Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this belongs in jobs or money. Current HHI is around $725,000 with no bonus. Last year HHI with bonus was $875,000. But there is a huge discrepancy in salaries. DH makes $575,000 (plus bonus) and DW makes $150,000. Have 3 kids. DW has a very stable, not overly demanding WFH job and manages everything for the kids, house, pets, etc. DH has a very demanding, exhausting, time consuming job that requires travel and being ON all the time.


Would you rather have the scenario above OR a scenario with DH takes a pay cut and has a less demanding job and DW finds a higher paying more demanding job? So scenario A you have one super stressed out parent and one parent who can take on the lion share of responsibilities for the kids and still provide some of the household income. OR scenario B where you have two parents who both work somewhat stressful higher paying jobs but DH would hopefully be a little less stressed and working more BUT DW would be working more and more stressed than current job.

Which would you chose?

I would downsize and prefer to have a spouse that is around with the kids and me more.

Anonymous wrote:Scenario A, I doubt he'll step up at home and then mom is stuck with a hard job and still doing everything at home.

I'd never give up a 150k wfh job. If DH is under stress, let him switch to a lower pressure job and make do with the income cut. No one needs to make three quarters of a million to survive. You can do fine on 300 or 400k HHI which is still an obscene amount.

Yep, most men would not step up and then you’ll be stuck doing everything. Ask me how I know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Option C- DW quits her job and becomes a SAHM, managing everything.

We chose two "less stressful" jobs that paid $160-200k and it's awful. We're both stressed out and can't make it to kid events. Per the new administration, neither of us has any telework whatsoever, so every kid sick day, snow day and doctor's appts is a massive struggle. Previously I would just take the kid to an appt and then work later and now I'm unable to do that, basically I have to take the whole day off now. I think to have a less stressful job you have to go down to 100k or less, but that wouldn't pay the bills.

The two less stressful jobs can work well though - it’s just that right now sucks if both those are Fed jobs. My DH and I raised our kids this way and it was stressful sometimes, yes, but u do think the benefit is that there is no default parent in our house. We each have household chores we split into each of our domains but the parenting was really a team effort and we had a lot of family time - dinner every night, never missed kid events, and so forth.

We are dual feds and it's just not working. Both of us actually downshifted into fed world, so we're at a loss for what we can do to get more quality of life. Work is incredibly stressful, zero flexibility around hours (can't take a kid to a Dr. and then come in an hour late, stay an hour later), zero telework. Honestly we can barely make a parent teacher conference anymore. Kids basically just exist at school or aftercare. Snow days mean that we take leave for the entire day and work just PILES up at work, meaning even more stress when we return from our annual leave.

We used to love both being present for the kids and there not being a default parents, but now that is effectively no parent at all. We miss every kid event unless they're at 6pm+. We pulled our kids from sports.

So my vote would be for a SAH parent and a parent who makes $$$. Like I said, DH and I both downshifted. One of us should have stayed working and the other just quit. It didn't seem equal to me though, but I see now that it would have been a better quality of life.

If DH is burnt out you should cut your budget and live within a lower HHI.

The job market is tough so finding any kind of job is going to be more difficult. If DW becomes bigger earner or even makes more are you sure the kid duties will be more 50/50? Maybe now you should save and invest more in case you need $ to outsource things until you get into a rhythm.

If DH wants to leave I would say ask him to stay for a couple months in order to budget and save on a lower HHI. Cut all the crazy spending and live now like you make a lot less $.

I know people who tried to cut salary and hours and most worked the same crazy hours but made less $, so take that into consideration.

Anonymous wrote:We did have some telework that increased over time and after Covid. . Yes, it’s key which is why the dual fed thing sucks right now. We each had been going in 3-4 days since kids were in early elementary so we alternated and were both only gone one to two days for longer days. I went in. We did have SACC but kids didn’t go for too long on a given day. I would go in early and be home by 5, DH got home around 6:15. We were lucky to have an elementary school with an earlier start.

Oh yeah an 8am start would be a game changer. Morning SACC makes for a very long day, they just sit in cafeteria, no playground or gym or anything.

We did have some telework that increased over time and after Covid. . Yes, it’s key which is why the dual fed thing sucks right now. We each had been going in 3-4 days since kids were in early elementary so we alternated and were both only gone one to two days for longer days. I went in. We did have SACC but kids didn’t go for too long on a given day. I would go in early and be home by 5, DH got home around 6:15. We were lucky to have an elementary school with an earlier start.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Option C- DW quits her job and becomes a SAHM, managing everything.

We chose two "less stressful" jobs that paid $160-200k and it's awful. We're both stressed out and can't make it to kid events. Per the new administration, neither of us has any telework whatsoever, so every kid sick day, snow day and doctor's appts is a massive struggle. Previously I would just take the kid to an appt and then work later and now I'm unable to do that, basically I have to take the whole day off now. I think to have a less stressful job you have to go down to 100k or less, but that wouldn't pay the bills.

The two less stressful jobs can work well though - it’s just that right now sucks if both those are Fed jobs. My DH and I raised our kids this way and it was stressful sometimes, yes, but u do think the benefit is that there is no default parent in our house. We each have household chores we split into each of our domains but the parenting was really a team effort and we had a lot of family time - dinner every night, never missed kid events, and so forth.

