if she just writes a check she may not know if it's enough. I need to be more direct with her. Thanks for all giving me things to ponder.

If you have a financial advisor you are comfortable. Stop expecting money. You don't ask for the money. You just acknowledge it, know its not going to happen and move on.

My mom is like that but she nor my dad have given us any money in at least 20 years. My kids know to just say thank you and know they get nothing.

If your kids need help, why can't you help them? Or, they can work a part-time extra job if they want to live in an expensive area.

Anonymous wrote:So she is miserly.

Not at all

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think real examples of the tax implications would help too.

OP: For instance, when she paid for part of a semester for my kid's grad school, she wrote a check directly to the school so it didn't count as a taxable gift vs. giving it to me directly. This is why having the advisor helps and why I don't want to just be removing money from her account.

That makes sense. So when she offers to pay for school I'd thank her and then tell her the school is X per semester but you don't expect her to pay all of it but to let you know how much wnd then you call the advisor and handle logistics.

So she is miserly.

Anonymous wrote:I think real examples of the tax implications would help too.

OP: For instance, when she paid for part of a semester for my kid's grad school, she wrote a check directly to the school so it didn't count as a taxable gift vs. giving it to me directly. This is why having the advisor helps and why I don't want to just be removing money from her account.

I think real examples of the tax implications would help too.

OP: Mom is never put out when I circle back and ask her for the money--she's happy to do it. Now that I've thought on everyone's answers, I think there's a little bit of her needing to have an exact amount rather than her just handing over what feels generous to her--for all I know, if she just writes a check she may not know if it's enough. I need to be more direct with her. Thanks for all giving me things to ponder.

OP, pull back and think about efficiency. For a moment, get your emotions out of it. What would be the steps? I think talk to your financial advisor. A decent one would listen, tell them exactly what you told us. A decent one would propose a solution.

This reminds me of my relationship with my parent before they died. They had a lot of money, but didn't help that much beyond college expenses (which was of course great to have). Offered to be a safety net whenever we needed it, and gave me an annual gift but not anyone else, so didn't gift as much as they could have. Totally their right, but it made my life more typical rather than easy - I worked a lot and didn't get to see my kids as much, always worried about money, didn't take vacations even to see grandparents because we were on a budget, etc.

When they passed away, I came into a lot of money, and had to pay a large estate tax. But its too late to get all that time back for vacations with the grandparents that we couldn't afford to take. And my kids didn't get much of a relationship with them as a result. But they'll be multi-milliionaires someday, so I guess its a win. Just a frustrating reality. I wish they had gifted me and the kids a little more when we really could have used it rather than leave it for inheritance (that was partially taxed away).

I recommend more communication now on tax consequences and gifting rules.

You need to both stop being passive aggressive and have a direct conversation. Tell her that you (or the kids) would like support with xx, and ask if that's doable for her.

When she says, "I can help with X," on the spot say, "great and thank you," and then do what's needed to make it happen. By not responding, I would interpret that as not eeding help.

FWIW, my parents are in a similar situation (can afford where they are until age 150 based on their savings, but they both have pensions, SS, and RMDs coming in too).
They have offered to gift us all every year, we have said yes and they do it - maximum to each child (from each parent) and to each grandchild. Our kids don't know about the money in their accounts yet, but when they come of age, they will.

Anonymous wrote:OP: I'm on her checking account, where she keeps a decent amount of cash. I can't imagine just telling her I'm taking out X amount; she would need to talk to our advisor and have him move things in and out of accounts for tax purposes.

Would it be inappropriate for me to ask our advisor to address this with her?

Since you have the same advisor you could ask to meet together. You said your dad conrolled the money in his lifetime, so she probalby doesn't really know what she's supopsed to do with the advice she is getting. If you meet together, the advisor can explain to her how to set up automatic gifting to help with the tax situation. Once it's automatic she doesn't have to worry about remembering what she promised and who to write checks to, etc.

I'd say something the next time she brings it up. "Mom, can you stop saying you'll help us out? If you don't want to send any money that's fine, but stop telling us you will."

Of course we shouldn't count on others' money, but if she constantly brings it up she's basically lying to your face. And no one wants to hear that all the time.

OP, you're not asking repeatedly. You're not. When you follow up, ask and state a figure and get a check. Get over your discomfort.

There's another angle to this. She's uncomfortable too. She knows you can handle your finances, she's proud of you for that, and doesn't want money to be an awkward thing between you.

It just is though, uncomfortable. Not fair to fault her for her being just as uncomfortable as you.

I thought this was going to be a thread on elderly parents dropping hints to their adult kids that they need more and more money.

Jokes on me. LOL. I can't relate.