Anonymous wrote:FIL died this morning after spending 7 days in hospice. The antibiotics he received likely prolonged his suffering by "curing" the pneumonia but his organs were already failing. Poor man. He spent 7 days dying a very slow death. He looked like a skeleton in the end. It was brutal to watch. But he's at peace now and DH is sad, but also relieved. Thanks to everyone for the support.

Good thing it was only 7 days. It’s over now, accept the condolences and move on if possible. Hopefully it’s a relief for you.

Anonymous wrote:

FIL died this morning after spending 7 days in hospice. The antibiotics he received likely prolonged his suffering by "curing" the pneumonia but his organs were already failing. Poor man. He spent 7 days dying a very slow death. He looked like a skeleton in the end. It was brutal to watch. But he's at peace now and DH is sad, but also relieved. Thanks to everyone for the support.

I’m very sorry. Hopefully he had enough morphine and other drugs to reduce suffering. I had to make a lot of decisions for my mom, who had been stage 6 Alzheimer’s and fell and. Rome her pelvis. Based on her directives she went in hospice and I d not push food or fluids and focused on comfort care but others in the memory care were tryingtjbge her up and moving and eating as if there was a real chance of recovery and I def second guessed myself at times. My mom does a couple months ago and I still wonder if I somehow rushed things, or didn’t do enough, was she thirsty etc. but everyone dies and I tried to give her a calm and as dignifies as possible death.

Don’t beat yourself up too much, usually the sooner the better

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what happens when men remarry. He married and didn’t give your husband POA. Ultimately, this is what he gets due to that decision. I will be in the exact same situation. It sucks, but at the end of the day, my dad had choices and he choose not to give me medical POA.

This. But it also goes the opposite way. My dad’s wife told the doctor he didn’t want any lifesaving measures (a lie) and to pull the plug before we could get there in 12 hours to say goodbye. I told the doctor I had a signed, notarized POLST contradicting her and would sue the hospital if they listened to her.

So what happened at the end?
Honestly it’s often selfish to keep a person alive and suffering so that someone who moved away anyway can come say goodbye and feel better.
I am not saying this is your situation but the drs don’t pull the plug easily so… maybe it was a good idea

I was in this situation with my dad and my own mom (not step mom). All you can do is make sure the social worker, etc know the wishes and have a copy of the documents.

My mother was delusional. Dad was clearly at the end and ready to go and she insisted on keeping him alive suffering even though she resented him every second even with 24-7 care. She didn't seem to like him much before his decline, but that's another story. It wasn't even like she insisted on being by his side. She refused recommendations, kept him alive suffering and we were the ones visiting. She would show up once a day for 20 minutes if that. She just could not face reality, and they kept sending in different people to explain to from social worker to physician to explain to her and each time they would look at me and ask, "where is your mother?"

Anonymous wrote:DH has been trying to get his father into a care facility for two years. Unfortunately, while his wife complains almost daily about how she cannot care for him any longer, she refuses to place him there. DH has visited 4 facilities and repeated visits to total 8-10 at this point. Without medical POA, DH can't make any decisions. Wife will not place FIL in hospice. She does not appear to understand what hospice even is. It's all so exhausting for my husband who feels helpless.

This morning I told DH to tell the wife to contact me for a few days and block her, but he won't do that. My DH is angry and miserable but does not want to create waves at this difficult time. This has been going on for years now as his father gets progressively worse. I wonder why the doctor allowed FIL's wishes to be disregarded. Can a Medical POA just override a documented MOLST without consequence?

In my parent’s state, there is a check box as to whether the POA can override.

My parent has chosen no, even though she 100% trusts me to follow her wishes.

DH should have an original copy of the MOLST and be POA if FIL was serious, but he’s not.

He didn’t button up his affairs, so these are the consequences for FIL and your DH. This is the choice FIL made when he remarried and button up his affairs.

FIL died this morning after spending 7 days in hospice. The antibiotics he received likely prolonged his suffering by "curing" the pneumonia but his organs were already failing. Poor man. He spent 7 days dying a very slow death. He looked like a skeleton in the end. It was brutal to watch. But he's at peace now and DH is sad, but also relieved. Thanks to everyone for the support.

I’m very sorry. Hopefully he had enough morphine and other drugs to reduce suffering. I had to make a lot of decisions for my mom, who had been stage 6 Alzheimer’s and fell and. Rome her pelvis. Based on her directives she went in hospice and I d not push food or fluids and focused on comfort care but others in the memory care were tryingtjbge her up and moving and eating as if there was a real chance of recovery and I def second guessed myself at times. My mom does a couple months ago and I still wonder if I somehow rushed things, or didn’t do enough, was she thirsty etc. but everyone dies and I tried to give her a calm and as dignifies as possible death.

Sorry for your loss.

The wife doesn't want to sent him to hospice because she doesn't want to spend the money. She is just waiting for him to die while trying to reserve as much as she can. Gold digger

FIL died this morning after spending 7 days in hospice. The antibiotics he received likely prolonged his suffering by "curing" the pneumonia but his organs were already failing. Poor man. He spent 7 days dying a very slow death. He looked like a skeleton in the end. It was brutal to watch. But he's at peace now and DH is sad, but also relieved. Thanks to everyone for the support.

Anonymous wrote:He will die soon enough. And if he's in a demented state, he does not know his wishes are not being carried out. Dial-down the hysterics. For your own and DH's mental health.

Yes what's she's doing is wrong or not ideal.

Why don’t you dial it down? People with dementia aren’t immune from suffering and pain. It’s a betrayal not to honor advanced directives that people created to protect themselves at their most vulnerable.

I've seen this with first wives as well. They are frustrated and it is all too much, but they also don't know how to wrap their heads around losing their spouse. They also see the spouse 24/7 in a way that kids don't. They see those moments where the spouse seems almost normal, or has a good day, and it makes it seem less real that it is the end. Also, people frequently stair step down into death, which causes the brain to accept the new status quo with each step down as not that bad it compares to where they started. They adjust to the new normal each time.

The kids don't lose their day-to-day partner. They lose a parent who they generally don't live with, and have a whole other life.

All I'm saying is that the end is hard on everyone, but in different ways. And I'm saying this from the kids side, post it finally being over. There is just so much frustration, and sadness, and fear.

In this case, it feels as if OP's DH wants it to end (for all the right reasons) and the wife doesn't want it to be over. And she is complaining because she wants it to be different, and can't or won't wrap her head around the fact that the options at hand all have drawbacks. So she chooses the one she thinks she can live with the best.

I'm sorry your DH is going through this. There is nothing easy about this stage of life.

He will die soon enough. And if he's in a demented state, he does not know his wishes are not being carried out. Dial-down the hysterics. For your own and DH's mental health.

Yes what's she's doing is wrong or not ideal.

Anonymous wrote:This is what happens when men remarry. He married and didn’t give your husband POA. Ultimately, this is what he gets due to that decision. I will be in the exact same situation. It sucks, but at the end of the day, my dad had choices and he choose not to give me medical POA.

This. But it also goes the opposite way. My dad’s wife told the doctor he didn’t want any lifesaving measures (a lie) and to pull the plug before we could get there in 12 hours to say goodbye. I told the doctor I had a signed, notarized POLST contradicting her and would sue the hospital if they listened to her.