Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP version 1 of story:

"The school counselor must have said something to their teacher and teacher said something to child. The other mom reached out to both the school and me. I declined the meeting and said to the other mom that this is not a big deal and hope girls can work it out themselves."

Op version 2 of story:

"I declined to have a meeting with the school. I had 2 conversations with parents, including one with the father. The father called and went to the school. The teacher called me after the father went to the school as did the school counselor. Even their teacher told me she was surprised the family requested a school meeting. I told the mom that they were making a small event bigger than it needs to be. I did not log a complaint against their kid."

OP this is inconsistent and leads me to believe you are not telling the full story OR that you are a bad communicator generally which has contributed to this issue.

Also now I am wondering what the underlying issue is. I am now thinking of a situation with one of my kids that was originally described as excluding behavior but turned out to be something more complicated. I actually did still land on "let's see if the kids can work this out on their own" and in the end it did work out and was a growth experience for my child for sure and hopefully for the other child as well. But it was very useful as a parent to have gotten the full story from my kid, the other parents, AND the school because everyone had different information and sharing that info helped everyone better understand what was happening and support both kids through the situation.

In attempts to be anonymous, I was trying to be vague but I realized that it sounded like I never even spoke to the parents so I added more detail.

From our side, there is nothing more to the story. Girls were friends. Then the girl stopped talking to my daughter and excluded her so she basically dropped my child as a friend. My daughter was upset over this. School has counseling sessions. It is more like a class during advisory.

When I spoke to both the teacher and counselor, I actually told them they seems to be making the situation worse, not better by involving parents and that is when the teacher said they never contacted the other parents. It was them. I guess the girl had a version she told her parents where she may have gotten in trouble for being mean to my daughter.

You are missing info. The other girl did not wake up one morning and decide to start randomly not talking to your daughter and excluding her. Something prompted this. You might not care what it was, but there was an inciting event. That event might involve your daughter being less than perfect. Or it may be no one's fault but help explain the other girl's behavior.

Once my daughter was accused by another child of "excluding." I was concerned about this so spoke to my kid, the teacher, and the other child's parents. What came out was that the other child was trying to force my kid to play with her by saying "if you don't play with me, no one will" and then she would cry. My daughter felt guilty when this happened so she would play with the girl, but felt resentful especially because this meant she could not play with other kids. Over time that resentment led to her engaging in excluding. So it was complicated. My daughter *was* excluding, and was not acceptable. But the other child was being manipulative and trying to coerce my kid into being friends with her (and only her). It was a dysfunctional situation and both kids needed to learn better ways to deal with conflict.

You assumed your daughter's version of events was complete and correct, and you are assuming that the other girl must have told her parents' a version that wasn't true. In reality, both girls likely told an abbreviated version that omitted details that made them look bad. That's why it's helpful to compare notes and talk it out, which is what the other parents wanted to do. By refusing to do that, you've made them wary of you and made it harder if there are ever future issues between the girls. So they didn't want to bring their daughter to your daughter's birthday because it probably seemed like a can of worms. You think their daughter was 100% at fault for the conflict, their daughter is saying that's not true, it's understandable they wouldn't be eager to bring their daughter to your house.

I suspect no matter what we say, you will dig in and insist you are right and they are wrong. Well, there you go. Your daughter will also learn this way of behaving, and will be unyielding and noncommunicative with friends when they have issues and try to solve them through talking. Expect this scenario to repeat itself in different ways throughout your life and hers.

I mean, they're 8. Do you have any recollection of friend dynamics when you were 8? I got glasses when I was 8 and some rando girl in my class branded me a dork and that was enough for my BF at the time to drop me.

I would have accepted the meeting though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not friends with people who refuse to have an adult conversation with me about something that concerns us both.

I am not friends with the mom. I was not friends with her before and don’t really care about being friends with her now or ever. Even when our kids were super close before, she was not the type I would want to hang out together just the two moms and two daughters. It has always been drop off only.

This girl is one of my child’s closest friends and the girls have made up and once again very good friends. I don’t want the girls’ friendship to suffer because this mom has a grudge against me.

