Anonymous wrote:I say no even to family aside from my parents who come and stay with us three or so weeks each year.

I used to feel obligated and host all sorts of people for a short time (like 4 days tops) and hate it. My side is very extroverted and "welcoming" in the sense they always love having guests, so it's extremely rude to them for me to not like having guests. They also do not understand the idea of remote work being real work, not being able to take endless days off to host, and hosting is always a lot of work even when they say they'll be easy, don't worry about it...

A couple years ago cousin took it for granted I'd host her son for a month over the summer. It was the last straw for me. I felt horrible for saying no, but also mad to be asked as an afterthought after she already told everyone in the family and all her friends that her son would be staying with me. It's created some distance in terms of relationships and also in my head with my family because I just do not relate culturally. I myself will always pick a hotel over staying with someone aside from with my parents.

Anonymous wrote:I say no even to family aside from my parents who come and stay with us three or so weeks each year.

I used to feel obligated and host all sorts of people for a short time (like 4 days tops) and hate it. My side is very extroverted and "welcoming" in the sense they always love having guests, so it's extremely rude to them for me to not like having guests. They also do not understand the idea of remote work being real work, not being able to take endless days off to host, and hosting is always a lot of work even when they say they'll be easy, don't worry about it...

A couple years ago cousin took it for granted I'd host her son for a month over the summer. It was the last straw for me. I felt horrible for saying no, but also mad to be asked as an afterthought after she already told everyone in the family and all her friends that her son would be staying with me. It's created some distance in terms of relationships and also in my head with my family because I just do not relate culturally. I myself will always pick a hotel over staying with someone aside from with my parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:friends of family members?

I do and it puts me in a very awkward position, especially because hosting for them is often much easier.

But my space is small, I work a lot and it is a big imposition. I don’t have a rehabbed basement I can send people to.

How do you handle? Obviously I know many snarky people will respond ‘just say no’ but I like to keep family dynamics as positive as possible. So a little nuance would help.

It’s not snarky, you really just say no.

“Hi Aunt Jane. I’m sorry I am not able host your friends.”

I did this once and years later I heard “you didn’t host my best friend Larla”. I was shocked that I was ‘reminded’ of this situation, because it was objectively a very inopportune moment: life wise and logistic wise.

I still have no regret for saying ’no’, because it was the right decision for me, and I’d have made the same decision over and over, but you need to plan for some resentment from your family member.

I have asked an acquaintance to host me, and they did, but I regretted asking (not because of how they hosted me - I just realized how full their schedules were and that I inconvenienced them). I have always gotten a hotel since then, no matter how close I am to the person in the other town.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Oh, that won’t work for me.”

“Unfortunately I can’t host these days. But I’d love to get together when you’re in town!”

That’s as gracious as you can get. Your family obviously does not care about your relationship if they are asking you to host people who are strangers to you. They are going to be put off regardless because rude, entitled people often are when they are told no.

Best you can do is be nice when you’re shutting it down and leave zero room for argument. If you say your space is too small, they’ll promise not to spread out (they will). If you say you’re too busy, they’ll promise to stay out of your way (they won’t). If you say you’re broke, they’ll offer to pay for a meal (they won’t and they’ll be secretly insulted at your lack of hospitality).

Just.Say.No.

They’re actually not rude entitled people. They just have very different ideas about staying with others. They host a lot themselves, including me and my family.

NP. I have a friend who thinks nothing of hosting family from out of town and they all sleep on the living room floor together. Like, a one bed apartment crammed with 11 people is nothing to her and her husband. I would never. I don't even want to sleep on someone's couch. It's okay to say no. It's even okay to tell a white lie and say your landlord has gotten strict about overnight guests or you're using the spare bedroom as an office now and got rid of the bed, whatever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:friends of family members?

I do and it puts me in a very awkward position, especially because hosting for them is often much easier.

But my space is small, I work a lot and it is a big imposition. I don’t have a rehabbed basement I can send people to.

How do you handle? Obviously I know many snarky people will respond ‘just say no’ but I like to keep family dynamics as positive as possible. So a little nuance would help.

It’s not snarky, you really just say no.

“Hi Aunt Jane. I’m sorry I am not able host your friends.”

Anonymous wrote:friends of family members?

I do and it puts me in a very awkward position, especially because hosting for them is often much easier.

But my space is small, I work a lot and it is a big imposition. I don’t have a rehabbed basement I can send people to.

How do you handle? Obviously I know many snarky people will respond ‘just say no’ but I like to keep family dynamics as positive as possible. So a little nuance would help.