Anonymous wrote:SIL has a kid like this. She is very polite though. She has never been into physical activity beyond the playground years.
Her preferred activities are doing nothing but doodle and play video games.
ADHD/ASD runs in the family.

That’s fine, but physical activity for kids is not optional. It’s critical to their development including in the teen years. Some exercise, even a walk, needs to be required before they do their preferred indoor things.

When they are adults they can choose to be sedentary but it’s not okay to let your kid sit around all day.

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a chronically online gamer type. But she’s 14 and this is somewhat typical and most of them grow out of that.

Make her go to the gym. She can walk on the treadmill on her phone but at least it’s something.

Yep. She needs fresh air and exercise.

This is familiar to me, my DD is on the anxious/ASD side (though not actually diagnosed with either). Middle school years were tough, it got better in high school. She is very self-motivated, so we have a couple of things that are absolutely nonnegotiable, but we don't battle anything else, and it's gotten easier.

For her personality, consequences did not work at all, wish I had figured it out earlier, natural consequences are it, and I have learned how to disengage/deescalate. When we stopped fighting over chores, she started doing more of her own stuff (laundry, cooking).

Now, of course, the second child, formerly very chill, is entering the hormonal years and is now the difficult one.

I found the book "Untangled" very helpful back when we were in the thick of it. Highly recommend it, for figuring out what's normal and what's a hill to die on.

This is like my 15 year old son. I have suspected he has ADHD for years but he has not been diagnosed because his issues haven't caused social or academic harm - he has friends and he gets generally decent grades.

But he's very hard to parent.

It sounds within the range of normal but that doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. I have a 13yo DD with ADHD. Calling me an idiot is completely unacceptable. Name calling in our house is unacceptable all around though.
As a member of the family she needs to help out. My DD shoveled the back deck and a path on the grass for our dogs during the storms. Spouse and I did the driveway. It’s teamwork.
You need to have a sit down conversation. If she stays in her room and won’t help when you ask, take the door off.

And yes she has friends but they don't meet that much outside of school - just a few birthday parties and a few sleepovers this year.

OP checking in. Yes my DD has redeeming qualities - when she wants to, she is very organized and can reset her room very quickly.

Quite smart, finishes her homework quick and is often bored in school. Reads a lot. When she wants information she researches it herself - she wanted to learn about skincare for her acne, she researched it, asked me to buy the ingredients and made it herself instead of just relying on other people's words on what worked.

But again, the problem I have is she does things that only benefit her - I think she is selfish. She does not help out and gets angry when we ask her to do her chores. She never does anything even when asked a couple of times.

She bosses my other kid too. Her routine is this: Come back from school, walk up to her room and be on the phone or computer. I have tried taking away both and when I do that, she just reads a book, She does have 2 extracurriculars and 2 after school activities so that is 4 hours a week. Rest of the time she is in her room and refuses to come down until it is dinner time. Even then the phone is with her. I have to tell her to put it away and then she eats very quickly and leaves the table.

She is on Instagram and Tiktok all the time.

And to the PP who asked, no, I'm not a troll.

My niece was like this at that age. She was ultimately diagnosed with a mood disorder and inattentive ADHD. Most teenagers act out but your child's behavior is extreme. My niece is now 18, a first year college student and has shown a lot of growth and maturity in the last year.

Anonymous wrote:Why is your 14 year old having her cholesterol checked? Does she have some other health issues?

DP. It’s part of routine well check now, around age 11-12 or so

Why is your 14 year old having her cholesterol checked? Does she have some other health issues?

I have two 14 year olds and I clicked your subject line thinking “probably!”, but this is extreme. I immediately wondered about mental health or neuro differences. The LDL really concerned me.

Same questions as other posters - does she have friends? Does she want to hang out with them? Does she do her schoolwork and how is she doing?

I’m wondering about social media. What is she doing in her computer all day?

I suggest talking to a school counselor and pediatrician. You need to work toward helping her be a functional adult.

Anonymous wrote:It's not depression or anxiety. It's never parenting and setting boundaries/expectations as the kid was growing up and somehow expecting to her to listen to you now as a 14 yo.

If it’s poor parenting, wouldn’t that affect both children?

SIL has a kid like this. She is very polite though. She has never been into physical activity beyond the playground years.
Her preferred activities are doing nothing but doodle and play video games.
ADHD/ASD runs in the family.