But she wasn't asking to go out for drinks and gab about your sex lives. She requested a meeting with the school to discuss a conflict between your kids that was apparently significant enough to upset both of them at home.

It's fine to not be friends with the parents of your kid's friends. But you can't just not engage. You can't just keep it "drop off only" when the kids are close and dealing with interpersonal conflict.

You need to think of other parents like coworkers. You don't have to be buddies, but you can't just ignore a request from a colleague for a meeting to discuss a project you are both involved in. The girls' relationship is your joint project. You can't just nope out and assume your colleague (the other girl's mom) is going to be cool with it.

Pretend we live in a society.

I learned later the girl had a formal complaint logged against her by a family the prior year.

This is a small school. While I don’t want to make this a big deal, I heard from others how this girl use to bully another girl. That family isn’t so cordial.

Well now I think you're a troll. The story keeps changing. So actually the girl has harmed other girls too? But you are mad the girl didn't come to your child's birthday party because... why?

You are either not real or just allergic to taking responsibility for your own behavior. I'm hoping not real.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not friends with people who refuse to have an adult conversation with me about something that concerns us both.

I am not friends with the mom. I was not friends with her before and don’t really care about being friends with her now or ever. Even when our kids were super close before, she was not the type I would want to hang out together just the two moms and two daughters. It has always been drop off only.

This girl is one of my child’s closest friends and the girls have made up and once again very good friends. I don’t want the girls’ friendship to suffer because this mom has a grudge against me.

You sound very immature. The whole inability to grasp why you made a mistake with the mother and your childish insistence “she’s NOT my friend!!!!” lol. We get it lady. But when people’s children are close (at a young age) and you carpool - you are friendly acquaintances…and you act accordingly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not friends with people who refuse to have an adult conversation with me about something that concerns us both.

I am not friends with the mom. I was not friends with her before and don’t really care about being friends with her now or ever. Even when our kids were super close before, she was not the type I would want to hang out together just the two moms and two daughters. It has always been drop off only.

This girl is one of my child’s closest friends and the girls have made up and once again very good friends. I don’t want the girls’ friendship to suffer because this mom has a grudge against me.

But she wasn't asking to go out for drinks and gab about your sex lives. She requested a meeting with the school to discuss a conflict between your kids that was apparently significant enough to upset both of them at home.

It's fine to not be friends with the parents of your kid's friends. But you can't just not engage. You can't just keep it "drop off only" when the kids are close and dealing with interpersonal conflict.

You need to think of other parents like coworkers. You don't have to be buddies, but you can't just ignore a request from a colleague for a meeting to discuss a project you are both involved in. The girls' relationship is your joint project. You can't just nope out and assume your colleague (the other girl's mom) is going to be cool with it.

Pretend we live in a society.

I learned later the girl had a formal complaint logged against her by a family the prior year.

This is a small school. While I don’t want to make this a big deal, I heard from others how this girl use to bully another girl. That family isn’t so cordial.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not friends with people who refuse to have an adult conversation with me about something that concerns us both.

I am not friends with the mom. I was not friends with her before and don’t really care about being friends with her now or ever. Even when our kids were super close before, she was not the type I would want to hang out together just the two moms and two daughters. It has always been drop off only.

This girl is one of my child’s closest friends and the girls have made up and once again very good friends. I don’t want the girls’ friendship to suffer because this mom has a grudge against me.

But she wasn't asking to go out for drinks and gab about your sex lives. She requested a meeting with the school to discuss a conflict between your kids that was apparently significant enough to upset both of them at home.

It's fine to not be friends with the parents of your kid's friends. But you can't just not engage. You can't just keep it "drop off only" when the kids are close and dealing with interpersonal conflict.

You need to think of other parents like coworkers. You don't have to be buddies, but you can't just ignore a request from a colleague for a meeting to discuss a project you are both involved in. The girls' relationship is your joint project. You can't just nope out and assume your colleague (the other girl's mom) is going to be cool with it.

Pretend we live in a society.

Anonymous wrote:I am not friends with people who refuse to have an adult conversation with me about something that concerns us both.