I’n curious were one if you teleworking? Because if both work 8-9 hours days with commute, its 10 hours away from home. So one can go in early and pickup at 4 or so and do dinner and activities, but the spouse doing drop off wont be home tull 6 or 7 (our elementary starts at 9am for instance).

Did you have your kids in SACC for long periods (before and after school?) . Nanny? Grandparents?

The breadwinner-sahm model is best, but you have to pick a DH with that career trajectory which can not work out. I thought my DH would be a tech money maker, but he ended up more like a character on the big bang.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Option C- DW quits her job and becomes a SAHM, managing everything.

We chose two "less stressful" jobs that paid $160-200k and it's awful. We're both stressed out and can't make it to kid events. Per the new administration, neither of us has any telework whatsoever, so every kid sick day, snow day and doctor's appts is a massive struggle. Previously I would just take the kid to an appt and then work later and now I'm unable to do that, basically I have to take the whole day off now. I think to have a less stressful job you have to go down to 100k or less, but that wouldn't pay the bills.

The two less stressful jobs can work well though - it’s just that right now sucks if both those are Fed jobs. My DH and I raised our kids this way and it was stressful sometimes, yes, but u do think the benefit is that there is no default parent in our house. We each have household chores we split into each of our domains but the parenting was really a team effort and we had a lot of family time - dinner every night, never missed kid events, and so forth.

I am happy to hear this from someone who has been through it. That is what DH and I are doing and I often feel like I am doing everything badly. But we do get to split chores, I make dinner every night, we make most kid events. Maybe I am doing better than I think!

Anonymous wrote:Option C- DW quits her job and becomes a SAHM, managing everything.

We chose two "less stressful" jobs that paid $160-200k and it's awful. We're both stressed out and can't make it to kid events. Per the new administration, neither of us has any telework whatsoever, so every kid sick day, snow day and doctor's appts is a massive struggle. Previously I would just take the kid to an appt and then work later and now I'm unable to do that, basically I have to take the whole day off now. I think to have a less stressful job you have to go down to 100k or less, but that wouldn't pay the bills.

The two less stressful jobs can work well though - it’s just that right now sucks if both those are Fed jobs. My DH and I raised our kids this way and it was stressful sometimes, yes, but u do think the benefit is that there is no default parent in our house. We each have household chores we split into each of our domains but the parenting was really a team effort and we had a lot of family time - dinner every night, never missed kid events, and so forth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This question reads to me like the DH is asking and is burnt out. If that's the case, you need to find a lower stress job. You'll be fine with less money, really.

DW's job seems fine. And, as someone whose kids are now in college, I'm really glad I did the lower stress flexible job through their kid years so I have a job I enjoy now vs. having a huge resume gap and trying to figure out what to do with myself.

But is her job really fine? Most jobs in that range might be lower stress, but still can't deal with the stresses of having kids and an unavailable husband. This whole household would benefit from having a sahm.

DP, it seems to me OP is fine with the current job situation since she's even considering leveling up. The husband won't be any more available if he downgrades. His time will go to rest and hobbies or he'll be a workaholic at the new job.

If OP is stressed her best options are stick with this job and hire help, or become a SAHM.

I'd like my DH to have a $150K wfh job. With my WOH $200k job we would be just fine. If DH in the scenario is not a total workaholic, he needs to get a less stressful job and spend more quality time with family.

Anonymous wrote:This question reads to me like the DH is asking and is burnt out. If that's the case, you need to find a lower stress job. You'll be fine with less money, really.

DW's job seems fine. And, as someone whose kids are now in college, I'm really glad I did the lower stress flexible job through their kid years so I have a job I enjoy now vs. having a huge resume gap and trying to figure out what to do with myself.

But is her job really fine? Most jobs in that range might be lower stress, but still can't deal with the stresses of having kids and an unavailable husband. This whole household would benefit from having a sahm.

This question reads to me like the DH is asking and is burnt out. If that's the case, you need to find a lower stress job. You'll be fine with less money, really.

DW's job seems fine. And, as someone whose kids are now in college, I'm really glad I did the lower stress flexible job through their kid years so I have a job I enjoy now vs. having a huge resume gap and trying to figure out what to do with myself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scenario A, I doubt he'll step up at home and then mom is stuck with a hard job and still doing everything at home.

I'd never give up a 150k wfh job. If DH is under stress, let him switch to a lower pressure job and make do with the income cut. No one needs to make three quarters of a million to survive. You can do fine on 300 or 400k HHI which is still an obscene amount.

Totally agree with this.

OP needs to clarify what question is being asked. Is it, "We are in scenario A and I am wondering if B (or something else) would improve things" or is it "which is a more desirable set up for family life?" I am convinced that any man who has lived Scenario A with DW doing everything is not going to magically step it up with a less stressful job. I also firmly believe that generally, the type who has that kind of job (high level consultant or PR agency, big firm partner) has a workaholic personality and will not magically chill out in a "less stressful" job.

+1 my former boss took a "lower stress" job because she wanted to have more family time. Within six months she turned her low-stress job into a high-stress one by introducing and running a couple new initiatives. Left that job for another lower-stress one and did the same thing. She just doesn't do "low stress job." Fortunately, her husband does and she finally accepted that balance.

Anonymous wrote:I prefer A being the wife - heck you should just quit and be a SAHM - but if I were the husband I might want something different. Do you HAVE to make so much money? Ideally DH steps back and you keep your job the way it is, and you only make....still more than 95% of people.

This.