I am not friends with the mom. I was not friends with her before and don’t really care about being friends with her now or ever. Even when our kids were super close before, she was not the type I would want to hang out together just the two moms and two daughters. It has always been drop off only.

This girl is one of my child’s closest friends and the girls have made up and once again very good friends. I don’t want the girls’ friendship to suffer because this mom has a grudge against me.

Anonymous wrote:DD8 has a good friend and they were not getting along in the beginning of the school year. The other girl stopped talking to my child and started excluding her. The school has counselors to help navigate social situations. The school counselor must have said something to their teacher and teacher said something to child. The other mom reached out to both the school and me. I declined the meeting and said to the other mom that this is not a big deal and hope girls can work it out themselves.

Fast forward a few months and the girls are better friends than ever. We had a recent birthday party and that girl was the only one who didn’t come. The girl told my daughter she really wanted to come but her mom holds grudges. The mom seems to have a grudge against me.

How would you handle? Is it worth even reaching out?

I was never friends with mom. We have carpooled to play dates and parties previously.

You missed your chance to reach out

Anonymous wrote:I am not friends with people who refuse to have an adult conversation with me about something that concerns us both.

All of this

OP sounds like a dismissive monster

Sounds like you were dismissive of the mom’s concerns. Whether that was justified in this situation, no one knows. But if you cared about maintaining good relations, it would have served you better to be more diplomatic.

I’d just ignore the whole thing at this point. Be friendly as far as it concerns you. The mom may or not warm back up to you.

It won’t be the last time you run across this type of situation (interpersonal difficulties between the kids, making things awkward with a fellow parent). So buckle up.

I am not friends with people who refuse to have an adult conversation with me about something that concerns us both.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP version 1 of story:

"The school counselor must have said something to their teacher and teacher said something to child. The other mom reached out to both the school and me. I declined the meeting and said to the other mom that this is not a big deal and hope girls can work it out themselves."

Op version 2 of story:

"I declined to have a meeting with the school. I had 2 conversations with parents, including one with the father. The father called and went to the school. The teacher called me after the father went to the school as did the school counselor. Even their teacher told me she was surprised the family requested a school meeting. I told the mom that they were making a small event bigger than it needs to be. I did not log a complaint against their kid."

OP this is inconsistent and leads me to believe you are not telling the full story OR that you are a bad communicator generally which has contributed to this issue.

Also now I am wondering what the underlying issue is. I am now thinking of a situation with one of my kids that was originally described as excluding behavior but turned out to be something more complicated. I actually did still land on "let's see if the kids can work this out on their own" and in the end it did work out and was a growth experience for my child for sure and hopefully for the other child as well. But it was very useful as a parent to have gotten the full story from my kid, the other parents, AND the school because everyone had different information and sharing that info helped everyone better understand what was happening and support both kids through the situation.

In attempts to be anonymous, I was trying to be vague but I realized that it sounded like I never even spoke to the parents so I added more detail.

From our side, there is nothing more to the story. Girls were friends. Then the girl stopped talking to my daughter and excluded her so she basically dropped my child as a friend. My daughter was upset over this. School has counseling sessions. It is more like a class during advisory.

When I spoke to both the teacher and counselor, I actually told them they seems to be making the situation worse, not better by involving parents and that is when the teacher said they never contacted the other parents. It was them. I guess the girl had a version she told her parents where she may have gotten in trouble for being mean to my daughter.

You are missing info. The other girl did not wake up one morning and decide to start randomly not talking to your daughter and excluding her. Something prompted this. You might not care what it was, but there was an inciting event. That event might involve your daughter being less than perfect. Or it may be no one's fault but help explain the other girl's behavior.

Once my daughter was accused by another child of "excluding." I was concerned about this so spoke to my kid, the teacher, and the other child's parents. What came out was that the other child was trying to force my kid to play with her by saying "if you don't play with me, no one will" and then she would cry. My daughter felt guilty when this happened so she would play with the girl, but felt resentful especially because this meant she could not play with other kids. Over time that resentment led to her engaging in excluding. So it was complicated. My daughter *was* excluding, and was not acceptable. But the other child was being manipulative and trying to coerce my kid into being friends with her (and only her). It was a dysfunctional situation and both kids needed to learn better ways to deal with conflict.

You assumed your daughter's version of events was complete and correct, and you are assuming that the other girl must have told her parents' a version that wasn't true. In reality, both girls likely told an abbreviated version that omitted details that made them look bad. That's why it's helpful to compare notes and talk it out, which is what the other parents wanted to do. By refusing to do that, you've made them wary of you and made it harder if there are ever future issues between the girls. So they didn't want to bring their daughter to your daughter's birthday because it probably seemed like a can of worms. You think their daughter was 100% at fault for the conflict, their daughter is saying that's not true, it's understandable they wouldn't be eager to bring their daughter to your house.

I suspect no matter what we say, you will dig in and insist you are right and they are wrong. Well, there you go. Your daughter will also learn this way of behaving, and will be unyielding and noncommunicative with friends when they have issues and try to solve them through talking. Expect this scenario to repeat itself in different ways throughout your life and hers.

The telling line here is the last one “I was never friends with the mom.” In my book if our kids are friends, then I’m going to be friendly to you. Even if you’re not my style or we have nothing in common. I’m not going to snub some lady if our kids like each other. You should have acted like you cared about this situation even if deep down you knew it was silly. Hear them out, smile and say you hope the girls can work it out. Instead you basically said this family doesn’t matter.

Anonymous wrote:OP version 1 of story:

"The school counselor must have said something to their teacher and teacher said something to child. The other mom reached out to both the school and me. I declined the meeting and said to the other mom that this is not a big deal and hope girls can work it out themselves."

Op version 2 of story:

"I declined to have a meeting with the school. I had 2 conversations with parents, including one with the father. The father called and went to the school. The teacher called me after the father went to the school as did the school counselor. Even their teacher told me she was surprised the family requested a school meeting. I told the mom that they were making a small event bigger than it needs to be. I did not log a complaint against their kid."

OP this is inconsistent and leads me to believe you are not telling the full story OR that you are a bad communicator generally which has contributed to this issue.

Also now I am wondering what the underlying issue is. I am now thinking of a situation with one of my kids that was originally described as excluding behavior but turned out to be something more complicated. I actually did still land on "let's see if the kids can work this out on their own" and in the end it did work out and was a growth experience for my child for sure and hopefully for the other child as well. But it was very useful as a parent to have gotten the full story from my kid, the other parents, AND the school because everyone had different information and sharing that info helped everyone better understand what was happening and support both kids through the situation.

In attempts to be anonymous, I was trying to be vague but I realized that it sounded like I never even spoke to the parents so I added more detail.

From our side, there is nothing more to the story. Girls were friends. Then the girl stopped talking to my daughter and excluded her so she basically dropped my child as a friend. My daughter was upset over this. School has counseling sessions. It is more like a class during advisory.

When I spoke to both the teacher and counselor, I actually told them they seems to be making the situation worse, not better by involving parents and that is when the teacher said they never contacted the other parents. It was them. I guess the girl had a version she told her parents where she may have gotten in trouble for being mean to my daughter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:youre a lazy pig for declining the discussion. FULL STOP

I had two phone conversations with the parents, two conversations with their teacher and one with their school counselor. I declined an in person meeting because I didn’t think it was necessary.

But it sounds like the other parents did feel it was necessary. Do you think it's possible that something more was going on and that having a mediated conversation with the school counselor might have helped you all get on the same page? What I'm hearing is that they were trying to communicate and you shut it down.

Also you are describing this as a "grudge" which doesn't sound accurate to me. It doesn't sound like the other parents are holding a grudge, but more making a choice regarding their child based on the info they have. There was some kind of conflict, they attempted to solve it with you and you shut down further discussion, and now they've chosen to distance. It sounds like your families have different approaches to things with your kids and that this is a perfectly reasonable choice to make. These kids are still pretty young -- 8 is an age where it's hard for kids to have friendships without at least some parental involvement/collaboration.